He swallows hard. “It’s really fucked up in there, Josie. It’s dark enough, I’m consumed in thoughts of also wishing for silence. I haven’t in a while though, but that’s as dark as it’s gotten. There’s this pitch-black fog that sometimes comes when I think about my future. And sometimes, it just comes because I don’t feel like I deserve good things. Like I don’t deserve you.”
I don’t stop stroking his cheek. “If you let me in, I’ll hold a flashlight, and we’ll find a way out together.”
His eyes light up. “You’ll do that for me?”
“I’ll do it for the rest of our lives.” I smile at him, and he feebly smiles back. “As I continue to remind you that you deserve all the good things.”
He squeezes his eyes tight as they mist over, and he shakes his head as if he were trying to stop himself from crying.
“Let yourself feel.” I brush my lips against his and softly peck them.
Daniel smiles against mine, gently kissing me. After a moment, I climb off him and we lie back. I lay my head on top of his chest, hearing his heart beat a little wildly.
“The guilt has always been there, but it felt heavier when I did certain things that revolved around Adrian. Those days that felt too much, I’d think about the most painful way I could die because I felt that was what I deserved. But then someone would need me for whatever reason and I couldn’t go through with it.” He grows quiet, drumming his fingers on his thigh. “And then I’d hate myself because I felt guilty for not being able to go through with it, but I’d also be mad because my family and friends needed me and I was thinking of dying. It was a dark cycle I couldn’t get out of. So I smiled because it was the only thing I thought I could do, the only thing I felt I was good at, the onlything I knew I couldn’t fuck up. You can’t hurt anyone if you’re smiling.” He releases a pained sigh. “And then you happened…”
The drumming stops, and his erratic heartbeats become steady.
“The guilt was there; it never left, but I felt it less. One moment, I was reliving a memory with Adrian and a second later, I was thinking of you. A dark cloud would loom as I thought about him—the desire to suffocate was so fucking real some days…” His voice is hoarse, but he clears his throat and I weave my fingers through his, squeezing his hand. “But then it faded away when I thought about your smile and your brown eyes. Some days I just wanted to…” He inhales sharply. “Shoot myself because I felt so much and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t know how to not feel the hole in my chest. I didn’t know how to continue existing when he didn’t but then…” He swallows. “I’d think about all the things we’ve done.”
We haven’t done much, I want to say, because we really haven’t. There are moments we’ve shared, and they’re special to me, extraordinary even, but I’m not sure they’d be consideredthemoments that make life special.
I’m mad at myself. Why didn’t I do more?
“You did more than enough,” he says as if he could hear my internal turmoil. “Because those moments we shared are the essence of my existence.” He shifts on his side and cups my cheek, staring down at me. “Those moments made me feel me again and are the reason why I looked forward to every day as long as it meant I got to make more with you.”
My heart expands, and my eyes well with tears. “I look forward to every day with you too.”
Agony floods his face. “Don’t cry, please. I don’t like seeing you sad.”
“I’m okay. I promise I’m not sad; I just feel so much for you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express it the way that you do. ButI’ll try to do my best to show you, to be here, to make sure you know thatI see you. I want every version of you and nothing, and I mean literally nothing, will ever change how I feel about you. I’m not going anywhere. I promise you I’m not.”
“I’m so in love with you.” He tips his head up and kisses my forehead.
“I love you.” I smile.
“Do you think we can pause for a little? This is a lot, and I just need a break from it.”
I nod because I feel that way too.
“You don’t have to ask. We can do whatever you want.” I get up, grabbing the portable CD player and the little box from one of the boxes and lie next to him, snuggling into the crook of his arm.
“No, you didn’t!” He laughs disbelievingly at the brand-new earbuds I bought. I meant to give them to him, but I never got the chance.
“I never finished listening to the CD you gave me and your earbuds are shit. No offense.”
“A lot taken.” He pinches my side.
My cheek twitches. “Don’t worry, the old earbuds are tucked safely away.”
I hand him one and I place the other in my ear. Then I turn on the CD player. The beat of the song playing filters through the little buds, but once I hear the lyrics of “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer, I lose it.
“I love this song, don’t you?” Daniel keeps a straight face, but I know he’s trying not to laugh. “The lyrics are just so…exhilarating, huh?”
I laugh. “Exhilarating?”
“And…” He presses his lips together. “Stimulating.”
We both laugh, and while he sings, I hum along because I don’t know the words.
