“I may have missed the signs, but he was different with you. Call it love or whatever people in relationships feel, but he just looked lighter with you.”
I scoff incredulously. “Lighter?”
“Yeah, you had him giggling in the locker room. You don’t strike me as a funny person.”
“Hey.” I’m taken aback.
“Did I lie?”
“Well, no, but I could be funny.”
“Right,” he sardonically muses.
“Is this your way of making me feel better? Because you’re doing a really shitty job at it.”
“My bad. Let me tell you, Danny was…isFeral. Obsessed. A little unhinged when it comes to you. Never seen him like that.” He flashes me a haughty grin.
My stomach flutters. “What’s your point with all of this?”
“I just want you to know that I get it. You struggle with your emotions or whatever, but if you think about it, we’re all a little fucked up.”
“Is this your way of making me feel better?” I ask again.
“Yes, no. I knew I should’ve brought Kai with me. He’s good at this stuff.” He ponders over it, like he’s regretting not having brought him. “I’m trying to be inspiring.”
“Inspiring?”
“That’s probably not the word.” He scratches the back of his head. “Oh, fuck it. Look, I’m not good with these kinds of things. I’m so out of my depth here if I’m being honest with you. I don’t know anything about relationships, but I do know my best friend. I know Daniel enough to know that whatever he feels for you isn’t fake or something he felt he needed to feel to make you happy or better. I get what he said was shitty, but he was drunk, and you were there. I can’t make sense of it, and I’m not going to try either because it’s a little confusing for me. I just know Danny would do anything for you. You could kill someone and he wouldn’t question it; he’d probably grab a shovel. That’s the kind of bullshit he’d do for you.”
My lips slightly curl upward as I think about the night he came with me to slash Bryson’s tires.
He pushes off the wall and grips the sectional. “I get why you’re put off by me. I mean, I randomly showed up and broke your window, which I intend to fix, by the way. I know before this, we didn’t really speak. I should’ve made an effort, but I never knew how. What the hell would we even talk about? But then I thought about Danny, how he’s so extroverted and somehow finds a way to make conversation. I bet he could somehow make the wall talk. I don’t know how, but he would find a way.”
A laugh tickles my throat, but I swallow it back. “Yeah, he would.”
“What I’m trying to say with all of this is that I get it. You’re emotionally fucked, but aren’t we all? I know you feel guilty and think that you could’ve done more for him, but you did what you could, and I can guarantee it was enough for him.” He pins me with a look of empathy. “Don’t take this out on yourself or him. You don’t need that, and neither does he. Maybe sleep on it, think about it, I don’t know. Do what you gotta do, but don’t give up on him.”
The desperation in his voice chokes me, making it hard to speak.
“And also, I’m here too. As you can see, I’m not good with motivational speeches or heartwarming words of affirmation, but if you need to talk, I’m here. I’m good at listening. Or if you want to break shit, there’s a rage room not too far from here. I could take you to it if you want. I can swim, but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with you. I’m not opposed to painting my nails if you’re into that kind of thing. Or getting piercings, I don’t mind those. But I won’t wax my body, so don’t even think about it. And I draw the line at watching rom-coms. I’ve tried but I just can’t.”
I try to stop it but a laugh bubbles out of me. He smiles at that. “Why are you being so nice to me?”
He stares at me for a beat. “Because someone has to be. You won’t; you’re too hard on yourself.”
“You sound like him.” The words leave my mouth in a hushed whisper.
“I learned a lot from him.”
“How’s he doing?” My heart races and my palms sweat.
There’s a distant look in his eyes. “Uh, not good, but I don’t want you to think I’m here because I want you to go see him. Don’t show up because you feel like you need to. Don’t do that to him. Show up because you really want to. Show up only if you know you’re not going to walk away.”
“What if I show up and you’re wrong? What if he realizes I’m not what he wants?” My insecurities eat me alive, and voicing this out loud paralyzes me with fear.
“I guess the only way to find out is to show up.”
April 17th
