I’m not with Jesse anymore. It’s dark all around me, and I’m paralyzed, my wrists pinned down as I feel that pain, that intense, unbearable pain, and I’m screaming before I feel the hand around my face clasping over mymouth.
It feels soreal.
I scream, thrashing about, and suddenly I snap out of it. And there’s Jesse at the foot of the air mattress, moving back quickly offit.
He looks totally thrown, freaked outeven.
I need to comfort him and assure him that everything’s all right, but all I can do is shake andtremble.
I’m paralyzed from myanxiety.
I need a Xanax. I need him to get it out of my bag, but I can’t even do as much as ask himthat.
I feel so vulnerable, exposed, and humiliated all at once, but I can hardly focus on the moment while my thoughts keep pulling me back to the experience I relived in such a horrifyingly vividway.
Another sensation sweeps over me, and I think I’m about to pull out of it, but instead, I lean forward and vomit onto the mattress before me, still trembling,feverish.
I hear Jesse saying something as he moves toward me, but it all seems like a blur as he wraps his arm aroundme.
I’ve ruinedeverything.
It’s all gone toshit.
God, I hate myself so fuckingmuch.
41
Jesse
What the fuck just happened?
We were having such a good time. Eric seemed relaxed and eager. I knew there was something, some hang-up that was the reason why he snapped that first time I tried to go further, and while I was expecting that maybe there might be some tension or uneasiness or that he would bail altogether, I couldn’t have expected thatreaction.
I thought he was having a seizure, the way he freaked out and started shouting and clawing around him like he was fighting someone off. Even when he calmed down, I could tell he was still so fuckinguneasy.
When he finally managed to formulate words, he just said, “My bag…Xanax.”
I fished through and found the prescription bottle and a bottle of water. Through some talking and walking him through it, he managed to get onedown.
I lie beside him on the air mattress, on the part I cleaned up after the incident. He’s calmed down and is breathing shallowly, staring up at the top of the tent. He’s been like this for hours. I don’t want to bother him, but I don’t want to leave him either. I asked him if we needed to leave, and he said very quickly, “No. It’llpass.”
This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed. Was it because he knew I was interested in topping that he forced himself to do something that made himuncomfortable?
My guilt aside, there’s the issue of what the fuck happened to Eric. Who did this to him? It doesn’t take a fucking therapist to figure out that that’s clearly connected with something horrible that happened to him at the hands of some motherfucker I want to find and beat the shit outof.
Before, I thought it might have been the case or that it could have been some strange personal quirk, but now I’m confident in myconclusion.
I want answers, but at the same time, there’s this awareness within me that this isn’t something Eric wanted me to know. Surely, he thinks I don’t have a right to pry about this. It’s Eric’s choice to decide whether or not he even wants to talk about that with me. Even though we just today acknowledged we’re in a relationship, I know that’s a hell of a thing to try and discuss withsomeone.
I hear him gulp. I’m on my side, rolled away from him on the mattress. I turn to him. It’s the most noise I’ve heard come from him in the past hour, maybe even more noise than I’ve heard since I checked my phone for thetime.
I’ve kept Eric’s lantern on beside us. I haven’t seen a reason to turn it off since I doubt either of us is getting sleep anytime soon. Not until I know for sure that he’s okay. Not until he’s able to assure me with more than the repeated mantra about it needing to justpass.
“How are you feeling?” I ask. As the words move past my lips, they feel like the stupidest thing I could say, because I’ve asked that so many times since hisbreakdown.
This time is different,though.
He turns toward me but doesn’t make eye contact. “I’m feeling better now,” hesays.
