I’m blushing. Oh my fucking God, I’m blushing.
He’s seriously bringing me out to get frozen yogurt. How muchmore adorable can Reese be?
We head in and order. He gets strawberry with almonds and fudge whileI get some peanut butter with fudge and cookies and cream.
“No toppings for you?” he asks as we sit at a small table in theshop.
“You’re the only top I need.”
He fights the smile, but I’ve clearly earned it. He takes a biteof his combo.
“That’s an interesting mix you have there,” I say.
“Strawberry and chocolate anything is fine by me…and you know, Ilike nuts.” He winks.
“I bet you do. I’m sorry about Tyler.”
“I needed this to happen. To show me that it’s not the end ofthe world. Even if he says something to the guys at work, I’ll live. Plus,there’s no reason to keep it from anyone. I already keep enough shit frompeople as it is.”
“So are these the kinds of dates you usually take guys on?” Iask, trying to change the subject.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve been with anyone…even flirtedwith the idea like this.”
“Oh, come on. There had to be others.”
“Not really. Considering the PTSD, I never felt comfortableletting things go far. I’ve tricked out plenty, but you know, this hasn’t beenan easy thing to deal with. Still isn’t, and I’ve never thought it was fair todrag someone else into my life.”
I reach out and grab his arm. “You know you’re not burdening me,right?”
But I can tell by the apprehension in his expression that hedoes. “Jay, I don’t need you pretending that this isn’t stressful for you. Youdidn’t sign up for this.”
“I did. In fact, I knew before I even started liking you thatthis was part of the package, so I eagerly signed up for it.”
My words don’t seem to bring him any relief. “Since you broughtit up, I think it’s only fair that I should mention that you haven’t seen theworst of it yet. And it’s coming. It’s always coming. One day, I’m going towake up, and it’s not going to be easy to manage. And it’s going to hurt youwhen that happens. I love having you here with me. It makes me feel amazing,and in some ways, I think it helps, but I’m not naïve. And I know that nothingcan make this go away. And it’s not your job to make it go away.”
“I’ve done enough research to know that this isn’t going tomagically disappear, Reese. You gotta give me some credit.”
“I just don’t want to wake up one day and find out that I’m thereason you’re unhappy.”
The despair in his tone is like a knife in my heart.
“God, I sure know how to ruin a fucking date, don’t I?” he says.
“Reese, I’m not some fragile guy who needs you tiptoeing aroundhim. I can handle this, and we can push through it together.”
“It just scares me because I really don’t think you canunderstand until it happens. Until one day I’m caught up in it, and you don’teven recognize me.”
For me, they’ve just been moments—moments when it feels likeReese isn’t really there. Where I’m wondering where he’s gone.
“I don’t think you realize how lonely it can feel,” he adds.
“I’m sure it feels awful.”
“Not for me. For anyone near me.”
Now I understand what he’s getting at.
“It’s like I’m drowning and then someone’s come out to save me,but I just pull them under with me so that we’re both suffering. So thatneither of us can breathe. I don’t want to hurt you like that.”
