It’s easy when he says it like that. I’ve been trusting Chase with the most delicate aspects of my life since the first day I met him. Back when I thought the worst thing that would happen to me was my parents finding out I was crushing on the quarterback that sat next to me in Honors Art class. He was protective, even then, over my heart, outraged that something so simple was causing me anguish. There’s no way he’d be encouraging me to develop relationships with his siblings and parents if he suspected that they’d hurt me.
Hope has always been my worst enemy, but it’s hard to not start picturing what life may look like if Aaron is out of the way. Family, friends, art, and love that builds me up instead of tearing me down. All things that I thought were out of reach for someone like me, now becoming more clear than ever that it’s possible. Maybe it won’t work out, but also, maybe it will.
CHAPTER 20
CHASE
Defeated, I yank my gloves off and toss them on the ground. “I’m so fucking done. Why do I keep letting you talk me into this bullshit?”
He doesn’t even give enough of a shit to look up from his concrete mixing. “You’re the most dramatic son of a bitch I’ve ever met. Keep digging.”
“This has got to be some kind of hate crime, making me dig the holes while you do easier shit.”
That makes him laugh, deep and rich. “Because I don’t trust that you won’t try and dump this mess on me as some sort of revenge plot.”
I’m not sure I could make a good case for that not being on the list of possible outcomes. While, technically, there’s no one to blame but myself, Brady takes the heat like a champ so I offer no apologies. We’re only on day two of this lunacy, but considering I’d rather be getting bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails, I’m not exactly happy about this endeavor.
If under the duress of actual torture, I might admit that this is slightly better than endless days filled with nothing but terror that something will happen to Easton. Only marginally, though.I may hate him for it, but this dumbass usually has the right idea about what to do with our combined stress levels.
Looking back, our renovation projects usually did line up with when one of us would be particularly fucked up about something. Not exactly uncommon before Easton came back, though. Speaking of… “Brady.” I wait until he looks up before continuing. “I’m sorry for encouraging Easton to talk to your parents back then. I knew I had a bad feeling about them, but I ignored it, and then you lost him.”
It’s sat between us since we were driving up and down every road in that fucking town, slowly coming to the realization that he was truly gone. I felt it. There was something so sinister about the way his dad watched us. But I made the wrong call and nothing has ever been the same since. It’s the last thing hanging in the balance. We’ve covered a lot of insecurities between the two of us lately and it’s done a lot of good, at least for me. This is the big one, though. The worst mistake I’ve ever made that sent Easton on a path filled with agony.
My best friend flips his ball cap around so there’s nothing obscuring his eyes before patting the grass in front of him. “Come on, little robot. Sit down.”
I’m choosing to let the pet name go for now, only because the pounding in my chest won’t be ignored. That damn sure is not sticking, though. When I’m across from him, he says, “You need to hash this one out before you’ll be able to move on, huh?”
Rude. “Yeah.”
“So you’re telling me that all these years, you’ve been the number one advocate for me forgiving myself, but this whole time, you weren’t willing to do yourself the same courtesy?”
There he goes, oversimplifying the point again. “Brady, I knew. Don’t you get that? I could feel that something was off.”
He scoffs, like I’m the one not getting it. “I knew too, if you want to get really technical. Not consciously, but I was awareenough that I must have told Easton a hundred times that if he could just wait until he could go off to college, he could be whoever he wanted. What’s different about that? You had a bad feeling, and I knew that he’d never get to be himself in front of them. Sounds kinda like the same thing to me.”
“You’re not gay, Bray. My hardwiring is set up to make me more aware of homophobia so that, hopefully, I don’t get myself killed. They’re your parents, of course it was harder for you to see. But I should have been able to see it and tell Easton he’d have been safer lying his ass off.”
Brady nods before turning his head up to the sky for a long moment. “You had faith in them because it was important to me. That’s not on you, and if we’re being real, not on me either. I trusted that they’d love us no matter what because that’s what parents are supposed to do. You wanted to believe in them because you had been relying on me. I was fully operating your social skills back then, which was cool with me. But no shit you didn’t want to admit what you felt. That seems pretty obvious to me.”
Goddamn him and his endless understanding. He can’t justno big dealaway the biggest regret of my life. Easton could have died, more than just the time that got him put in the hospital. Each time that sick fuck laid hands on him could have been when it went too far. Then what? If it had happened before this summer we would have never known. It kept me up at night, the always there possibility.
It’s not even uncommon.
The thought has haunted me. All because I told him it would be okay to come out.
Look where that got him.
The guilt iskillingme.
His leg extends before he kicks me lightly. “It’s time to let it go, Ace. You have to. You guys have the potential for thisamazing, wonderful life together, and that guilt will eat away at the joy you should be experiencing. I know things are tough right now while that motherfucker is still out there. But after that? You’re your own biggest threat. Eas is trying to move forward, not because he thinks he deserves it, but because he thinks you do. Do him the same courtesy. You may not think you should be able to set this weight down and keep walking, but Easton needs you to.Iwill need you to. This can’t keep hanging over you when you look over our history.”
“What do you mean?” I ask roughly.
Brady tugs at his hat, almost shy, which is a little bit of a mind-fuck to witness. “You’ve been my very best friend for six years, Chase. We’ve been together from starting college to graduating and getting real jobs. Buying houses, and you falling in love with my little brother, for fuck’s sake. I was there when your sister had her baby and every holiday, family birthday celebration, and major event since things blew up with my own family. When I think about our friendship, I see that shit. Sledding after that big ice storm with Blakely senior year. That fucking Halloween party when you swore up and down that there was no way you’d dress up with me but then you showed up late wearing that ugly yellow plaid blazer—the Cher to my Dee. It kinda sucks that you look back and see that one terrible moment. That there’s a way that can overshadow the great memories we’ve made together. That will eventually start to eat at you, which will hurt our friendship. So drop it, make peace with it. For me, Easton, Blake, and your family. All of us will suffer if you allow this to rule your life. I wish you’d do it for you, but until then, do it for us.”
Well, damn. When he puts it like that…“I hate how much sense you make sometimes.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I just gave the same speech with less words to Easton yesterday. Different goals, but y’all have more in common than you think.”
