Here we were, having such a lovely evening, and he had to turn itinto this argument about making a spectacle of ourselves in public. He’s right.I don’t want the guys at work to know I’m gay. Or that I’m dating an employee.And I don’t think I’m wrong thinking they’re going to give me shit about it.That they’ll respect me less or think that I’m showing favoritism towards Jay.
I don’t know how to win this fight.
“Jay, you know how guys are. I’ve worked my ass off to get here,and I don’t need for everyone to start drama over something that isn’t a bigdeal.”
“We aren’t a big deal?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I don’t need everyone talking about me behind my back becauseof some guy that I’ve been with for a month.”
That was harsh.
I knew it as the words escaped my lips, but he’s pissing me offby challenging me like this. He’s not justsome guyto me. But itdoesn’t seem fair for him to ask me to out myself to the guys in the factoryI’ve been working at for years when he’s been there less than two months.
“That’s what you think of us?” Jay asks. His face is bright red.Last time I remember seeing him this angry, he was getting into it withWilliam.
“No, I’m sorry. I was just—”
“Fuck you,” he says. He pushes to his feet and heads into theliving room.
I follow after him. “Jay—”
“Don’t fuckingJayme. If that’s all you think of us,then I want out. I don’t need to waste my time chasing some guy who can’t admitto people how he feels.”
This is about a hell of a lot more than the conversation we justhad. I’ve triggered some defense mechanism within him.
“Jay, please…calm down.”
“Calm down? Oh, now you want me to fucking calm down?” His eyeswater. “Whatever. I don’t need to calm down. I just need to get the fuck out ofhere.”
He approaches the front door, and I’m terrified that, consideringhow mad he is, if I let him go, he’s going to walk out of my life forever. Thisis who he is. This is what he does. He runs.
I run past him and throw myself between him and the door.
“Get out of my way,” he says, his body tense as he approaches me.
“Just listen to me, Jay. Please.”
“You’ve said everything I need to hear.” He’s not looking me inthe eyes anymore.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be an asshole about this. I wasjust defensive.”
And you are too right now.
“You meant what you said,” he says.
“I’m scared of what people will say. I wasn’t making that up.And I was upset that you were challenging me like it was something I had to doto prove something to you. That’s why I got a little snippy about it, but thisis something we can talk through. You don’t have to leave over a fight.”
“I don’t see a reason to stick around where I’m not wanted.”
The Jay who stands before me isn’t the Jay I’ve spent all thistime with—the guy I’ve laughed with and shared so many wonderful meals with.This guy is rigid. Tense. Afraid. He refuses to look at me. It seems like if Iget too close, he might lash out—do something crazy.
I approach him anyway. I need to get him to lower thesedefenses. I want my Jay back. The Jay who isn’t stubborn and obstinate. The Jaywho listens. Who understands.
“Please talk to me about this.”
