But it found me anyway. Snatched me from a lonely life where heartbreak was noticeably absent and threw me headfirst into the man I’d been too scared to dream of.
I don’t make it two sentences before the stinging in my eyes becomes unbearable. His agony is palpable. My sweet Chaos has suffered more in his few years on this planet than most people would in ten lifetimes. It’s all poured out on these pages. Him trying to give me closure at the lowest point of his life, like the empathetic, unendingly kind person he is. If he hadn’t pulled through at the hospital, this would be all I had left of him, and he clearly wasn’t planning on having another day with me.
I cradle his last words as carefully as I have every other delicate moment we’ve shared. I try to put my selfishness to the side and be grateful that he cared enough to give me this, then am exponentially more grateful that it wasn’t needed in the end.
My heart shatters when I come across his request to give Brady his own letter and to take care of him after Easton is gone. To be there for each other now more than ever. He closes by delivering a brutal line:Don’t let this be the last time you fall for someone, my love. I’d know better than anyone, so please know how special it is to be yours. You deserve forever with someone who sees how wonderful you are. I wish that person could have been me, but every beat of my heart has belonged to you, Chase. Until the very last one, and whatever comes next, I’ll be yours.
“I don’t know how to get through this, baby,” I say into the emptiness.
CHAPTER 10
EASTON
Something changed with Chase last night. Not that I could possibly say for sure what it was, but he and my brother have both been looking at me funny all day. Almost like they’re reaching a boiling point, but not in the angry way that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up waiting for the inevitable explosion. But like cracks, spider-webbing further and further along a pane of glass until it shatters.
Maybe I’m getting stir-crazy because I’m kind of over it. I’d rather have the most uncomfortable conversation of my life than live another five minutes feeling like a pathetic-looking zoo animal.
“You could have warned me that using my own words for things would sound like a jumbled up kid’s book in my head,” I tell Blakely.
She giggles, but doesn’t look up from whatever terrible thing is on her screen. I’ve been hanging around her enough to notice how she acts when something is particularly disturbing, and today has not been kind to her in the digital world. I don’t even want to think about what it could be. Ignorance is bliss, after all, and I have other things to worry about.
“Welcome to breaking generational cycles. It’s the worst thing you’ll ever do until you get used to it. I’ve heard rumors that it gets easier, though I’m not sure I can personally confirm that or not.”
Hear, hear.“And on that note, I’m about to either put this weirdness to bed once and for all, or make it severely worse.”
That gets her full attention. “Better you than me, no offense. But do please come back and tell me all about it.”
My knee starts shaking restlessly as I eye the door. “It’s gotta end. Nothing will ever get better until this is behind us.”
“You can do it, lovebug. The only way out is through. And I’ll be right here after it’s done.” My heart gives a few heavy thumps as my throat starts to burn. Thankfully, she nods in understanding instead of expecting me to try and verbalize my gratitude. “Go,” is her gentle command. It makes me get to my feet, the determination pushing me further.
I find Brady first; he’s the easier of the two. Like usual, lately at least, he’s holed up with a controller in his hands, leaning against the headboard in his room “Hey, can we talk?” I ask when he notices me lingering in the doorway like I’m haunting the place.
He nods. “Yeah, okay. Sure.”
I motion for him to follow me, silently thanking the universe for making one aspect of this easy on me as he does so without question. Chase is next. He also doesn’t put up much of a fight, probably because it’s both of us together and we surprised him. When the three of us are behind the closed door of my room, my nerves really start flaring up. They take a seat in the two chairs by the big window, and I choose my bed, burying my hands in the pocket of my hoodie to hide the shaking.
The only way out is through, I remind myself. “Look, obviously ignoring this isn’t helping. So why don’t we just bring it all out in the open?” The words feel foreign on my tongue andtaste like ash. “I tried to kill myself. Obviously, that would have an effect on you. I’m not unaware of that. Ask what you want to ask, say what you want to say about it, but things can’t keep going like this. It’s too fucking hard.”
Unsurprisingly, no one wants to talk first. Chase won’t look at me, his gaze locked somewhere on the wall behind me. Brady is busy chewing on his lip. Hopefully, somewhere in the swamp, my mother has developed a sudden inexplicable itch she can’t scratch. She hated when he would do that, probably the only time he ever fell short of being her perfect son. I’m willing to wait this out; eventually, they’ll crack. I have to believe that. If they do, then there’s hope. Maybe I can have my brother back. Maybe my boyfriend can forgive me.
Maybe my life isn’t completely ruined. Not yet, anyway.
Hope is draining the longer that it takes, though. But I stay firm, no matter how desperately panic tries to take hold. If nothing else, they’re going to have to give up on me to my face. Look me in the eye and say this was the breaking point and there’s no coming back. Brady could forgive me for my transgressions against him, but are the ones I commit against myself too much for him?
Chase never blinked in the face of my messed-up past before, but was that only because he thought the worst of it was over?
Not looking away from them is such an effort that my teeth grind. But at long last, my efforts are rewarded. Brady takes a steadying breath before saying, “I remember the first day of your life. Did you know that? My first memory of my own life is the day yours began.”
My lip wobbles, but I make sure my voice is as steady as possible. “Why are you telling me this?” If it’s to hurt me, it’s working.
“Because, Easton. You can’t ask me to see the end of your life too.” I touch my chest, just above my heart, just to remindmyself that the knife twisting around in there isn’t real and this probably won’t kill me. “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I already lived my time without you, and I can’t remember a second of it, which is exactly how I prefer it. That’s how this goes. I wait for the squishy pink alien, who I love so much it scares me, to be old enough to be my friend. I protect you so that no one dulls the way you shine. I willingly walk away from Mom and Dad even without a full understanding of what’s going on, but I go where you go. Always. And in exchange, I’ve already lived my last day without you. You broke the rules. You tried to go somewhere I couldn’t follow you.”
The dam breaks, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. You have to know that.”
It wasn’t to hurt me, it’s because I hurt him…
Brady leans forward, arms braced on his knees and more pain written on his face than I can begin to sort through. “Why, Easton? Why didn’t you run or flag a car down? Have someone call the cops for you. Why was that the way out?”
