“He liked to shout, and he liked to hit. We would kind of taketurns with it. If one of us was getting on his nerves, the other would startshit just to redirect his attention. I don’t even think it was on purpose. Justsurvival. It was always over the stupidest shit. If I did a chore wrong. Or ifI got a bad grade in school, or had to come home with a note for getting into afight. A burden. That’s what I was. That’s whatwewere. One day, I’dgotten into a fight at school. The principal called him. They were threateningto suspend me. I think he was just mad that he’d have me around the houseannoying him all day for a bit. So when I got home, he just started laying intome. I guess it was worse than usual. I told Todd to leave. Screamed at him togo, because when Dad was done with me, he was liable to turn all that anger onTodd. But I think he was worried because Dad was real mad that day. Mom hadcome by the house asking for more money that he didn’t have, and I guess Toddthought he might take things too far. And Dad was laying in some good blows.Todd started screaming, begging Dad to stop. He grabbed Dad’s arm, and Dad justtossed him back.
“I know Dad was just trying to move him out of the way so hecould keep throwing me around, but Todd tripped over the side of the couch andfell back. His head smacked into the side of the coffee table. I knew he washurt, but Dad didn’t notice. So when I was trying to get away—get over to helpmy brother—he just thought I was trying to get out of my punishment. For thefirst time in my life I was able to beat him off of me so that I could check onmy brother.”
Reese stands before me in silence. In suspense. Waiting to hearwhat happened to my poor bro.
I can’t say it, though. It reminds me of how Reese couldn’t sayit when he was talking about Caleb.
“I just remember his eyes. Wide open, like he was about tospring back to his feet and start laughing and smiling. Oh, God, I’ve neverseen anyone laugh and smile like he did. Never seen anyone filled with thatmuch life. And for him to be taken from me, that…that was too much.” Tearsstream down my face.
As much as it hurt to share, there was something about it thatfreed me.
Reese hugs me. “I’m so sorry,” he says.
“It’s hard for me when that day comes around, so I understand.”
I feel so naked. And it’s nice to feel safe in his arms. To feellike he’s willing to shield me in such a fragile moment.
I’m amazed that I was willing to open up about something I’ve keptwithin me for so long. But I’m also so fucking relieved, and I just hope thatit helped him, even a little bit. That it let him know, however bad it is, he’snot on his own tonight.
18
Reese
I’m horrified by Jay’s story about that bastard father of his.
I hold him close, not just because I’m consoling him, butbecause his loss reminds me of my own. And yet, helping him in his moment ofpain gives me a break from my own hurt since he needs someone to be there forhim right now.
He clings to me. I’m not sure if I’m still shaking or if it’sjust less noticeable because he is too.
“I’m so sorry, Jay,” I say.
As he relaxes, he takes a breath and pulls away. “I’m fine.Didn’t mean to dump that on you. Just thought…I don’t know, it might make youfeel like you’re not alone.”
“It did, and thank you for that.” It means a lot knowing hecared enough to share something so deeply personal. Something that shook me tomy core. “What happened to your dad?” I ask.
“He went to jail. He’s serving his time. He won’t be getting outfor a long time, but he’ll be getting out. Something he doesn’t deserve, thefucker. When he does, I sure as fuck won’t be there to help him get back on hisfeet.” He wipes the tears from his eyes, and I pull him close again, offering akiss. He relaxes in my hold and kisses me back softly. He sets his palm againstmy face.
I want to take away his hurt. I wish I could hunt down hismotherfucking father and beat the shit out of him to pay him back for hiscrime, not just against his brother, but against both of them. No one shouldhave to endure that cruelty at the hands of a parent. Almost makes me relievedI never had that issue. As much as I used to fantasize about having parents, Iforget they can be a real nightmare sometimes. Not everyone is lucky enough toget good ones.
After the pizza finishes baking, we prepare two plates and eatat the kitchen table. “It tastes so fucking good,” Jay says, scarfing it downlike he hasn’t eaten in days.
“Couldn’t have done it without you.”
He smiles as he fans his mouth. “Oh, shit,” he says.
“Guess you put a little too much hot meat in there,” I joke ashe drinks from his glass of water quickly.
When he recovers, he says, “Fuck that was hot.” As painful asthat probably was, it’s clear it distracted him from the story he told meearlier. Brought him back to the present.
He blows out and sucks in a few times.
“I can give you something to suck on if that’d make it better,”I say with a wink. He laughs, and I find myself laughing, too. Letting myselfget lost in the moment with him, appreciative that I had the strength to invitehim over this evening.
Once he’s recovered and starts eating again, he says, “Thesevegetables from your garden are good. Where did you get this green thumb from?”He’s seen me working in the garden, but he’s never really asked questions aboutit. Just assumed it was a hobby.
Tonight’s not the night for him to get curious. “I…uh…I didn’treally start gardening until after Caleb’s death.”
“Oh, sorry. Shit.”
