“Smells fucking amazing already,” he says, setting the digitaltimer on the stove for fifteen minutes.
“Nice teamwork.” I offer him a kiss. He wraps his arms around meand pulls me close, but I can feel his distance as he kisses me. I’ve only feltthis occasionally since we started fucking, but it’s a coldness from him. He’snot present in the moment. His mind is off somewhere else, and as he pullsaway, he looks at me, his expression filled with uneasiness, as though he’safraid that I’ve noticed.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “And I’m sorry for being all evasive abouttonight. It’s… I’m not ready.”
“That’s fine. At least you warned me, and I’m amazed you’re evenable to talk to me this much about it.”
“I never would have been okay with doing this before, but youactually respect all these ridiculous boundaries I have up.”
“They’re not ridiculous, and I have my own too, so I get it.”
As patient as I want to be, I wish I could get inside his head.I want to know everything about him. And I want him to share those burdens thatweigh heavily on him.
“I’m here,” I say. That’s all he needs to know right now.
He glances around the kitchen. “For not being a date, this sureis the most datey thing we could have done. Sorry about that. I just felt likeI should make you some dinner, at least. For being here for me.”
“I want to be here. For this, and I mean, in case you get alittle frisky later.”
“Shit. I thought I was clear earlier…”
“That was a joke, Reese. I was trying to be playful. Take yourmind off the stress.”
Normally he would have realized I was kidding, but he’s nothimself tonight. I have to keep that in mind when I tease him.
“I’m all about you fucking the shit out of me and vice versa,” Iadd, “but not if you’re not feeling it. Seriously.”
He shifts his gaze to the side, twisting his lip.
“What?” I ask.
“Sorry. My brain’s everywhere tonight. I probably shouldn’t haveasked you to come over. I don’t even know why I did.”
“Yes, you do. You knew when you asked me. And I did, too. So I’mnot going anywhere, and we’re gonna get through this.”
He takes a deep breath. Then another. “I’m counting backwards,”he says. “Something Laura told me would help calm me down. I have a lot oflittle tricks I use. That’s one of them. Did you ever think you’d meet someoneas fucked up as me?”
“Well, I’m hardly the epitome of normal.”
“I lost someone today,” he says quickly, as though he had toblurt it out or he wouldn’t say it.
“Caleb?” I ask. “I kind of assumed it was something along thoselines.”
He nods. “I can’t believe I said that much,” he admits. He headsto the counter and grabs a glass that I assume is his cocktail before downingsome of it.
“This day’s never easy,” he says before taking another deepbreath.
“I can imagine why.”
But my thoughts are on my brother.
It hurts as I remember the times we played together. How hewould laugh so hard. How we would wrestle around and tease each other. To thinkthat Reese could be experiencing anything similar tears at my soul. I wish Icould take that pain for him so that he didn’t have to deal with it. Although Idon’t know that I’m strong enough because I’m hardly strong enough to handleTodd’s death.
I don’t ever talk about it, but I feel like it might help Reeseto know he isn’t alone. Because I know that when he told me about Caleb, I feltsome ease just knowing there was someone else who could relate to what I wasgoing through.
“I told you about my asshole father,” I say. I don’t know that I’llbe able to make it through this story, but I figure I can fucking try. I canbail at any point. When it becomes too fucking hard. When it becomes too muchfor me to bear. Considering the state he’s in, I doubt he’d push or pry. Maybethis is what we both need right now.
“I think he was bitter about having to take care of us. Not alot of room in his two-bedroom trailer. Mom left us with him. She’d swing backaround the house when she needed cash, but she spent most of her time with aguy named Phil. He was her dealer. And she’d go to his house and fuck him forsome drugs. She’d still need money, because evidently banging the dealer wasn’tenough for her to get her fix. Dad would fight her a bit for it, but he alwayscaved. I don’t know if he loved her or just felt sorry for her, but he’d handover however much he could afford, and make sure to give her a few words abouthow she left him withhergoddamn kids. That’s all we were to him. Herkids. And she didn’t even see us as that. Probably because she saw too much ofhim in us.
