“It’s okay. His mom gardened a lot before she started gettingtreatment for breast cancer, which is what she ended up dying from. Calebalways said that he kept the garden up in hopes that she’d be able to get backto it when she finished up her chemo regimen. But life didn’t work out like heplanned, and she didn’t make it. When he got back from Iraq, he startedgardening again. He actually taught me how to compost, which I think is thereason why I’m able to keep any of this shit alive. He always said keeping thegarden made him feel like his mom was still a part of his life. When I wasgetting treatment for my PTSD, Laura encouraged me to find a hobby. Any hobby.It was the first one I could think of because of him, and also, I liked theidea that maybe it would be my own way of keeping him around.”
“But you guys never had a…relationship? I mean, nothing morethan friends?” Jay asks, and I understand why he’s asking.
“Sounds weird, me being so attached to some guy I was in the militarywith even though we weren’t doing anything, doesn’t it? Maybe it was. Not thathe wasn’t gay. I always kind of assumed the reason he got along with me wasbecause he liked me more than he let on at first. His family was SouthernBaptist, and I could tell by things he’d say that he was into guys. And I thinkthat’s part of what made him gravitate to me…because we were similar in thatway, but neither of us wanted to take it further. We never had a conversationabout it, but I assumed we both knew we were batting for the same team. But hewas more like a brother to me than anything else.”
I don’t want to talk about it more than that. He doesn’t knowhow hard he’s hitting on the subject I’d rather not think about tonight, but myshaking starts to return.
Fuckin’ A.“Can we talk about something else?”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I thought that would actually be a safesubject when I brought the garden up.” The way he starts looking around likehe’s trying to find a way out of the awkward situation makes me feel like shitthat I even said anything. I doubt he feels great about being the one who’sreminding me of such a terrible part of my past.
“Don’t be sorry,” I say. “I’msorry.”
“For what?”
“For making everything a fucking trigger.”
“You warned me it wasn’t going to be easy for you. I understand.It’s not a big deal.” He reaches across the table and sets his hand on mine,stroking his thumb gently across my skin. His touch soothes me.
I didn’t think I’d be able to feel this way tonight, but beingwith Jay makes that possible.
“You about finished eating?” I ask.
“Yeah. Why?”
I rise from my chair, gripping on to his hand. “I want you.”
His eyes widen. It’s clear he’s surprised to hear that afterwhat a big deal I made about tonight not being about sex, but he doesn’t fight.Just hops up from his chair. He smiles and kisses me.
I don’t just want him tonight. I need him.
He grips my hand and guides me back to the bedroom. So funnybeing led into my own bedroom.
We brush our teeth and strip down, me to my boxers, him to hisbriefs. He lies across the bed, gazing at me as I step out of the bathroom, acocky smile spread across his face. It’s the sort of smile that makes me feelsafe.
I approach him and sit on the side of the bed, removing myprosthesis. I can see his surprise. I usually wear it, but I don’t want totonight. I want to be as I am with him. We’ve already pushed through so manybarriers together, and this is another I want to share with him.
He watches me, and tonight, more than any other night we’veshared, I don’t feel uneasy. He knows this about me. He doesn’t have a problemwith my issue.
I suddenly don’t feel like there’s anything unusual or wrongwith me.
I’m not a broken man. Not when we’re together.
I slide under the covers and cuddle up to him, kissing himgently at first and then letting the intensity build. He sets his hand back onmy face and runs his thumb through my beard. He pushes toward me moreaggressively than usual. He must know that’s what I need right now.
For him to be strong. For him to guide me through this. I wantto be submissive to him. He’s given it to me like that a few times since westarted this, and he’s good. Real good. And that’s what I’m craving tonight.
He rolls on top of me, his body pressed tightly against mine.His dick is sideways in his underwear, pushing perpendicular to mine as wethrust against each other.
As we break our kiss, he says, “Let me give you this, Reese. Letme take away the pain. Let me make you feel so fucking good.”
“Please,” I beg.
He kisses down my chin. Down my neck. Down my chest and torso.To my boxers. He slides them down and pulls them off before swooping down andlicking up and down my shaft. He angles my cock toward him before sliding itinto his mouth, offering swirls with his tongue across the head before slidingit deep in his throat. He puts in the work, burying his face against my pubesas he takes it in. I fist my hand in his hair, imagining him swallowing mythick load as he’s done so many times.
I turn to the nightstand and notice that he’s already laid outthe condoms and lube. I retrieve them, and as he lets my dick fall from hismouth, he looks up at me and grins. “Well, aren’t you an eager beaver?” Heremoves his briefs and suits up while I remove my boxers. Soon, he’s workinghis way into me.
The pressure feels so good. So distracting. I have to focus onloosening up because, as much as he gives me props for being big, so is he. Bigenough that it takes some time before he can break into his stride and ride megood.
