My muscles are frozen. I struggle to lift my hand to knock on the door. But once I do, my body uncomfortably prickles and I break out into a sweat.
It took me two days to build up the courage to come to Daniel’s house. It shouldn’t have been hard to make that decision, but there was an infestation of trepidation swarming my body.
The overconsuming negative questions took over my brain, preventing me from thinking straight. It wasn’t until Vienna forced me out the house and into her car, that I had no choice but to come see him.
Since she found me in Mom’s office, she’s been staying over. I didn’t want her to, but she didn’t really give me a choice. She hasn’t been overbearing; she’s just been there, and I appreciate that more than she’ll ever understand.
I look over my shoulder, peering through the window of her car. She gives me a thumbs-up and flashes me an encouraging smile.
The team will be gone for an away series this weekend. Angel said if I wanted to come, it should be now because they leave in a few hours and won’t be back until Monday.
I’m both dreading and excited to see Daniel. I keep trying to think of what I should and shouldn’t say, but every thought in my head is a jumbled, anxious mess.
Everything comes to an abrupt stop when the door swings open. My heart feels like it’s in my throat, and my stomach tangles into nervous knots.
“Josie, hey?” Kai’s brows shoot up but then they furrow. “You’re not here to see Danny, are you?”
I stand straighter, fighting the urge to walk away. “Yeah, I am.”
He winces. “He’s not here. He actually just left.”
“Oh…where is he? I really need to talk to him.”
Angel stands next to him, smiling at me apologetically. “Hey, did you not see my message?”
“No, my phone died. I didn’t have time to charge it.” I hadn’t planned to come now. Vienna literally pushed me out the house. I barely got my shoes on.
“Is that Vi?” Kai looks over my head.
“Yeah.”
“I’ll give you two a moment.” He walks around and past me. “It’s good to see you, Josie.”
The sincerity in his voice shocks me, although it shouldn’t; Kai’s always been nice.
“I, uh, I know I should’ve come sooner, but…I’m here now and I really need to talk to him. I promise I’m not going to walk away.”
A pained sigh leaves his lips. “He went back home.”
“Back home?”
“His parents showed up a few hours ago. He wasn’t doing good?—”
“What do you mean he wasn’t doing good?”
“Come in.” He opens the door wider and motions for me to come inside.
I stand in the middle of the living room, staring at the full duffles laying on the couch. He goes to move them, but I stop him. “Don’t worry about it. What did you mean he wasn’t doing good?”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel obligated and I didn’t want to guilt trip you into coming. But he had two panic attacks and didn’t want to get out of bed. Since the beginning of this month, he’s been on a leave of absence.”
My lungs shrivel up, and I stare at him, unblinking. “What?” I shake my head thinking back to what Professor Carleson said:baseball commitments. “But he’s not been in class because of baseball.”
“They’re not disclosing what’s going on to give him privacy. He’s going through a lot, and the media is shit. People will use what he’s going through to taunt him. I’m sure you know as an athlete how brutal people are.”
“He wouldn’t get out of bed?” My eyes water, and I struggle to breathe.
I should’ve done more. I should’ve been here for him like he was for me.
