Thankfully as I expect Drew shakes his head. “Never. Clare would have my balls, but I won’t apologize. Every decision I’ve made helped us pay bills or have food to eat.”
“But you realize you’re endangering them? Just by your connections?”
The waitress walks up the table with a glass of ice water, placing it in front of Drew and eyeing the two full ones in front of Hudson and me. “You guys plan to order anything?”
Drew smiles quickly, pulling ten dollars out of his coat pocket and passing it to the waitress. “I don’t think so, but here’s something for the table.”
The pissy expression the waitress walked up with drops and she even smiles at Drew when she walks away. When he turns back, the conversation is serious again. I didn’t realize during the quick exchange with the waitress how my nerves had relaxed until they’re up the full force again.
“I’m not stupid. Every day in the house with Clare I worry what will happen to her. I’m glad she met Grant. She deserves better than what she’s had in the past and what I can give her in the future.”
The way he says it, almost sad, it makes me question how happy Drew is that Clare found someone else.
Hudson doesn’t make the connection. His next question is as harsh as the first, “So why haven’t you left?”
“I’ve looked for an excuse to get out for a while now.” Drew unwraps his straw and drops it in the glass of water without taking a sip. “Grant is looking to buy a house close to Finn and Trey. They keep talking about how the place has an apartment next to it I could move into, but I can’t. But if making them believe I’ll move in helps them buy it, I’ll play along until the time comes.”
“So, they buy a house with a room especially for you and then you plan to ditch them? That’s a little unbelievable,” Hudson says again way too harsh for someone who doesn’t realize the man sitting across from him is heartbroken.
“Listen, my life is taking me in another direction. One that doesn’t allow me to keep the same circle of friends. Grant buys the house and moves in and then I’ll tell Clare I found someplace cheaper. Moving in with a friend from work.”
“She’ll be heartbroken,” I bust in without thinking.
Drew fidgets in his seat, reminding me she’s not the only one. “It’s the safest thing for everyone. It was a blessing and a curse, but it’s the right choice. Grant makes Clare happy, and he keeps her safe — two things I’ve never done very well.”
My heart breaks for Drew and I want to reach across the table and grab his hands, but I’ve never been one to be too touchy-feely and I don’t think Hudson would appreciate it either.
“Anyway,” Drew says obviously finished with the conversation. “I understand you have to do what you have to do, but thanks Amanda for keeping my secret for as long as you did. It was great to get to spend one more holiday with everyone.”
“I’m not going to turn you in, Drew. I promise.” Hudson casts hard eyes at me because I wasn’t supposed to say that, but I don’t care. There’s no way I’d turn Drew in to the police. This is why I tried so hard to keep his secret. I swallow and my throat chokes, tears well up in the corners my eyes and my lips twitch ready to cry. I didn’t know him for long, but realizing he won’t be around much longer is one of the saddest realizations I’ve experienced in San Francisco. Drew’s like a brother to Clare and losing him is almost a death. The death of a beloved friend you didn’t get the chance to love.
There’s also a small part of me that’s selfish as well. Because when Drew leaves, Clare won’t get why. She’ll never understand what happened and I will. Yet there’s no way I can tell her. This is a secret I’ll have to keep forever. It’s never going to go away and knowing Drew is out there in the city somewhere, by himself, without his best friends and the group of new friends he’s made over the last year will be difficult. I’ll go to bed every night knowing our group isn’t whole. Worse than death because there will never be any closure. We’re left with a big gaping hole where Drew should be.
I wipe a tear and sniffle, doing my best to pretend I’m not crying when it’s so obvious I am. When my eyes meet Drew again across the table, his are wet on the edges. My heart beats hard, but at a slower pace, sadness affecting every part of my being. Goodbye, Drew.
This is it. This is our final goodbye. We may see each other again once or twice, but we’ll have to act as if none of this ever happened. And then afterward he’ll be gone. There won’t be a goodbye celebration to wish him well. No, he’ll float away in the middle of the night. Like a best friend from high school after you both moved on to college. You may talk once or twice, but the periods in between grow and before you know it it’s been years since you’ve last seen each other. There are memories, but the memories of the lost ones will be as sad if not sadder than the happy times. The only thing left will be the wonder over what could have been.
“Drew,” I say right before he slips out of the booth.
He stands at the edge and musters a smile before he replies, “Don’t worry about me, Amanda. I still have a story to tell.”
“I’ll see you around,” I promise when his back turns to leave.
He doesn’t turn around, but whispers. “No, you won’t,” as he walks away.
22
“Are you sure you won’t walk in there and start crying?” Hudson asks as we stop in front of Cosmo’s Comics and Café.
I take a deep breath and check myself before I answer because frankly he’s probably right to be worried. It’s been two days since we met with Drew at the restaurant in Oakland and I spent most of that night crying. I haven’t talked to anyone since then. More than likely they think I’ve been taking this time to apologize to Hudson. He promises he’s forgiven and forgotten and even understands why it took so long.
Hudson spent the last few days consoling me as I came to terms with finally admitting what happened that night and saying goodbye to Drew if only in my own mind. He’s been perfect. He didn’t push or yell at me to do it faster or tell me I was being ridiculous. He listened and held me when I needed him. I couldn’t ask for a better man.
Hudson is everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. Sensitive enough to figure out when I’m hurting, but strong enough to tell me the truth even when I don’t want to hear it. It was enough evidence to show me someone is worth uprooting my life for and moving to Maine. But I can’t leave now. Clare’s losing Drew soon and will be hurting. I don’t know if I can be the second person to leave our tightly knit circle so close. It’s unfair to ask all of us to make so many changes.
But the burden isn’t so heavy when there’s two of us carrying it.
There’s also the fact Hudson hasn’t asked me to move with in him to Pelican Bay. That’s an important piece of the puzzle.
