“Yeah, okay.”
She says goodbye and hangs up. I remain standing because I have no idea what just happened. Eventually, Chase comes to find me. “Hey, you okay? What was all that about?” Relaying the prior conversation provides neither of us any clarity. “I can talk to her if you’re worried about it.”
“I don’t think worried is the right word. Confused, mainly. Maybe we just pretend it didn’t happen?”
He chuckles warmly. “My favorite strategy. You sure you’re all right, sweetheart?”
After taking inventory, I find nothing more damaged than before I talked to her. “Yeah. I’m okay. Or at least nothing major changed.” I’m getting better at navigating through the terror and guilt. Every other thought is a fear that keeping myself safe means Asher will die. I’m walking on a balance beam at all times. If I look down, I’ll fall into the abyss, but it’s getting easier not to do it. Knowing my limits helps. Having support helps more. “Let’s get back. They’ll worry.”
We get some concerned looks, but nothing too serious. Blake only makes it to the end of the episode before she’s slinking off to bed. Brady looks like he’s about to fall over. God, help him. He really needs his beauty sleep. “Bray, you can go to bed too.” Chase sounds like he’s trying to coax Sage instead of a grown man, but I digress.
My brother’s gaze finds me. “Did you have a good day?”
Oh, my heart. “It was the best day, Brady. Thank you for making it so special.”
With that, he’s finally able to call it a night. He just needed some extra assurance that I’m happy. After he walks away, I tell Chase, “I can’t believe I ever thought he didn’t love me.”
He pulls me close, my back to his chest as his fingers trace the lines of my abdomen. “It wasn’t you. Not really, anyway.”
He and those pesky fingers are distracting. His touch chases away the chill that seems to linger in my bones. I hope it never ends. “I know it’s pointless by now. I just hate it. He didn’t deserve that.”
“I hear you. You’re doing what you can to make up for it, though.”
Is he being extra affectionate or is he wanting to take it further? We haven’t done more than kiss since the night he went to Chicago. I’m trying to not overthink it. He’s been in a weird place, and reestablishing where we stand has been a work in progress. Surely he still wants me like that. I’m not sure I could live with myself if he was disgusted by me.
My stomach trembles as his pinky trails just above my underwear. How can he have such an effect on me? Such a minor touch and I’m about ready to come out of my skin.
“Hey, Chaos?” I hum, not trusting whatever would fall from my mouth at this point. “I’m trying to respect your space here, but if you keep wiggling around like this, I’m gonna need a time out or something.”
The absurdity makes me laugh. “Space? Why would I want that?” I know why actually, and I rush to clarify. “I don’t need space from you. If I’ve made you think that, it’s because I was giving you time to process everything.”
I can feel he isn’t looking at me, and when I check, I find him staring out the sliding glass door to the backyard. “We don’t have to do anything, Chase. I swear.”
He shakes his head. “Not here. I don’t want anyone seeing you like I get to.”
There’s a growl in his tone, and it’s no mystery who he’s thinking about catching me in a compromised position. “No one will again, love. Let’s go to bed.”
Chase is on me like glue all the way to my room, not allowing an inch of space to come between us, and I am thrilled about it. When the curtains are drawn and the door is locked for some extra peace of mind, I decide I can’t wait anymore. He needs to know. Before anything else muddies things up, this needs to happen.
“Can you sit for a second, actually?”
Sweat breaks out on the back of my neck. It shouldn’t be such a big thing, but there’s no convincing my heart of that. He does, clearly confused, but accommodating to my odd change of pace.
“What’s wrong, Chaos?” he asks when I don’t speak.
Deep breath. One, two, three… Exhale. “Gimme a sec. I’m getting there.”
He nods, patiently waiting for whatever comes next. He’ll give me all the time I need, that’s what makes this all the more necessary. “Don’t interrupt, okay? I need to get this out.”
“Whatever you need, sweetheart,” he assures me.
It takes a lot of work, even if it’s not as clear physically. But getting over my fear of rejection here is a bitch. It’s not Chase so much as it’s me. He’s been perfect for me from the start, and even if he doesn’t return my feelings, it’s not like he’ll be unkind about it. “You have been my safe place since that very first day, Chase. Even when I can’t express what I need, you know how to protect me, care for me, and comfort me.” Tears prickle at the corner of my eyes, and if this wall wasn’t holding me up, I’m not sure my knees would be capable. I can’t stop here, though. I won’t. “Your confidence in me when I had none has fueled me to keep going no matter how hard it gets. But it’s not just the wayyou treat me. It’s how you trust me with the pieces of your heart that the rest of the world doesn’t see. It’s how we balance each other out. Because you see me and I see you. That’s rare, Chase. All the flaws and imperfections. All the obstacles lurking ahead that scare the shit out of both of us. But I have you, and you have me, so it has to be okay. It has to be okay because I love you. So much. You don’t have to say it back, in fact, please don’t if you feel pressured or whatever. I don’t want that. You deserve to know how I feel, and I’m so in love with you.”
I hold a hand up, stopping him before he can say something. I’m still not done. I’m just trying to not crumble to pieces here. “I know you’re scared. I am too. What I did shook you, rightfully so. But you should know that it dunked my head in cold water, which I really needed. I don’t want to leave you in any capacity, so I’m working on it. It may not seem like it, but I promise I am. I’m trying to be better so you don’t get hurt again and because I love you so much that I want to have a real life together. That can’t happen if I tap out early.”
My teeth grind; keeping it together is a challenge unlike any other. But today has been a good fucking day, and I don’t want to fall apart. I’m blinking back more tears than I know what to do with. Chase’s warm hand latches on to my hip and guides me into his arms. His scent restarts my brain, allowing me to drag in a much-needed inhale. I didn’t even register when he stood up and made his way to me.
He pulls back and cradles my face in his palm. There’s clarity sparkling in his eyes, which is either really good for me or really not. I’m trying to be optimistic, though. “My sweet Chaos.” His thumb strokes along my cheekbone, making me want to nuzzle into his hold. “Leave it to you to create the moment I’ve been waiting for. I love you too, Easton. I have for a long fucking time.”
