“How long have you two been saying that?” she demands, delighted from head to toe.
Blood rushes to my cheeks. “Last night.”
“That makes me so happy. You have no idea. I’ve been waiting eons to see the day Chase would say that to someone, and I knew it would be you since the first time we met.”
I huff a laugh. “I was barely hanging on by a thread when we met. That doesn’t scream a good first impression.”
“I’m way more judgmental in your head than I am in real life, babe,” she says, tone suddenly serious. “Going through a difficult time doesn’t diminish your value as a person, and anyone with eyes could see that there was a lot more to you than that one particular moment in time.”
This girl and her unnerving ability to say the perfect things. No wonder she’s friends with Chase and Brady. They all have that ability when you need them to. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to do it too. “It means a lot to me, you saying that.”
She walks around the island to press a kiss to my cheek, which I may or may not lean into. Sue me. My experience with positive affection with women is damn near nonexistent. “You’re in, Easton. There’s nothing you need to do to earn it. I loved you long before I met you, as did anyone who loved your brother. If you had come back at a different time, you would have caught us in our stumbles too, and you still might. It doesn’t change how family feels about each other.”
Family. That word hits me straight in the chest. Is that what this is? It’s not just Chase’s parents and siblings including me; it’s her determination and Brady’s endless forgiveness. For the first time in my life, there’s no one around me who doesn’t see me for exactly who I am and love me for it, not in spite of, if even that.
That’s gonna take a minute to soak in.
It bolsters my determination, making my brain worm go into overtime. I was able to read up on two other mental health diagnoses yesterday and sketch them out vaguely, but now I can see them in vivid color. I need some paint and a canvas before my ears start bleeding or something. Good thing Chase will be preoccupied because I have a feeling I won’t be the best company today.
~~~
Hours later, I step back to examine my creation. It’s not pretty, but I wasn’t going for that, so that’s okay. Honestly, it’s miles away from anything I’ve ever attempted before, and I’m trying to wrap my head around that. It’s dark out, not that there’s much daylight to be found when it’s cloudy all day long. It’s been a while since someone poked their head in to check on me. I’ve spent a decent chunk of time painting with nothing but the black light to guide my brushstrokes, and I have no idea how this is going to turn out. It’s not even close to done, but the idea seems pretty clear. At least to me. A second set of eyes wouldn’t hurt, though, someone to tell me if I’ve gone off the rails.
Brady would know. Not that I’d call him objective about it, but he would understand what I’m aiming for, I think. No more than thirty seconds after I ask him to come let me borrow his opinion, my brother is standing beside me.
“Whoa. Holy shit, Eas.”
I cock my head to the side. “It’s a lot.”
Brady whistles softly. “Yeah, definitely that. Also, amazing. Wanna maybe clue me in on the direction a bit more?”
Well, here we go, I guess. “So this one is anxiety disorder. I want it to be kinda dark in normal light on its own and then the black light will show the full picture. Kinda like it’s haunting her and ripping her heart out. On the surface, it looks like she’s screaming in pain from nothing and then you see what’s killing her. What do you think?”
“Does—does it feel like that for you?” he asks.
I’m not lying to them anymore, I remind myself. “Yeah. When it’s bad, it’s like this. Sometimes it’s not quite so severe.”
He clears his throat and wraps one of his beefy arms around my shoulders. “When was the last time I told you that you’re my hero? Keep going. This is easily going to be the most powerful art you’ve ever created, and I have to see it done.”
His belief in me is unmatched. How easily he envisions my success. Now it’s my turn to clear my throat. “So this isn’t just some wild hair that I’m better off abandoning?”
He uses his grip to shake me. “Don’t you dare. Does Margeaux know about this?”
“A little? I kinda explained the concept to her and showed her a vague sketch but I haven’t shown her it with any color yet.”
My brother hums softly, almost contently. “I’m proud of you for talking to her about this. You should keep her updated, though. If for no other reason than she’ll be able to give you a lot more educated opinions than me.”
“I don’t know what to make of them,” I admit, embarrassment heating my face. “I’m trying, but still.”
It’s not something I like about myself. All these people who wanted me when I was too stupid to actually consider it a possibility. “It took me a while to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I was dumb where Mom and Dad were concerned, but my subconscious caught more than I gave it credit for.”
No one really would understand it besides Brady. We endured so much together; things that still linger to this day. “How’d you get it to stop?”
How did you let people love you? How did you let yourself love them without being crushed by the fear that they’ll cast you back out into the cold? “I kept falling short, and they didn’t give up on me. I’d go from fine to being crushed by the weight of worrying about you; missing you in the span of hours. It felt like dying, most of the time. I didn’t want more family. I just wanted you back. At the worst, I’d tell myself that I’d let all of them drown if I could get you back for it. But they were relentless, and eventually, I realized that depriving myself of people who cared about me wasn’t going to bring you back. It might have made meunrecognizable to you, though, and that was more than I could swallow.”
I swallow thickly. “So how do I do it if I don’t have that as motivation?”
“If this was a perfect world, you’d know that you deserve it. Until then, Chase would never let anyone close to you without knowing that they’d be good for you. Have some faith in him until you can have some in yourself.”
