“You know, if that bullet hadgotten you good, it could have hit your spine or punctured your heart,” hesays. “You have some sort of death wish?”
“Not any more than you.”
“This isn’t a joke.”
“I didn’t take a bullet because Ithought it would be comical.”
I stare him down. I would think hecould be a little more appreciative and a little less of an ass.
“I’m sorry,” he says throughgritted teeth. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“In the future, I would urge youto remember that I’m your bodyguard and that if something comes up, you shouldlet me handle it.”
“Well, I’m not dead, and neitherare you.”
“This is what I signed up for.It’s my job.”
“To die?”
“To put my life on the line ifsomething like this comes up.”
“But you don’t want to die,” Isay.
Silence.
The look on his face terrifies mebecause I can tell that some part of him believes that maybe he would be betteroff dead. I almost wish I hadn’t said that. Then I wouldn’t have to face thereality that he’s deeply troubled.
I shouldn’t be surprised, though. Whatkind of person agrees to surrender his own life for someone else? Someone whodoesn’t believe he has anything to lose. At least, I wonder if that’s what thereason is in his case.
“At the very least,” he says, “itlooks like we’re done playing house. Roeder figures we have to come clean aboutthe department’s involvement. Me not being your boyfriend and all.”
I nod.
“And we’re going to be morecareful when you’re out and about.”
“I know that’s the right answer,but you can’t know what that does to me. My whole life is me being trapped inthis little bubble. Such a small fucking life. And now it just got evensmaller.”
Worse than that, this wholesituation has stirred something that I’ve been reflecting on ever since I wokeup after the attack.
“How can someone want this?” Iask, though I’m not sure I’m asking Bryce as much as myself. “I haven’t doneanything to this person. Nothing about me wanting to fuck guys has anything todo with them. I’m used to people being mad…saying crazy shit. But this…what thefuck?”
His gaze softens. He appearssympathetic. But I wonder if he’s judging me for just now starting to grasp thereality of all this—of course, getting shot will do that to a guy.
“There’re just some shitty peoplein the world.”
“I was seventeen when I came outto Kiernan,” I say. “I was starting to hang out with this other guy at schoolwho was on the team with me. I didn’t want to tell Kiernan because I was so scaredwhat he was going to say about it. But I just couldn’t keep it a secretanymore. It was haunting me every day. This lie that I kept presenting to him.I told him everything, so to keep this thing that meant so much to me to myselfwas unbearable. Some nights I would stay up imagining different ways of tellinghim. Every time we spoke, I felt like I had a lump in my throat. Like I wasalways having to hold something back. Roger Kinnerly was the guy I was into,and he was out to his parents. He encouraged me to just say it, no matter howscared I was. I finally worked up the courage, and one day while we werewatching the game together, I just told him that I had someone I liked atschool. I could tell by how tense he got that he knew what I meant. He asked mewho this person was, and I said, ‘Roger Kinnerly.’ Kiernan took a breath andturned to me, and in one of the most serious tones I’ve ever heard him speakin—and I’m sure you can imagine what that must have sounded like—he just said,‘Just make sure no one ever finds out.’ Then we went back to watching the game.I almost wished he had put up a fight. I wanted to fight. I wanted to get itout of our systems. But then I realized, he was fucking terrified that ifpeople found out, it would fuck up my future.
“It wasn’t just that he didn’twant anyone else to know. It’s that he wanted me to pretend that I wasn’t gayeven when I was around him. Like I needed to rehearse for him so that I couldshow him that I wouldn’t slip up around anyone else. So I spent all those yearswhen we worked together finding ways to sneak away from practice. Sneak awayfrom our hotel room. Grindr made it pretty easy, and I avoided face pics likethe plague so I didn’t have to stress about some asshole outing me. I got awaywith it, especially in the beginning because no one knew who I was, but as Igot bigger, I became too afraid to do even that.”
I realize I shouldn’t be sharingall this with Bryce, but between the stress of the day and the near-deathexperience, I just want to get it off my chest.
“And now I’m starting to see thatKiernan was right,” I continue.
I want Bryce to disagree. I needsomeone to tell me that I’m wrong, but his expression suggests he might feelthe way Kiernan did about being an openly gay star.
“I wasn’t raised by my birthparents,” he says. “Whoever my mom was gave me up when I was a baby. I wasraised in an orphanage until I was six, when I was taken in by some seeminglygenerous foster parents. Well, they weren’t as great as all that. My fosterdad, Joey, had a temper and really liked his Bud Light and the occasional bump.When I was thirteen, they found an old magazine cutout in a drawer in my room.It was an ad of a male underwear model, and my foster dad came into my room,took off his belt, and just started laying into me with it. Shoved me upagainst the wall and kept slapping at me. His belt cuff caught on my cheek anddug in real good. That’s what this is from.”
