“How do you know? Obviously if we’re not boyfriends yet, there’s apossibility.”
“Shutup.”
He smirks a knowing smirk, like he understands this power he has over me. “Just admit it—you want me to be the one to askyou.”
“I’ll fucking ask youif—”
He interrupts with, “Be myboyfriend.”
“What?”
“I’m not asking you,” Jesse says, that smirk transforming into a whimsical smile. “Be myboyfriend.”
Damned if that isn’t the most adorable way he could have done it. He leans toward me and cups the back of my head in hishand.
“I take it that’s what you want, then?” he asks. “Us to be exclusive, to see each other, go to the clinic and get tested together, do all those things people do before they enter into a serious relationship? Because that’s what I want with you,Eric.”
“I feel like I’m the one who’s supposed to be saying this,” I tell him. “The older man asking his young, inexperienced guy, who’s too fresh to have the confidence to push about something likethis.”
“You can still say it, but I think it’d be a little redundant at this point, don’t you?” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond. He takes my lips, kissing me, and I relax into it before hooking an arm aroundhim.
There’s a closeness and intimacy in this moment that feels so special, so sacred. In a way, his words tore through yet another barrier I’ve thrown up. He’s so good at that. He’s so good at a lot of fucking things, including taking my breath away, which he manages to do in an instant. He pulls away, his gaze drifting down to my mouth as though he’s noticed. I avoid hisgaze.
“I like this side of you,Eric.”
“What side isthat?”
“Sheepish.”
“I’m not fucking sheepish,” I insist, yet in a way, he does evoke that in me. Like this desire I have to bottom for him. He stirs something very different within me. I want to submit to him, and I can’t wait anylonger.
“I think I’m going to head up to the showers and get ready for you,” I tell him, and his smile—God, that smile—is enough to make me want to give this to him evenfaster.
“I’ll clean up this mess we’ve made, and be ready when you getback.”
I grab my backpack and head to the bathrooms at the top of a hill a few yards from our campsite. I hop into the shower, getting prepared, dreaming, fantasizing about what it will be like, him holding me in his arms, easing me into it. In a lot of ways, there’s pressure on him to help me take back something I feel was stripped from me long ago, but I have confidence in Jesse…and in us—in what we share. There’s this nervousness building within me as I inch closer to the moment I’ve been excited and terrified of since I first suggested the idea, but like with so many other things in my life, I know I have to push through the fear, face it head on. I’m ready to do that withhim.
I head down the hill, back to our campsite. He’s cleaned up the beer bottles and plastic plates and cups and extinguished the campfire. I open the tent and see him lying stretched out, naked, over the sheets. He smiles the moment I bend over and step inside the tent, squatting as I zip it closed behindme.
I’m shaking a little bit, actually fucking shaking, like some sort of adolescent virgin. I remove my clothes and join him on the air mattress, lying beside him. A silence stretches between us, not uncomfortable or awkward—a special silence, that seems to stress the importance of this poignantmoment.
“Did you miss your boyfriend?” Jesse asksme.
“Yeah, I missed him a hell of alot.”
I lean toward him, and he comes at me with a kiss, puts his arm around me, and moves in closer, pressing his body against mine. I surrender so easily to him, rolling so that my back is on the mattress, him on top of me. I enjoy the pressure of his weight, how it feels to be beneathhim.
He puts his hand against my face and leans back. There’s something in his gaze that’s so warm and inviting. It makes me feel soopen.
He offers a soft kiss on my chin, such a strange spot for him to choose, yet there’s something so intimate about the way he kisses it. His lips move down my neck, and then he kisses his way down mybody.
The air mattress squeaks as he crawls toward the foot of the bed, and soon he’s burying his face in my crotch, licking up my shaft, taking my cock into his mouth. There’s something nice about knowing I’m the only dick he’s sucked. I don’t know why that is so satisfying to me, why I so selfishly want Jesse, needhim.
I keep climbing higher and higher, and then he releases my dick and slides his arms under my thighs, kissing beneath my balls down to my ass. I tense up immediately but try to relax, to trust in Jesse entirely. He licks gently, softly, the way I’ve done for him before, yet I find my tension rising, escalating quickly, and the shaking becomes more severe. I try to still the discomfort, to mentally will myself to stop.You can control this. You can make it through this…for him, for you, forus.
But a series of familiar sensations course through me. Painful.Crippling.
As he rims me, my muscles tense up, and I arch my back, not in that satisfied way when a sexual impulse moves through me, but that horrible feeling of an anxiety attack. My skin flashes with heat and sweat builds across my face. I struggle to breathe, and thoughts that I’m used to dealing with on occasion flash to myawareness.
