Maybe she wantsto purposely stay in the shadows because she thinks that’s where she belongs, but that would never work for her because I see her.
I can’t point out one singular thing that stands out because there isn’t just one—it’s her whole. She is light, a blinding color that’s hard to ignore. Like a lighthouse guiding you home.
She’s complex in her own way, but that doesn’t make her any less deserving. She doesn’t smile, but that doesn’t mean she never has. Her eyes don’t spark with life, but I’m sure they once did.
Maybe she thinks she’s broken and not worth fixing, or maybe I’m just projecting because that’s how I feel.
Broken…lost…empty.
I hide behind smiles and being the life of a party, but I’m nothing but a big fucking fraud.
I wish I would’ve died that night. Or all the other times.
No you don’t,a voice in my head counters.
“You’re quiet.” Her soft voice pulls me out of my head, shocking me.
I let the smile easily slip on my face. “Miss my voice already?”
The light behind me helps cast a glow around her face and body, allowing me to see the tiny furrow of her brows. “No, you’re just…unnaturally quiet. That normally doesn’t happen.”
“Aren’t you observant,” I tease or at least I attempt to, but I think I do a shit job because her brows soften like she’s figured something out, but then her face becomes impassive. Clearing my throat, I draw the focus to something else. Something that’s actually important. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What did you mean by, before the cliff I didn’t know who you were but you knew me?”
Ever since she told me, it’s been eating at me.
“It’s really not a big deal. Just forget about it. It happened a while ago anyway.” She tucks a tendril of her wavy hair behind her ear.
“It is to me because I’ve been trying to figure out what I did to piss you off more than I already do.” This time, I genuinely smile and when I see the faintest jerk of her lips, I can’t help but feel like I won something. “Come on, Jos, tell me.”
“You drove me home one night.”
I try to recall that moment, but I’m drawing a blank and she must realize that because she sighs.
“It was about a year and two months ago.” She leans against the fence, her gaze focused on the people jumping in the pool. “I’d been drinking that night and Bryson was drunk, so you offered to take me home. You said something about being the DD that night. You spent the entire ride talking about cassette tapes, vinyls, and your favorite artists.”
I’m instantly teleported to that night and how I assigned myself the DD. It was Gray’s job since he was a freshman. We usually have freshmen or transfers as DDs. But even though I was a sophomore and it wasn’t my responsibility, I needed to get out of the house.
“It’s really stupid to have gotten mad. The interaction was small. I didn’t even speak to you.”
“It’s not stupid.” I also lean against the fence, still making sure I maintain my distance. “And if it makes you feel better, I wasn’t supposed to be the DD. I just needed to get out of the house. My girl—ex-girlfriend,” I quickly correct myself. I don’t know why I emphasizeex,but I do. “She had once again accused me of cheating and we got into an argument. It got bad and I knew if I didn’t leave, she’d continue arguing with me.”
And now thinking about it, I wonder if she knows my ex slept with her ex? I want to ask but I don’t, afraid I’ll ruin the mood.
“Well, did you?” Her question isn’t accusatory but curious.
I can’t help my chuckle because something tells me she doesn’t know. God, how fucked up is this?
“No. I’ll have you know, I’m very and I meanveryloyal despite what anyone says. I don’t remember that night or you because I couldn’t stop thinking about the argument and how it spiraled out of control. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I felt guilty and relieved that I didn’t have to deal with her anymore. I couldn’t stop thinking about how shitty of a boyfriend I was because I chose to drive a girl I didn’t know, over a girl who’d been my girlfriend for a year. I know you probably think I’m stupid for?—”
“I don’t,” she talks over me. “I don’t think anything at all. Actually, I’m not in the place to make assumptions. My last and only relationship had been a total shitshow all because I had bad judgment, so who am I to judge you for what you did?”
“Last and only?” I cringe, wishing I could take that back because I hadn’t intended to say that out loud. I shouldn’t have drunk tonight.
She sardonically laughs, slouches down to the ground, and glances up at me. “You really don’t need to be here. I’m good alone.”
