Because that was Chase’s way. Mason’s instinct was to run, and Chase would run after him. But that day, he wasn’t sure it was such a great idea.
Chase moved to him anyway and grabbed his hand, which only made Mason want to fall apart even more.
Mason felt a tear release and turned away just as quickly.
“Come here, Mase. Come here.”
Chase pulled his hand, forcing him to turn to him and reveal his vulnerability, something he was ashamed of.
He didn’t want Chase to see him as weak. He didn’t wantanyoneto see him as weak, something he’d learned from Ma and Pa and how strong they were, which only made the experience of seeing her like that so much more difficult.
“Talk to me, please,” Chase begged.
“I’m fine. I have to be fine. I’m supposed to be taking care of her. Of you. Of everyone. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to let you down.”
“You’re not letting anyone down. This is hard on us all.”
“I just don’t want to let her down. Not when she needs me.”
“We’re all doing everything we can. And you’re not on your own, Mase.”
“I just can’t do it. I can’t be strong, Chase.”
“Then I’ll be strong for you.”
Chase’s words offered him such relief. He collapsed into Chase’s arms, leaning on him, needing him.
He wanted to tell him he didn’t need that, but he did—so desperately.
He needed someone, anyone else to care for him right then. To listen. To hear his cries.
And he let it all out as he trembled against Chase’s body.
“I can’t see her like that anymore. It’s so hard.”
“I know, Mason, and I’m sorry, but I’m here.”
“Why does she have to go through this? Why does it have to be so goddamned hard for her? She doesn’t deserve this. I want Ma back. I want her home. I want her to be able to smile and laugh again. She’s just so fucking depleted.”
“Everything’s going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not. Nothing’s ever going to be okay again. It all just hurts so much.”
“I’ve got you, Mason. I love you.”
In that moment, despite the fact that nothing had really changed, just having Chase with him, caring about him, holding him, made Mason’s pain subside. Not much. Just enough that he could breathe.
The tears flowed freely as he held on to his Chase the way he wanted to hold on to everything in his life, terrified of losing those things that mattered to him more than anything in the world.
“Don’t let me go, Chase. Please don’t let me go.”
“I won’t.”
But Mason knew he had to eventually. That the moment, beautiful as it was, couldn’t last, and that they were just on the horizon of the real pain that he was about to experience.
The despair of losing his mother.
“WAKEY, WAKEY.”
