I flinch when Chase speaks, both because I wasn’t expecting it and I’m preparing for more hurtful honesty. “This choice is mine and mine alone. No one else should suffer for the evil I brought into our lives.He won’t let me go this time, baby, and I’m not strong enough to keep getting back up again.” The echo of my words parroted back to me hits like a cargo train. That fucking letter. I’d completely forgotten about it. “But hey, at least I’d have an explanation to go with the body,” he laments, tossing the folded paper to my brother.
“What is this?” Brady demands without so much as even looking at it, despite the white knuckle grip he has. “Tell me you didn’t write a fucking suicide note! You planned this out? Did you plan your funeral too or was I supposed to do that part?”
My fingers dig into the thin cotton separating them from my skin, digging my nails in for even just a little pain to ground me.“I’m glad you know what I should have done, but it’s a lot easier to say when it’s not happening to you. Believe me, I thought so, too, back before it was the only thing I knew. You want to know what it was really like? Why I had to kill myself to escape?” When both sets of eyes are on me, I continue. The humiliation and agony be damned. If this is what it takes… “It started by making sure I relied on him for everything. So subtly I didn’t even notice, and he took control of every single aspect of my life. Nothing was mine—not our friends, not the money, not the roof over my head. It was all because of him. Then when I was in the palm of his hand, he turned up the heat. Started letting the mask slip and then smother me with love. It kept me confused. He never let me sleep through the night, so I was always exhausted. More easily manipulated when I couldn’t think straight. Then he started getting really ugly. He beat me. Broke my bones, bruised me, made me bleed. Then he raped me. Didn’t matter if I cried or begged or told him it hurt. Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in clothes just so it’d be easier for him to force himself on me. And when my body started breaking down from the years of mistreatment, he switched up the story and accused me of being on drugs so I felt even more insane. When he showed up at Chase’s house, he swore he’d hurt both of you if I didn’t comply. That may not sound that bad to you. You don’t know him, after all. But I do. He’s a fucking monster. To me, he’s ten feet tall and unstoppable. All I wanted was to keep him away from you and Chase. He had a gun with him that day. If I ran from him again, anyone that he even thought helped me would be in danger. There was no fucking way out; the only thing I could do was die with a little bit of dignity. Choose it instead of letting him beat me to death. Is that enough for you, Brady? Were my actions justified enough for you?”
My body crumples in on itself, too raw and too vulnerable to face this any longer. It takes everything in me not to drown in thehorrors of reliving this again. It stays with me always, ready to sweep me away like a riptide. But telling the two most important people in my life the gory details is far worse than anything my own brain can do to me.
I’m on the verge of hyperventilating, trying like hell to stay in control but always falling just short; never managing to do the right thing to make this stop.
The bed dips once, then twice before there’s two warm hands on me. One on my shoulder and the other in the middle of my back. “I’m sorry, Eas. I really am. I was so far out of line.”
Chase is quiet, but at least he’s still here. Hefeelscloser, not physically, but like the wall between us isn’t quite as tall as it was before. The familiar, comforting motion of his hand settles me enough to speak. “You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”
He makes a pained noise. “Yeah, but it wasn’t nice, either. The truth is, I have no idea how to come to terms with this. Nothing has ever scared me like facing the very real possibility of losing you.”
I bring my knees to my chest, propping my head on my knees so I can look at him. “I’m here now, though.”
“Yeah. I’m trying to remind myself of that.”
Chase shifts away, but I turn to stop him. He’s so gorgeous, even now. It’s clear he hasn’t been sleeping much, like everyone else. It looks like he didn’t shave this morning, but I like the bit of stubble. But those eyes; those will always be my favorite thing about him. Even when he’s sad, they always light up for me. It’s like getting three straight dollar signs on a slot machine. I could weep with gratitude, seeing that I still have that effect on him after all this bullshit we’ve been caught up in.
“What about you? I know you’re having a hard time too.”
His sigh is telling. Even if words fail us, Chase and I will always have this. The way we’re so in tune with each other that we can—hopefully, always—find our way back to where we cantalk without words. We balance each other out. “The note was pretty eye-opening. I wasn’t expecting it. But there was a lot of insight here that helped a bit. It’s not your fault, sweetheart. It’s just been weird trying to understand it and not knowing what to do for you.”
That’s not the same thing as him saying he doesn’t want me anymore. I can work with that, I think. Probably.
“Did you read the whole thing?”
Chase nods before falling backwards on the bed with a huff. “It was hard to stop once I started.”
Brady and I go like dominoes so we’re all staring at the ceiling, hoping it’ll spell out the answers for us that none of us know how to find on our own. Where do we go from here? How, when Aaron is still out there somewhere and likely looking for me? Will we ever feel normal again?
“At least things can’t get a lot worse from here,” I offer.
My brother laughs humorlessly. “Don’t say that. The universe might be listening and take it as a challenge.”
Good point.
Chase raps his knuckles against the wooden headboard just to be safe. “Are we ignoring that it’s cute as hell that your first memory is the day Easton was born? I feel like we glossed over that.”
Also a good point.“Yeah, I didn’t know that. What do you remember about it?”
“Everything.” Even without looking at him, I can tell he’s smiling. “Dad called Grammy to come watch me, but she had the flu and they didn’t want to risk the new baby getting sick. So there wasn’t much of a choice but for all three of us to go to the hospital. Luckily, Mom was friends with a nurse that worked there at the time and she was able to keep me occupied during the actual delivery. Dad told me not to be scared, because it was about to be the best day of my life, and I believed him. Mom kepttelling me she was okay, but giving me a little brother was hard work so not to worry if she screamed a bunch. I was so excited. They set me up in a chair in the corner with a Game Boy, well above Mom’s head, so it’s not like I saw anything graphic. Then I left and had enough time to watch an episode of cartoons in the waiting room. When I came back, you were there, and you were all cleaned up already. When they handed you to me, I was hooked immediately. You grabbed my finger with your little, wrinkly hand, and I knew exactly what Dad meant about it being the best day of my life.”
I wipe my tears on my sleeve for the umpteenth time since this conversation started, cheeks aching from the grin I can’t seem to let go of. “Jeez, Brady. How long have you been waiting for the perfect time to tell that story?”
Chase laughs, triggering me and Brady to as well. “It’s the fucking monologuing super powers, once again. The bane of my existence.”
Brady yelps. “Rude! You love it, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.”
“Whatever you need to believe, Bray.”
“He’s always been like this. I swear he keeps speeches in his back pocket so he can pull them out whenever he needs one.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He nudges me with his arm. “What about you? What’s your first memory?”
After a few seconds of thinking about it, it comes to me. “The beach. You were teaching me how to hunt for seashells and we were putting the good ones in a little blue bucket to take home so Mom could put them in her garden. When the waves would come up, I’d laugh and laugh and you’d grab my wrist so it wouldn’t pull me away. Think they’re still in the backyard somewhere?”
