“What are you think about?” Nate asks.
“Nothing,” I lie.
He pulls back, separating us a fraction, but I miss his warmth. “You’re thinking because she just said she’s going to have Italian bricks flown in to complete the patio and you didn’t throw a pillow at the television.”
My mouth drops open, staring at the TV screen, which has already moved to a commercial. “Italian bricks? What kind of budget does she think they have? It will ruin the project.”
“Out with it, Josie. What’s bothering you?”
I smile. I’ve also never had a man concerned with what was bothering me. Everyone has always accepted my “nothing” responses in the past.
“Nothing, I was just thinking of how crappy it will be when I go back to work. I’m gonna miss being home with Emma all day and seeing you.”
He squeezes me with the arm wrapped around my back. “Maybe it will work out and you won’t have to go back. You never know.”
“What does that mean? I like working. I want to keep doing it. I just hate how it interferes with the fun parts of life.” My mind fills with vivid images of getting to be a stay-at-home mom to Nate’s kids, but that won’t happen. I won’t allow myself to be into a situation where I don’t have to work again. It sounds odd, but getting divorced caught me off guard and I wasn’t prepared. I counted on my husband for everything and the day he told me he was leaving, he left me out in the cold with nothing. No job, no savings, and no prospects for the future.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that position ever again, regardless how wonderful the person I’m with treats me at the time.
“What about working part time or something?” His words sound almost hurt as if my response isn’t what he expected. I already only work part time.
I do my best to sit up straighter without leaving his side while I share a bit of my past. “When I found out about the cheating with Barry, it was the scariest time of my life. Not because he cheated — although that sucked — but he left me alone with a small child. I had no job and no job prospects. Nowhere to live and no way to pay the bills. It was like I opened my front door one morning and rather than a yard, I saw the black abyss of my future.”
I stop talking before the emotions run too high and I cry. Getting angry always made me tear up. The more pissed the more tears.
Nate stares and there’s pity in his eyes, which I don’t want from him or anyone else. I’m stronger now than ever before and I’m proud of my growth.
“But I’m happy now. I like my job and we have the apartment.” At the last minute, I leave out the part where if I don’t get back to work soon my savings will end in about four months.
“You’ll find this hard to believe, but I understand.” He squeezes me once again and then lowers the volume on the TV when it turns back to our show. “My dad and mom divorced when I was ten and until then I’d never seen the woman cry. Every time she checked the mail, one of us heard her in the bedroom crying. There’s nothing like being a ten-year-old kid wanting to help your mother and not being able.”
“I’m sorry,” I say because what else is there?
He snorts, but not over what I’ve said. “It sucked for a few years, but like you my mother is strong and she came back happier than ever before. If you talk to her now, she would say the divorce was the best thing to ever happen to her.”
I nod because I can already see how easily it could be true. Restarting and rebuilding my life with Emma was hard. I hope it’s the hardest thing I ever do, but in ways also the best. I wasn’t the person I should have been while married, and being on my own has given me the opportunity to find myself. Now, I’m figuring it all out and deciding what I want to be when I grow up, but at least now I have options.
“I just want you to know that I would never do that to you, Josie. You or Emma.”
This man. I stare up at Nate, and even though I want to trust him, I can’t make myself say the words. They would be a lie. I trusted someone before and look how it ended up for me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. Hopefully he doesn’t get mad and storm out.
“It’s okay. One day I’ll earn your trust and I don’t care how long it takes me.”
“I hope you do.” And I mean it was all my heart. I want to trust Nate, but I worry that part of me is broken forever.
He turns back to the television, but it’s a commercial again. “Do you know why I came to work for Ridge?”
I think for a moment. “Because you heard Pelican Bay was a hopping town to live in and you couldn’t wait to meet me?”
He laughs. “Yes, all those reasons, but also because when Ridge talked to me about joining his team, one thing he said stuck out. They were a family. As a child, my family was very close after my dad left. We only had each other and then each of my siblings got married and had kids and I joined the military where I met a new family. In what felt like a heartbeat, it was time for my service to end and I faced my dark future. Nowhere near as scary as yours, but for the first time in my life I had to go out into the world alone without a family.”
I nod because I understand how that could be scary and terrifying. Even for a big tough SEAL.
“Ridge talked about the group of men he wanted to put together and how he considered us a family. At that point I didn’t care how much the pay was or what I had to do. I just wanted to be here and get a new family. Find my people again.”
“And you like them?”
“Ridge and the guys are great, and even though Pelican Bay is smaller than what I thought, I like the town. And the people.”
