I’d assumed the scar was from whenhe and Jeff were confronted by the gang they were trying to bust in NorthCarolina. But the trauma stretches back even further, to the memory ofrejection and cruelty for being who he is. I can’t help but wonder if the abuse,the injustice, is what led him along his path to the FBI. Has he been seekingout some sort of symbolic justice against his foster parents? Or just trying tobring some justice to a world that never had a place for him?
“They sent me back to the state,”he says. “I was pretty much on my own. Not a big demand for thirteen-year-oldfaggots, you know?”
He smiles as though he’s enjoyingsome bitter amusement about his situation. “So I know it’s a lot easier to bein than out, but as much as I hate to give you credit for something, you knowhow nice it would have been to have had someone like you—out in the world—showingme that what I was wasn’t wrong. You know how many kids there are outthere—kids who are just like we were—scared, confused, alone—and they see youand they think, ‘Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’m not alone.’”
I no longer see the adult Bryce. Isee a child desperate to feel like there’s nothing wrong with him in a time ofhis life where no one wanted him. Not his birth parents. Not even his fosterparents when they realized who he was. I see a dark world where he felt cut offand broken. It’s a side of him I wasn’t expecting. Once again, Bryce is full ofsurprises.
“So I think it’s important,” hesays, “not just that you’re out, but that you stay the fuck alive, because youneed to show these kids that there’s a better life out there, and that we won’tlet fuckers like these anti-gay psychos scare us out of living our lives.”
“No pressure, right?” I ask.
“Just keep out of the paths ofbullets,” he says. “Let me do my job, and you do yours.”
I nod. I never would haveconsidered it like that before. That it isn’t just my job to stay alive for me,but because if others see gays being knocked off left and right, the messagethat will send them…I do have a greater responsibility. But this takes the ideaof being a role model to kids to a whole other level, and it’s not something Ican possibly live up to. Not with the life I’ve been living.
Thirty-Three
Bryce
After dropping Debra off at her room, Tad, Kiernan, Darren,and I walk Tad to his.
When Tad gets inside, he fixeshimself a much-deserved cocktail. I want to comment that it’s not a good ideato mix a drink with all the meds the nurses pumped into him, but I can’t imaginemy warning will do much good right now.
I keep replaying the conversationwe had at the hospital over and over again in my head. It’s something I trulybelieve. Despite how much of a dick he can be sometimes, he doesn’t deserve todie because of it, and just as importantly, we don’t need yet another traumathat leaves our kind feeling like we aren’t safe in the world. Although, themore pessimistic side of this is, what if I can’t protect Tad? What if I failand he winds up just like the others?
I think about being that gay kidback in Kansas without a single gay role model to look up to. No one to relateto. Alone and feeling like a freak in a world where it seemed no one understoodhim. No one should have to live like that. And with Tad front and center assuch a public figure, his influence will be tremendous, not just in helping gaykids, but in helping those who aren’t gay start to see that we’re just likeeveryone else.
“You want a drink?” Kiernan asksme.
It’s the nicest he’s been sincewe’ve been at the hospital. I think he’s too tired from all the nurses hefussed at when he was urging the doctor to release Tad. We all just need a goodrest right now.
“Sure,” I say.
My phone vibrates in my pocket.Checking the screen, I see it’s Roeder.
“Just spoke with Connolly andTorrents,” he says after I answer. “We’re not breaking your cover.”
“What? Everyone’s going to catchon.”
“No. We’re releasing intel that Tadreceived the same note as the others, but we’re going to play that you were aprivate bodyguard hired by Kiernan and that we have our own people who havebeen working with the Roarkes to ensure his safety. We’re going to play up ourpresence at his games and stress that we have all been working together as onebig happy family.”
“So you’re saying I have to keepup this stupid charade?”
“Connolly and Torrents said, and Iagree, that as long as we keep things as-is, whoever is responsible for thiswon’t believe that we’re any more involved than we already are and they’llcontinue accordingly. In the meantime, we plan on sending you two more guyswho’ll help you when you guys go out. They’ll also be undercover. As far asthese attackers know, you will be the only guy guarding him, and if they trysomething like that again, you’ll have backup.”
“We should have done that to beginwith.”
“Hindsight’s twenty-twenty, isn’tit? Look, the only reason we’re even doing this much is because of the negativepress we’re getting. If we don’t catch these bastards, then we look like wedon’t give a shit about gay people. And now that they’ve already made anattempt, it’s likely they might make another. And soon.”
“But if you just out my cover,then—”
“The assholes know what’s up andjust find a cleverer way to kill Roarke. Got it?”
Valid point.
“We’re willing to look bad for awhile if that’s what it takes,” Roeder says, “but once we nab these guys, it’sgoing to make us look real good. That’s what Connolly and Torrents care about.We’re going to work through the details tonight, and we’ll email you about themtomorrow morning.”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
