Jesse smiles, seeming to appreciate the little game weplay.
“It was lovely. After work, the guys and I got together and played some flag football. Kind of shorthanded since Ty evidently had to get together with his dad.” He makes an overdramatic gesture toward me, rolling his eyes. “Then afterward I had to hurry over here, take a shower, get my booty clean, and then try and get together my surprise dessert since I’m kind of amazing atbaking.”
He kind of is, and I haven’t been shy about sharing that fact withhim.
“A little too amazing,” I say, patting my stomach. “I think I’ve put on ten pounds in the pastmonth.”
“That is such bullshit,” he says, “maybe two. But you needed to put on a little extra weight. I think you were getting a little tooskinny.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing that actually happens when you’re over forty. I’ve been able to get a few runs in this week, but I’m not able to hit the gym as frequently asyou.”
“I didn’t hit the gym today, so there yougo.”
“It’s Thursday. This is your off day,” I remind him, and I’m kind of impressed with myself for knowing that fact. The look in his eyes lets me know he’s impressed aswell.
“Look at you. Memorizing myschedule.”
“I have an assistant for all that. I get her to put all your things on the calendar,” I lie, and hechuckles.
“Maybe you just have these stalker tendencies I’m not quite used toyet.”
He tightens his grip around me before glancing over his shoulder, checking the clock over the oven. He turns back to me. “Why don’t you go shower and clean your own hole while I get this.” He grips my ass cheeksfirmly.
I know he’s kidding, but the joke is short-lived, because as soon as the words escape his lips, he releases his grip, his eyes widening, his expression filled withworry.
“Sorry, Eric. I didn’tmean…”
I know what he’s thinking about. He’s been so good at being respectful and not bringing up that thing he knows makes me uneasy. Not trying to draw attention to the fact that I’m not comfortable bottoming or with him playing too much around myass.
It’s not really about him having his hands on my ass like that. And the way he just let loose reminds me that this is how at ease we are around oneanother.
“Jesse… It’s not a big deal, but thankyou.”
I appreciate his concern and his genuine, sincere interest in making sure I’m comfortable. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I’m not alarmed—because I feel safe with Jesse. Although, his joke tells me that he would enjoy if I bottomed forhim.
That’s not the only clue I’ve received. I can tell by the way he moves in the bedroom, by those times when I find myself pinned beneath him, and I have to admit, I desire it too. There’s a part of me that wishes I could be open to that, at least more than I have been. That I could let go of my past and the pain and the anxiety. But in a way, even just this moment gives me hope there’s a possibility, because the suggestion doesn’t arouse the normal tension and uneasiness I associate withthat.
There’s a part of me, maybe wishful thinking, that wonders if he could help take away that pain and darkness in my life and replace it with something that feels good. I haven’t really ever allowed myself to consider that. I spent so much time avoiding it. But with Jesse, I’m willing totry.
Can I? CouldI?
I head to the shower and washoff.
After I clean my hole, I take a moment, playing with it, sliding my fingers inside, imagining what it would be like to let Jesse do that. I feel this ache in me, this hunger, to let him take my body, claim me, give methat.
Some nights, I imagine him taking me and making me totallyhis.
But there’s a fear in the back of my mind, a reminder, that tension and uneasiness I felt him awaken within me when he so much as put his hand there. I don’t want to shut down like I have in the past. I know it’s possible, and it scaresme.
I push the thought away. Not tonight, at least. It’s too soon. I’m notready.
When I finish my shower, I head into the kitchen, a towel around my waist. Jesse has a tray of snickerdoodle cookies on the counter, which he removes and puts onto aplate.
“God, I’m going to get so fat with you,” I tellhim.
He turns to me and looks me up and down. “Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do to keep the other boys’ hands offyou.”
I laugh, enjoying the possessiveness. I approach him and seize a cookie off theplate.
