“Do you regret it,though?”
“Not as much as maybe I should. And standing here before you, with what I know now, I’m sure that’s what drove us in the beginning: this awareness of things we didn’t have words for back then…things we knewsubconsciously.”
“I’ve always felt that way about you too,” Eric says. “As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I hated myself for not struggling more, you were this fucking drug, and I couldn’t keep away. Nothing else in this world has ever felt as real as what I feel for you, especially back then when I was clinging to so many things that made parts of me feel like I’ve been living my life half-asleep. You woke me up. I wasn’t willing to let anyone in, and by wanting to let you in so much, so desperately, I was aware of what I had to do to be a complete person. To bewhole.”
I grip hishand.
“Doesn’t even make sense, does it?” heasks.
“More than yourealize.”
Being back in this space, sharing these memories, seeing all that we’ve become after the time we’ve shared, culminates into this beautiful appreciation of the totality of my adoration of him. I’m not sure if it’s the nostalgia or fucking impulsiveness…like that day that seized control over both of us. Something about this space inspires a similar sort of recklessness, of following this passion within me. This desire that for some reason I can’t bring myself to resist orquestion.
I want him to know how much I love him, and I don’t care if I look like a totalfool.
I drop to oneknee.
Eric freezes, his face stoic, though his mouth drops open. He looksflabbergasted.
“It’s crazy,” I admit. “This has to be against some rule book about how relationships are supposed to work, but when have we ever followed rules? When have we ever been cautious when it comes to us? It’s only been a year, but I’m crazy in love with you, Eric, and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Every moment, even the hard ones, even the annoying ones when you’re too stubborn, when you think you’re right but you’re wrong, when you fuss at me and let me fuss at you. The one thing we always have is that we both keep trying, and we keep pushing, and we fight for each other. And I’ll always fight foryou.”
As a tear slides down his face, I’m certain I must be right, that as crazy as it all is, as short as it’s all been, I’m not making this up in my own damnedmind.
“You said you’d do whatever I wish, and I’ve just figured out what I want. Marry me,Eric.”
“Just like that day when you told me to be your boyfriend,” he says with a snicker. “You hardly made it a question as much as ademand.”
“That’s what I was goingfor.”
“Oh, Jesse, always full of surprises.” His chin quivers. It’s always strange to see him so vulnerable because to the rest of the world he just shows brute strength. He doesn’t let them see weaknesses the way he lets me see them. But his silence is concerning. I’m forced to realize that maybe it was toosoon.
“Eric, you don’t have to say anything right now. Maybe this was a little ridiculous of me. I do love you, though,and—”
“No, it’s not that,” he interrupts, crouching down and taking a knee himself. “It’s just crazy how this workedout.”
“Itiscrazy how it workedout.”
I’ve been so absorbed in my own declaration, I hadn’t even noticed he was fishing in his pocket until he retrieves a black velvet jewelrybox.
“No, Imean…”
It’s a bolt of lightning straight into myheart.
“…here you are proposing, but I have thering.”
He opens thebox.
The ring is solid black, the side reflecting the sun, our only witness to this magical moment…one I want imprinted on my brain the way our first encounter on this beachwas.
We laughtogether.
I can’t tell which is stronger—my amusement at how our own paths led us both to this moment, or the relief of knowing I’m right for loving him as much as I do. Whatever the reason, I disregard logic, as I did that day a year ago. I move quickly, steal anotherkiss.
He reciprocates, a frenzied passion between us, for the same reason as when we kissed here the first time—because of the relief in knowing we both shared the same feelings—but now we know the depth of where that has ledus.
I feel warmth against my cheek and realize it’s a tear. I can’t even tell whose it is. All I know is that I’ve never been more in love with him, and if this is where we’re at after a year, God, I can’t imagine what it will be like in twentymore.
“Yes, Eric. Yes, yes, yes,” I whisper against his lips. “EveryyesI’ve uttered has been to practice for thismoment.”
