Hecups his hand around my head and pulls me even closer, so that my nose ispressed up against his cheek. Then he pulls from our kiss and rubs his facealongside mine, breathing in deeply.
“Whatthe fuck are we doing?” he asks. “I don’t want you to be here because you pityme. I don’t need anyone to be here for me. I’ve been on my own, and I can takecare of myself.”
“Theonly reason I’m here is because of how incredible it feels to be near you.Because I can’t get enough. And because I’m terrified that one crazy moment,you’re going to take yourself away from me. Please don’t do that. Life’s suchshit, but this isn’t.”
Hepulls me in close and holds me. It’s the most comforting of embraces in theworld. Makes me feel like he’s protecting me from the entire world. Like it’sjust the two of this in this little garden.
21
Reese
I was so fucking wrong when I thought I had to give up Jay thatnight.
It’s been a month since the anniversary of Caleb’s death, and I haven’thad an episode like that since. The usual day-to-day things still get to me. Ican tell by the look on Jay’s face that he’s always uneasy whenever there’s aloud sound, but something about him being here has made it easier for me tomanage. Feels as though at least someone is on standby in case I need help. I’mused to having to deal with it on my own. Be strong. Tough it out through shit.Therapy has obviously helped, but it’s not the same as having someone righthere with me. Being around him quiets my mind. Not entirely—I know better thanto expect that. The rumblings will always be there, and the episodes won’t goaway, but it’s nice having an ally.
With our inventory audit completed, I don’t have that stress onmy plate anymore. And Jay’s not only managed to keep his cool, but he’s becomefriendly with his co-workers. I like to think he’s chilled out because I’m asgood for him as he is for me.
Jay spends most of his free time at my place. I haven’t evenseen the house he lives in because he says it’s basically a frat boy’s room.But he’s started bringing clothes over. I made space for him in one of mydrawers just two weeks ago—space I hope continues to grow as we spend more timetogether. We’ve made dinners together and watched a lot of movies. We both havea thing for over-the-top comedies likeZoolander,Anchorman, andTheOther Woman. And he’s shown me a few stand-up specials from some of hisfavorite comedians, so we spend a lot of nights laughing together. Laughinghelps scatter those distracting thoughts that come so frequently.
I file a few invoices away in my office, playing catch-up onsome things I neglected while we were prepping for the audit. Finally, piecesof my world are falling back into place and moving in a positive direction. Notjust with work, but with my life.
Jay and I drove to work separately from my house, and we’ll bedriving right back once we’re finished. Then we’ll clean up and mess around.We’ve already agreed to make Chicken Parmesan tonight for dinner. And then the restof the night will take us where it usually does, back into each other’sarms—back into the bliss that I’ve come to realize can exist for me once again,even if it is hindered slightly by the echoes from my past.
My phone vibrates.
It’s probably a naughty text from him, like ones we’ve exchangeda lot more these days. But it’s a call.
Melanie.
Oh, Melanie.
A knot twists in my gut. Every time she calls, my guilt consumesme.
She hasn’t tried to call since the day Caleb passed.
I don’t feel bad just because she’s trying to reach out to me. Ifeel bad because I know I shouldn’t be like this. She deserves better than meignoring her calls. But especially while things are going so well right now,the thought of letting her invite all those awful feelings back into my lifehorrifies me. It’s what keeps me from responding.
I let her call go to voicemail, as I usually do.
She deserves better than this. I’m a fucking asshole, and I knowit. There are a lot of things that I regret, but the way I treat her is the oneI regret most. Still, I can’t bring myself to deal with her any more than I candeal with any number of the things from my past.
She leaves another voicemail. I should listen to it. I can’tkeep deleting them.
I call to voicemail. “Hey, Reese.” It’s her soft voice. A voiceI was so familiar with—one that used to fill me with eagerness and excitement.Now, that voice only conjures up grief and sadness. “I need to talk to you. Ifyou could give me a call back, I would appreciate it.” She sighs. It’s the sighof a woman who’s tired. The sound she made when she tried to talk to me duringthose last months when I was with her, when she just couldn’t reach me.
I tell myself I’ll call her back, but it’s a lie. Something willcome up. I’ll make up an excuse to avoid it like I always do. This is the sortof avoidance we talk about in group sessions and during my time with Laura, butit isn’t something I’m ready to face. Not while things are going well in mylife. Not when, for the first time in so long, I feel like I have a chance athappiness. A chance at moving on. I’ll wait until things settle down and thencall her. Although, how many times have I said that?
There’s a knock at the door before it opens and Jay enters. Ican’t help the smile that stretches across my face.
He closes the door behind him, his expression serious. Oh, no. Iwas enjoying him not getting into trouble, and now here he is becausesomething’s gone wrong. I hop up from my chair and head around the desk.“What’s the problem?” I ask, frustrated but eager to soothe him.
He approaches quickly and kisses me, his lips firmly againstmine as he pushes me back against my bookshelf, which rattles against thedrywall.
My concern about his reason for being here dissolves. I’m glad he’shere. Not just in my office right now, but in my life.
He breaks our kiss. “Nothing’s wrongnow. You don’t knowhow fucking crazy it’s been driving me that you’re just sitting up here, and Ican’t do a damn thing to you.”
“You sure as fuck didn’t let that stop you,” I say.
