Hetilts his head back to see me. He looks horrified by what I’ve said. As if Ijust told him to fuck off.
“You’resorry?” he asks. “I fucking hit you in the face andyou’resorry?”
“Youdidn’t mean to hit me. I know that.” I sit beside him, on a wooden board thatacts as a frame around the garden.
“Howcan you say that? I saw the look in your eyes. I knew what you were thinking.You were looking at me like I’d just done what your father did to you. I sawthe way it affected you. How it tore you up inside.”
“Obviouslyit wasn’t easy, but it’s not like you decked me during a fucking fight. Thatwould be one thing. That would be unforgiveable, but an accident that happenedbecause of something you can’t control? I’m not going to fault you for that.”
Heraises his hand to his face, like he’s trying to conceal it from me. “Maybe youshould. Maybe I’m not safe to be around.”
“That’sbullshit. It was one fucking night. How many nights have I stayed over and beenfine? You’ve just had a lot on your mind, especially today.”
Hemoves his hand and looks into my eyes like he’s trying to detect any hate orresentment over what he did, and he might find some. While I understand whathappened, a part of me just sees red as I think about that bastard who hurt mefar beyond any of the physical injuries he gave me. It’s a whisper in the backof my mind, trying to scare me. Trying to spark fear within me about thiswonderful thing I’ve discovered. I won’t let it win, though. Not today.
“Idon’t want to hurt you,” he says. “I would never hurt you intentionally. Neverlay a hand on you. But I can’t promise that I’m not dangerous. Because thesethings happen, and I can’t make them stop. I can’t make myself better. I knowthat. I have to find a way to live with all this every day. I wanted to believethat I was strong enough for this, but—”
Iknow where he’s going with this, and I refuse to let him. “Please don’t give upon this already,” I say. “I don’t have a lot of things in my life that make mehappy, but this does. Spending time with you is one of the few things I have tolook forward to these days, and I know the risks. I know what you’re goingthrough.”
“I’mjust terrified that it could have been so much worse. You don’t know how angryI was. How afraid I was of dying in that moment I woke up. It was like I wasright back in the war. It was like I was fighting with an insurgent that I hadto kill to stay alive that day. When I was in the dark, I didn’t even know I’dwoken up. I thought if I didn’t fight, I’d die, I was a goner. And the thoughtof doing anything that could have put your life in danger scares the shit outof me.”
Itscares me, too. Hell, I almost peed on myself when I tried to wake him and hewent apeshit like that, but I don’t want to lose him over this.
“Youshouldn’t have to keep suffering over something that happened so long ago,” Isay.
“ButI do. Every day. Every night. And I’ll suffer a lot more if anything happens toyou.”
“Nothing’sgoing to happen. I’ll just be more careful if I try to wake you up next time.”
Theway he shifts his gaze, I can tell what he’s thinking. That maybe thereshouldn’t be a next time.
Itsaddens me.
“Youwanna talk about the nightmare?” I ask.
Hetakes a moment before he speaks. I wonder if he’s going to tell me, but then hesays, “My squad was ambushed in Fallujah. It was right after we arrived. It waseerily quiet when we first got there. Not a lot of action. But then as we gotfarther into the city, that’s when the guns came out and made me and my teamscatter. Me, Caleb, and another guy ended up going into one building that hadan explosive device—the one that took my foot. Crazy thing was, when ithappened, I didn’t even realize I’d lost it. Just thought it’d been injured inthe blast. An insurgent came in, and I wrestled him to keep us alive. Stabbedhim with my combat knife. To death. Then our guys found us and rescued us. Tookus to the medics. That’s when they told me that it wasn’t just an injury. Mywhole foot was gone and some of my leg was shredded and they knew it couldn’tbe saved. One of the other guys we were with lost an arm. We were sent backhome. Caleb stayed and fought.
“Hecame back a few months later. I was living in Tennessee, but he convinced me tomove down here with him, so I did. He had a fiancée he was coming back to. Theywere going to start a life together, but he was so rattled. She found himdistant…too distant. And she ended up calling it off. Said he needed to gethelp. I agreed. We weren’t the same. Not just us, but any of the guys we servedwith. We didn’t know how to just pick up where we left off and act like none ofthat shit had ever happened, especially those of us who had wounds to show thatwe were there. Some people I ran into would call me a murderer for even beingin that war. I don’t know that they were wrong. I guess that’s what I am now.Anyway, Caleb would just act funny everywhere he went. Agitated. Same as me. Hehad the nightmares, and he wouldn’t see anyone about it. Neither of us would.Then one day, I got a call from his ex-fiancée. He was back with his family anda bunch of them were going fishing. They didn’t want him to go since he seemedoff. He stayed back at the house and put a rifle in his mouth. Pulled thetrigger with his toe.”
“Ohmy God,” I say.
“That’swhen I realized I couldn’t pretend that everything was okay. That if I didn’tdo something, I’d end up like him.”
“I’mso sorry.”
“Ican’t pretend that none of that shit happened. The world wants me to go on asif I’m okay, but I’m not. And everyone can see that I’m not.” He looks down athis shin, running his thumb across the scars. “I’m not even a whole personanymore.”
“That’snot true.”
“Yes,it is. And every day is just another day I’m scared as hell that I’m about tolose my fucking mind. Which is why I’m scared as shit of hurting you. And it’swhy I wish it had bothered you more than it did.”
“What?”
“Becauseas much as I know I shouldn’t put you in danger like this, as much as it tearsme up, I’m so fucking selfish, and I don’t want this to end.”
“Thendon’t let it end.” I lean in and force a kiss. I know that once I reawaken thatpassion that’s between us, he’ll realize how stupid he’s been for evenconsidering stopping what we have going on. At least, I hope so.
Aswe kiss, what remains of my uneasiness from the attack subsides and is replacedwith my total appreciation for getting to share this moment with him.
