“I’ve already played out this script too many times. I’m neverthe guy people want to be in a relationship with. You know what happened withthe first guy I ever fell for? We did this. For six months we fucked around.Six fucking months seems like it would mean something, right? To a dumbasstwenty-one-year-old who never had anyone it sure meant a fucking lot. We madethe dinners. He said all the right words and kept me believing there wassomething there. And then I got a call from a guy…telling me to stop seeinghisman. That they’d been together for two years. So I confronted the asshole whoplayed me, and what did he say? ‘What the fuck did you think this was? Weweren’t even dating.’”
I see the hurt in his expression. Hear the pain in his words.
“I get it. I’ve never been the guy anyone wants to date,” hesays. “I’m a fun fuck, but I guess I’m just such trash that no one couldpossibly imagine themselves being with me. Everyone wants a piece of theaction, but no one gives a shit about how I feel.”
“I care about how you feel. I want to be with you, Jay.”
He studies my face like he’s trying to see if I’m lying—leadinghim on like that asshole from his past.
“You didn’t deserve to be treated like that,” I continue. “Byanyone. You’re not trash. I don’t see that when I look at you. I don’t want youto feel like that. I just didn’t think I could do it overnight. That’s a bigstep for me to take at the office. I don’t let people in at all, so to be outto them and for them to know I’m seeing my employee, that’s a lot all at once.But if you need me to step out of my comfort zone for us, I will.”
For the first time since he snapped, he seems to relax.
I do the only thing I can think of to ease his pain. I kiss him.
He tenses up even more as I push on him, shoving him against thewall beside us. He resists for a moment, but then he wraps his arms around meand kisses me in a frenzy. I feel tears rush from his eyes and sweep past mycheeks.
They confirm what I’ve been feeling all this time—that he caresso much about what we’ve shared. And I’m relieved because it means I haven’tbeen alone in feeling this way.
He offers passionate kisses like he’s just as glad that we’reenjoying a ceasefire together.
He needs me right now. Needs my support. Needs to know how muchI care about him. I now realize that’s all this has really been about. The onlyreason he threatened to leave was because he wasn’t sure that I was feelingenough for him to want more. But I do want more. Every day that we’re together,I realize how much more I want with him.
I pull away and gaze into his eyes. He wipes violently at hisface like he’s ashamed that he cried in front of me.
“I wouldn’t be ashamed to have you as a boyfriend,” I say. “Infact, I’d love it. You’re an amazing guy, Jay. And I haven’t met anyone in along time who I actually want to spend this much fucking time with. Someone I wantto get to know. Experience things with. I haven’t done this kind ofrelationship for years, though. A lot of fucking years, so it’s just taking mea little bit more time to figure out how to make it work. But I do want to makeit work.”
I press my hand to his cheek and caress my thumb across hisflesh.
“I’m sorry I hurt you tonight. Or made you feel like I don’tcare about you.”
“I’m sorry, too,” he says, and he sounds like he’s returning tohis usual self. “I know it can’t be easy being in your position and having toworry about what the guys think. I’d be worried too if I had something to lose.But I’ve never had much to lose. Not for a long time. It just scares the shitout of me that even this might go away. I’d rather get out before it gets toohard. Before I get hurt too much. It would be more than I can stand.”
I know that’s what this fight has really been about. Becausethis is the only way he knows how to live.
It pains me that he would think I’d do something to hurt him.I’m worried about getting hurt, too, but not for the same reason.
“It would kill me if I knew that I hurt you inanyway,”I say. “Just like it hurt me seeing you like this tonight.”
He kisses me again, his kiss soothing what little fear I stillhad about him leaving.
We needed this fight. Eventually, everyone will know what’sgoing on between us. We won’t be able to hide it, and I have to face that. Idon’t like facing a lot of things, but this is one I’m willing to confront ifit’ll help Jay. If it’ll keep him here with me, which is where he belongs.
We take a moment from our kiss. “Don’t do that to me again,” Iplead.
“What?” he asks.
“Scare me into thinking you’re just going to walk out of my lifeforever. I was so lucky to have found you, and to lose you like that woulddestroy me. I won’t always agree with you, but I want to know that if we have afight, you won’t just leave.”
“That’s all I know how to do,” he says, his lips curling into awry smile. “That’s all I’ve ever done when things have gotten hard.”
“It’s taken me a long time to realize that running doesn’t solveanything. In some ways I’ll always be running. And I’d be lying if I said Iwasn’t scared as shit about what we’re doing.”
“I’m scared, too. I don’t want to get close. I fall too hard.Every time. I rarely let anyone in, but when I do, I’m all the way. So whenshit goes south, it’s bad. Real bad. I don’t want that.”
“But I wantthis. Us. That’s important to me, and we cando it together.” We kiss again, and his fingers slide under my shirt. I breakour kiss and tell him, “Let’s not play around anymore then. Be my boyfriend. Iwant you, Jay. I don’t want you to be confused or scared about that.”
His grin—eager and playful like when he’s reading thecomics—offers me so much reassurance.
