“No printout, even? Jesus, Troy, my insurance pays you all this money for me to have to write up something on myown?”
“Add this sense of humor to the list for me, allright?”
“I’ll do justthat.”
“I’m being totally sincere, Eric. You have a lot to appreciate right now, with JesseandTy. Things aren’t perfect, but you get that they don’t need to be perfect. When you first came into this office, you had a hard time with that. You were much harder on yourself, but you’ve eased up a lot. You know, it can be easy to come in here and argue to maintain patterns of thinking, fighting to keep things comfortable, but not you. You walked in ready to do the work, and you’ve proven that on plenty of occasions, so we’ll just keep thatup.”
His words resonate with my sense of where I’m at. Troy’s perception of me hasn’t always gelled with my own, but it’s helped me with making progress and really confronting those aspects of my life I haven’t been ready to dealwith.
I leave our session feeling energized, and my week continues on the same note. Almost seems too easy, and there isn’t as much tension leading up to the following Tuesday night, which Jesse and I have set aside for one of Carolyn’sexercises.
“How does that feel?” Jesse asks as I lie across the bed on my back, Jesse stretched out alongside me. Nude with me, he’s keeping a little more than an inch of space between us, but I know he’d give me more than that if I asked. It’s closer than I’ve let him be when we first started these assignments…or as Carolyn has encouraged us to call them, “games.”
“Deep breaths and relaxation techniques, and I should be all good, right?” As I snicker, I become viscerally aware of the tension lingering in mymuscles.
“Do you mind if I take your hand?” Jesseasks.
“Please do, yes.” His warm touch as he grips my hand offers me palpable relief, and I take what feels like my first decent breath in some time. “I know what you’redoing.”
“What?”
“Trying to set me at ease, and I appreciateit.”
“Of course I’m trying to set you at ease. That’s myjob.”
“No, but I just—thankyou.”
He tightens his hold and offers that familiar smirk. I doubt he can ever fully understand what his being here for me, through all this, means tome.
I look to my left hand, where I’m holding a small beginner buttplug.
Carolyn recommended we begin with something small and not too intimidating, which made for an interesting visit to the nearby sex shop. I expected options. I’ve been to plenty of sex shops in my life, but I seriously underestimated the number of items created specifically to go inside an ass—something that made for plenty of jokes as Jesse and I perused theselection.
We’ve played with the plug a few times already, so I don’t feel as nervous as I did that first time, as each time we play, I’ve felt more and more relaxed about the process. Troy’s and Carolyn’s continual guidance about how we should approach these nights has beeninstrumental.
“Do you mind if I put my hand on your chest?” Jesseasks.
“Yes, that’sfine.”
I trust Jesse…more than I imagine it’s possible for me to trust another human being, but as Troy has pointed out before, it’s not about trusting him: it’s about these automatic responses I’ve developed over time that have nothing to do with him. It’s just so strange to have this one thing that gives me fits when we have plenty of other times where we’re just clawing at one another’sbodies.
Resting his hand on my chest, Jesse shifts his thumb back and forth, his soft touch like a voice talking me down, offering me as much soothing as one of the affirmations I’ve worked on with Troy for thismoment.
“Remember: you don’t have to go any further tonight if you’reuncomfortable.”
“I’ll stop if it gets to be too much, but I’m tired of the avoidance. If something comes up, I can work through these processes. And a panic attack won’t kill me, even if it feels like itmight.”
“Said like Troyhimself.”
“Thank you for beinghere.”
“Of course I’m going to be here. You’re not on yourown.”
It’s an awareness I’ve really settled into. I spent my life keeping this to myself, carrying it around, my inner struggle, my battle that I convinced myself I never needed to face. I was sure I was handling it perfectly fine by attempting to push it back into the furthest corners of mymind.
I stare at the piece of rubber that in this moment feels like my greatest enemy. I set it on the mattress and grab the bottle of lube from beside me, lubricating it and then myhole.
“Are you still okay with me having my hand on you?” Jesseasks.
