At the same time, I know that when it will happen, it won’t be ease either of us will be experiencing, yet I don’t think any amount of trying to mentally prepare myself for that moment will help. Bad as it may get, angry as Ty may be at me, I’ll feel a hell of a lot better being honest than I am keeping this fromhim.
40
Eric
We had such an incredible day,and I’m thrilled that I could surprise Jesse with our boatouting.
I wanted to take him on the floor of the boat, abandon our plans for the evening, but I restrained my desire to give Jesse everything he wanted in that moment because I knew he would appreciate the pleasure so much more thatnight.
At first, it was just the thought of wanting it, of enjoying the way Jesse’s able to take control and make me want to submit to him. Then there was knowing it’s something he wants, something that when I look at him and see how excited he gets at the mere thought, like when I displayed my ass for him on the boat, it’s so life-giving.
When we return to our campsite, we prepare it—pitching the tent, blowing up the air mattress, collecting wood for the fire. We make a good team, something I really appreciate, because like with so many things about us, we just come together and fit soeasily.
As we eat dinner—steaks, asparagus, and corn on the cob that Jesse made on the grill—we chat a bit, but as we talk, my thoughts keep returning to what I’m eager to trytonight.
I can’t believe I’m even considering it. I wouldn’t have in another relationship. Jesse’s the first person who’s stirred this desire in me in this powerfulway.
The past few days, I’ve played with my hole quite a bit, trying to vibe it out, see if I’m comfortable enough to take thingsfurther.
Jesse wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, wouldn’t push or rush me. I know that, and I notice I don’t tense up the way I once did when he plays with my ass. That’s probably one of the only reasons I’m even considering this. He respects my boundaries, these boundaries that I shouldn’t have, that are only there because of my fucked-uplife.
When we finish eating, we toast marshmallows for s’mores. Jesse gives me a little bit of hell for the fact that I like mine a lot darker than he does, and we find ourselves eventually lying on a blanket on the ground, gazing at the stars through thetrees.
I roll onto my side and rest my hand on his abs, just beneath hischest.
“This has been a really nice day,” I tellhim.
“It has.” His white face has an orange glow to it in what remains of thecampfire.
“We should do this kind of thing moreoften.”
“Well, you know, that’s what boyfriends do,” Jesse says. “Stuff likethis.”
“Boyfriends? Whoa, whoa, we never said we’reboyfriends.”
His eyes widen, and his mouth opens. He sits up quickly, studying me like he’s thrown by my reply. “Are you fucking kidding me? We’re talking about telling your son about what we’ve been doing, and you don’t think we’reboyfriends?”
“I assume this requires a discussion about whether we are or aren’t boyfriends, doesn’tit?”
“Do we need a discussion at this point?” Jesse asks. I can tell he thinks I’m being absolutelyridiculous.
“No, I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. It’s been a very long time since I’ve talked to someone about being in a relationship…or considered that this was even a possibility. Hell, when I broke up with Casey, I swore off relationshipsaltogether.”
“Most of us swear off relationships after abreakup.”
“Fair point, but you’re saying you want to be my boyfriend?” Iquery.
He grins. It’s like he’s proud of something. I can’t tell what. “You want me to ask you, don’tyou?”
“What?”
“You don’t want to be the one to ask me. You wantmeto askyou. Why? Are you shy about asking me?” Jesseasks.
“I’m not shy aboutanything.”
“Do you think I’m going to rejectyou?”
“I know you won’t rejectme.”
