“I know I don’t, but it just feelslike this is the way it always works, you know? Can you just tell me what waswrong with me? Is it that I’m weaker than him? That I’m not this big-shotathlete? You ever feel like you were cast as a part in a movie that you didn’twant to be in…as some side character that no one gives a shit about?”
“People give a shit about you. There’snothing wrong with you, Darren. You’re an amazing guy.”
“I hear that a lot. Right beforemy heart gets broken.”
Now I really don’t know what tosay.
“Sorry,” he says. “This isn’t yourfault. It’s not something you can do anything about. Just me feeling sorry formyself. I think that’s the real difference between a guy like me and a guy likeTad Roarke. He doesn’t ever feel sorry for shit. Just does what he wants.Whatever he thinks is right. Is that the trick? Disregard everyone else’s feelings.Be a complete ass. Well, I sure as fuck would be out of a job, wouldn’t I?”
He laughs another bitter, jadedlaugh. It’s like he’s laughing at how awful this universe can be.
“Darren—”
“I should go. Obviously. I’veclearly had too much to drink for this conversation.”
He heads past me quickly. Then hestops and turns to me, tears streaming down his face.
“This is my room, isn’t it?” Hisface spasms before he drops to his knees and bends forward. “God, life’s such abitch.”
Yes, it sure is.
I approach him and help him to hisfeet, back onto the bed.
“Just get some rest,” I say.“Tomorrow you’ll feel a lot better.”
“But it always feels like this. Itjust hurts and hurts and nothing makes it better. I don’t want to die likethis. I don’t want to die as some meaningless nobody. As someone who nevermattered to anyone.”
“You do matter to me, Darren. Justnot like that.”
He tilts his head so that I cansee into his sad eyes. “In a movie, this would be the part where I quit thisdead-end job. Then this awesome montage would begin where I become a betterperson right before I find the perfect man who changes my life forever. Butinstead, I’m just going to go back to this job and keep on being the patheticperson I’ve always been. Because I’m too scared of what will happen if I haveto do something else. Be someone else. Because life isn’t like the movies. It’sjust sad and lonely. And we find hope just long enough to think there might bea point to it all, and then just as quickly, that hope evaporates to remind usthat it was nothing more than an illusion.”
Such sad words, and yet, I can’tdisagree with them. Perhaps Darren has found some serious wisdom in this wastedstate.
“Goodnight, Darren,” I say, hopingthat he’ll see that there’s no point to us going round and round like this.
“Night, Bryce.”
He turns to face the window, and Imake my exit.
Fifty-Three
Tad
I hurry into Darren’s hotel room and call for him.
“In the shower.”
I texted him to schedule Bryce’sand my flight to Phoenix for this afternoon, and I want to go ahead and get thetickets. When he didn’t respond to my last text, I decided to come down to hisroom.
His phone lies on the nightstandbeside his unmade bed.
I’ll just email them to myself.That way he doesn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I pick it up and input his code,the one I’ve seen him use a thousand times before. I imagine the first thingthat’ll pop up is Grindr, and I think it’d be funny if I had a chance to sneaka peek at whatever image he’s using as his profile pic. God knows he probablyneeds a serious critique.
It’s not Grindr, though. Just atext. I’m about to click out of it when I catch the words, “…heading to seethis woman Sandra about his Mom.”
My cheeks fill with heat. Who thefuck’s business is it that I’m seeing that woman about my mom?
