I’m fucking grinning over it. I’m not used to people beingfriendly and fucking inviting me to shit. It’s nice. “Yeah, I can do that.”
It’d be rude for me to sayno, but I wish I could bringReese. This is just a reminder that we’re not boyfriends and that this wholeboss/employee thing complicates things even more. It reminds me of when I wasyounger and guys liked to skirt around the idea of being boyfriends. Seemedlike they didn’t have a problem being serious with other guys. Just not me. Idon’t think Reese is like that, but I don’t fit into his life. He’s a hot,successful guy who has so much to offer. I’m trailer park trash, without anymoney—a guy who’s never held steady employment.
A fuckup.
I accept Tyler’s invitation for dinner.
After I get off work, I head to the grocery store to pick upingredients for the Chicken Parmesan. Reese has to stay at the factory untilsix, so I can grab what we need and have everything ready for us to make dinnertogether as soon as he gets home.
As I scan the chicken on a shelf, a young couple holds hands asthey pass me, the guy carrying a basket filled with their groceries. Theyapproach the fruits and vegetables and stop before a crate filled withcantaloupe. I keep my eye on them, trying to act like I’m just glancing around.They’re in their early twenties, I assume. They remind me of what was runningthrough my head when Tyler invited me to dinner.
“You’re gonna have to pick it out this time,” the guy says.
“Why?” the girl asks.
“Because you have that trick you do.”
“Oh, that thing Mamaw taught me?”
She picks up a melon and hands it to him. He looks at her likeshe’s lost her mind.
“Tap it,” she instructs.
He obeys.
“Listen to it. Does it sound like it’s hollow or like it’sreally solid?”
“Hollow.”
“That one’s not going to work, then.” She takes it from him andplaces it back in the crate. Then she grabs another. “Try this one.”
He does the same thing. “It’s like thud…thud…thud.”
“That one’s good then. If it’s hollow or too solid then it won’twork. You’re just supposed to hear that light thud.”
“Well, aren’t you just a little genius?” he says, lowering themelon from his ear and offering her a gentle kiss.
Jealousy wells within me.
I wish I could walk around with Reese without being worriedpeople would judge us for being gay. But he might not even want to be in apublic place with me, knowing that someone from work could discover us. I don’twant to put Reese’s job on the line, but we shouldn’t have to hide how we feel.
I shouldn’t be thinking like this, considering we haven’t takenthings further. We’re fuck-buddies who like each other a hell of a lot. Ihaven’t wanted to push. Just wanted to be in his life. But considering howthings are when we’re together, I don’t see a reason to pretend that we bothdon’t want to take things to another level. Unless he doesn’t want that, inwhich case, I should fucking find out before I get hurt.
I chase that thought away. Of course he wants more, but there’sa part of me that can’t believe anyone would want more from me.
After I finish grabbing ingredients for dinner, I head back tothe house and start preliminary preparations for our meal.
I can’t get that couple out of my head.
Even though it’s only been a month, Reese has to feel the way Ido—that this is beyond fucking around. No, there’s no question about how wefeel. Unless he doesn’t want people to see that he’s with a guy. Or even worse,with some employee who’s beneath him. Who doesn’t have nice things or a houselike he does. Or a good job.
That insecurity about me not being good enough for him keepstaking over my thoughts.
What if he just wants to keep me as his dirty little secret?What if he’s ashamed of me? What if he sees me like all those other guys did—afun lay, but nothing more? I know what that leads to. How much it hurts wheneverything falls apart.
I don’t know if I can do that again, especially the stronger myfeelings become for Reese.
When he enters the front door and gazes at me with appreciativeeyes, my insecurities subside. I don’t think he’d have a problem being out withme in public. Surely he’d be fine with others knowing what we have going on.
