“Yes.” I hold my breath.
“No, I’m not suicidal. I’m just…”
“Just what? Talk to me, Jos,” I plead.
“Empty.” She tips her head up, and I watch as the column of her throat bobs. “I’m not saying that because I want you to feel bad for me and I certainly don’t need you to stick around to make me feel better. I just don’t know how to not feel, but it is what it is. You should probably leave now. Trust me, you’ll end up hating yourself if you don’t.”
Given the circumstances, I don’t know how to tell her that ever since I saw her again, it feels like a switch has been flipped up. I don’t know how to express that or how to begin to explain to her what that even means because I don’t understand it.
“Give me until the end of the semester.”
She looks up at me, cocking her head to the side, staring at me, confused. “What?”
“Give me until the end of the semester to help you fill that emptiness. If it doesn’t work, I’ll leave you alone if you want to be alone that badly, but until then, let me help you.”
She laughs humorlessly. “You don’t know how to give up, do you?”
“What can I say? My middle name isJesus.” I chuckle, hoping it masks the hollowness behind it. “Let me try.”
“You’ll regret it,” she announces, already defeated.
Did she somehow get closer, or did I? I only scooted an inch, or was it more?
Why am I even focusing on that?
“That’s not going to happen. I promise.” And I mean that.
“We’ll see…”
I don’t know who gave up on her, but I know I won’t.
13
JOSEFINE
“I really don’t wantto hear that.” Pen scrunches her nose, lips curling in disgust.
“I’m sorry but I’m just stating facts. Your brother is fine.” Vi looks at me from the mirror as she washes her hands as if she were asking me to back her up.
Pen also looks at me from the toilet, where she’s currently sitting. I had no idea we were at that level of comfort, but they’re also very tipsy, borderline drunk, so I don’t think they really care.
I’m leaned against the wall, attempting to maintain my balance. When I was with Daniel, I lost track of time and forgot the girls were still inside. They found me and dragged me back inside. They grilled me with questions on why I left, how I ended up with Daniel, and gave me a new cup that they kept refilling.
I didn’t really tell them anything because the last thing I want is for them to pity me. I’m the idiot who decided to give Bryson a shot despite the million warnings in my head and gut not to do so.
I just told them I got hot and bumped into Daniel as I was going outside.
Shrugging, I glance down and blink a few times as my vision doubles. “I mean…Vi isn’t wrong.”
I leave it at that because I don’t want to tell Pen what I really think about her brother. And I’m certain I’m bordering on drunk. If I open my mouth, I’m afraid I’ll say something like it took everything in me not to glance at his abs when I was with him, or that he has a nice smile, or that he has hair I’d like to run my hands through.
As quick as the thoughts come, I squash them down. My inhibitions are limited and I really don’t want to do something stupid like admit out loud that Daniel is hot.
The flush of the toilet and Pen’s loud groan has me lifting my head, and I notice that they’re both looking at me.Did I say that out loud?
Vienna lazily smirks, her glazed eyes idly shifting from Pen back to me. “You think Daniel’s hot? Do you like him?” she drunkenly singsongs as she stands next to me.
I shake my head, but regret it as everything spins. “No, he’s just…ugh, it doesn’t matter. Stop looking at me like that. I promise I’m not into your brother,” I say to Pen. “He’s nice and overly insistent but we’re…I don’t know…getting along. We have a class together and we’re paired together because of that class and?—”
