“Okay. Where are we having our discussion?”
I led her to the family room. I wouldn’t say it was furnished, but it at least had furniture. We sat down on the leather sectional that had seen better days.
“No pressure, Brix. Seriously, no pressure. If you decide that you don’t want to do this, I will completely understand. I mean, having a child… Bringing a life into the world is not something anybody should do on a whim or as a favor to another person. So, you have a right to take your time and think about this.”
“Cool. I will.”
“Full disclosure, while you can take all the time you need, I can’t. I’m up against a clock here. So, I’ve already made the decision that in three months, I will start the process to freeze my eggs. That way, if this isn’t the right situation for you, I’ll have eggs when the right situation for me does happen.”
I took a deep breath. “First question: Are you looking for sperm, or are you looking for a father for your child? Not gonna lie; I want kids. I want to be a father. It would be weird as hell for me to see my child at all the family functions and not be able to acknowledge them as my child. I know some dudes could play thecool unclewith absolutely no problem, but I’m not cut like that.”
“Honestly, I was only thinking about sperm until you offered yours, Brix. Knowing you and seeing how you are with our niece and nephews, I can’t imagine you being an absentee father. So, I was pretty sure that you would want to be a hands-on dad.”
“That would definitely be a deal breaker for me. But that also adds another element to this whole thing. What do you think your family is going to say about this? Your parents? Shit, CJ? I’m already knowing that my grandfather is gonna talk cash money shit. People are going to think this is weird.”
“They are,” she conceded. “But I’m not too pressed about people’s opinions. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl playing with baby dolls. I know that motherhood isn’t foreverybody, but I want to be a mother. If the only thing stopping me are the thoughts of people outside of me and my child’s father, then nothing is stopping me. I don’t think my mother would trip. She would just love on the grandbaby, but my father would definitely talk his shit.”
We both chuckled.
“I jotted down a short list of things we would need to consider before agreeing to do this.” She swiped the screen of her phone. “Okay, there’s a financial component, Brix. Our attorneys would need to come up with a financial agreement for the care of the child.”
“No doubt. I’m with it.”
“There’s a custody component. I guess we would have joint custody, but I would really want physical custody. I would want the child to live with me.”
“I travel a lot for work. That makes sense, but I would want us to live closer, Ry.”
“But what if you get traded? Would you expect me to pick up my life and move it to your new city? I’m not even saying that’s off the table, I’m just asking if that would be the expectation.”
“You do work for CJ.”
She worked as Christian’s personal manager, handling any and everything that helped his life run smoothly.
“I do. But what if he gets traded? Would he expect me to snatch my child away from its father to follow him? We’ll also need to share medical histories, so we know about any potential health problems in the future. And relationships. I mean, you’re single now, Brix, but you won’t be single forever. How will we integrate personal relationships into our… relationship?”
“Chill, Ry. Chill. Relationships and integrating new people and all that shit can wait. That will come in time, but the other pieces we do need to discuss. What’s the plan if I get traded or CJ gets traded?”
“If CJ gets traded, he will have to find a new personal manager. That’s just that. I won’t snatch your child away from you to follow my brother or for some job that I’m doing because my brother needs me. If you get traded, I would probably be willing to relocate with you. Family means a lot to me. I can’t see just watching my child’s father waltz off and letting him go, to keep a job that I’m only doing because my brother needs me.
“But again, that brings me back to relationships. What if I’m married? What if my husband has a career here? What if your wife doesn’t want your baby’s mama following y’all from town to town?”
I cleared my throat. “Any woman that I married would have to understand that my relationship with my child is paramount to me. She would need to be mature enough to accept that you and I are going to be connected forever through our child.”
“I hate to get in your business, but it’s important to note.” She sighed heavily. “Where do you feel like you are in regards to your healing from the whole Adrianna situation? Are you sure you’re ready to be emotionally available? I know you said that your mother wasn’t emotionally available based on her heartbreak. Do you feel like that could end up being a thing for you? How long has it been now? A year?”
It wasn’t a comfortable place for me talking about Adrianna’s betrayal, but Ryann was right. I did need to be honest about where I was in moving past that relationship. “It’s been about a year and a half. I’m not a dude who usually talks about emotional hurts and all that shit, but in this instance, it’s important for me to address it. It’s important for me to be honest with you and with myself. I know what it’s like for a parent not to take time to heal or to be honest about what their hurt is doing to their children.” I took a deep breath. “Uh, Adrianna fucked me up with what she pulled. I mean, not only did she cheat, she got pregnant?—”
Her gasp was loud as hell as her hand flew to her mouth. “I didn’t know that.”
“Nobody knew that. We were able to keep that under wraps, mainly because we both thought it was mine, until it got to the point where she had to come clean about the situation.”
“Damn,” she muttered.
“I was with her for over ten years. We got together in college, and I thought she was my future. Every move I made, every decision I made, I did it with her in mind. Then she was gone.” I shook my head back and forth. “That definitely wasn’t easy. It took a toll. When it started really messing with my mental and my game, and other aspects of my life, I got in counseling. Not just counseling, but grief counseling. I’ve been in therapy for a few years about my childhood. Trying to get all that… garbage out—feelings of inadequacy, people pleasing, just all the shit that wasn’t serving me.”
Her brown eyes were wide with wonder. “I can’t believe you went to therapy. See, if you listen to some people, they’ll try to convince you that black men won’t address their mental health issues.”
“Having money, relevance, and unresolved mental health issues is a recipe for disaster. It’s a story as old as time, but I wasn’t finna let it be my story. I went to grief counseling. I needed the space to mourn my first adult relationship. I needed to mourn the life that I wasn’t gonna have with Adrianna.”
