“Would you shut up already?” He’s the most infuriating man on the planet. “You don’t understand what’s going on with us right now.”
“Damn straight!” He hits a closed fist on the edge of the couch. “Because you won’t tell me. I might not be worth as much money as your friends. I might not be as hoity-toity as people in San Francisco, but I’m good at my job. I can protect you, but not if you won’t tell me what’s going on. I’m sick of being in the dark.”
Did he call me hoity-toity? How did I not realize he thought so little of me? “I want everyone to be happy. Why is that a bad thing?”
Hudson looks to the ceiling. “And I want everyone in Africa to have clean water, but they can’t have that either, Amanda. It’s time for you to accept it. Put on a pair of big girl panties and get your fucking head out of the sand.”
My breath hitches and for the first time I’m angrier than I am sad. “Don’t be an asshole.”
“This is real life, Amanda. You are going to get your ass killed if you don’t wake up and realize what is happening around you. You and your friends.”
Hudson acts like he has more to say, but when the tears start falling in earnest, he shakes his head in anger and turns to the bathroom.
Is he right? Is it possible my indecision and waiting will cause someone else to get hurt?
We haven’t talkedin two hours. Hudson and I have sat quietly in my tiny living room doing the best we can to avoid and ignore one another. It should be an introvert’s dream. The apartment is quiet.
Too quiet.
For the first time in my life, I want someone to get up in my space and talk to me. Hell, we could talk about something stupid like the weather. If we think the Giants will make it to the World Series this year.
But Hudson hasn’t done any of that. He spent the last hour and a half pounding away on the keys of a tiny laptop he brought with him. If I wasn’t so angry and sad, it would almost be comical. His big tough calloused fingers must cover at least the entire keyboard. I have no idea how he’s using them to type on the itty-bitty keys.
I figure as long as he’s able to ignore me, I can ignore him as well, which I have done wholeheartedly. Once I set my mind to something, my determination is unending. But it doesn’t mean I’m not heartbroken.
And I still don’t know what to do. Sure, the answer seems obvious. Tell the fucking truth. Isn’t that what they teach everyone in elementary school?
The truth will set you free and all that.
But here’s the thing. The truth won’t set everyone free. The truth will get someone in trouble. And that trouble will be a shockwave through our entire circle. If there’s even a friend circle left afterward.
Hudson is amazing and there’s nothing I want more than to get a chance to spend time with him. I’ve had boyfriends in the past, but never a connection with someone like the two of us have. If I haven’t already messed it up beyond repair.
Hudson stops typing long enough to rub a finger on the side of his temple and then his keystrokes pick up again. He’s been going at it for so long and hard I wonder if he’s writing a novel over there.
My heart — or at least the part of my brain that considers itself my heart — begs me to choose Hudson. To tell the truth and let the cards fall where they may. I mean let’s be real. I’m not the one involved in illegal activities. Why should I be the one to have to pay for those who are? It’s not fair.
But as my mom used to say, if life were fair we’d live in mansions and she’d drive the 1984 Firebird Trans Am she drooled over in her youth.
I guess Hudson is my Trans Am.
He stops typing long enough to reach into the corner pocket of his laptop bag and pull out a case containing a pair of glasses. The tiny square black rimmed pieces must look awkward on his face, but I can’t see from where I sit.
My decision isn’t as simple as deciding what I want. A lot of other people will get caught up in my decision. There’s a possibility I’ll lose my friends. Or some of us will go one way and the others will pick a different side. I think Aspen and Marissa would stick by me, but what about Simone and Clare? The two have become close over the last bit, but it doesn’t mean they would stick to the group if forced to pick.
And now I’ve waited so long that when the truth does come out everyone will know I’ve been lying to them for weeks. Will that be enough to turn Aspen away?
I worked so hard for this life in San Francisco and now it’ll be lost because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Life is horribly unfair.
When forced to pick between a man or the best friend you’ve had in your entire life, how does a girl decide?
19
Have you ever gone twenty-four hours not talking to someone?
I have. Actually, we’re going on our number twenty-five right now. They say silence is golden, but sometimes it sucks donkey balls. Big hairy giant donkey balls.
