*
The florescent overhead lights gleam off the linoleum of my work space. The brightness highlights the emptiness of the area with only the company computer the lone item resting on the surface. I can’t stop my eyes as they survey the space for the white box I’ve come to expect following each lunch period this week.
My mood falls as I determine it isn’t here. I hate to admit I may have been a tiny bit excited about what Finn would send today. I wouldn’t have kept it, of course, but who doesn’t enjoy a good present? It has nothing to do with my feelings for Finn. There are no feelings. I’m over it. I’m also getting much better at lying to myself. One day I might even believe it.
“What did Finn send you today?” The top of Amanda’s blonde head is visible as she walks to my cubical opening.
She, I, and all the pictures I have tacked to the grey fabric of the cube walls glare at the empty space on my desk where all the other gifts have been placed for the last four days.
I drop in my black computer chair. “Nothing.”
“Nothing? Hmm.” Amanda’s head moves around the space as if maybe I’ve overlooked it. “Well, who did you give the flowers to this morning?”
“There weren’t flowers this morning.” My tone is flat as I answer and allow myself to finally acknowledge what it all means. Finn has moved on.
Amanda seems to pick up on it as well. “I’m sorry, Pen.” Her eyes fall to the dark blue weave carpet, and with a slight knock on my padded wall, she turns and leaves.
No one is as sorry as I am. Yes, I’ll admit I overreacted about the news, but Finn jumped right back in bed with Britney before the sheets were cool on our relationship. Where did she even come from? Talk about stealing a base, Britney slid right in before I even realized she was a threat.
My light brown leather purse shakes on the floor next to my feet, and my phone lights up when I reach inside. I imagine Amanda has already told Marissa about the lack of deliveries today, and she is sending me some man-hating mantras. But when I swipe the screen, Finn’s name appears.
The phone vibrates again and a 2/2 message notification flashes on the screen. I falter, but in the end click through to read what Finn has to say. I can’t resist reading his first attempt at communication with me.
FINN:Aspen the work on my condo finished up this week. I waited a few extra days hoping you’d come home, but since it doesn’t seem to be happening I wanted to
2/2:let you know I am no longer living here. You’re free to come back and I won’t bother you anymore.
I guess I’m going home tonight.
The thought bounces back and forth while I read the text message again, and then again. My third read through happens in the fourth stall of the Woman’s bathroom on the second floor. I don’t want anyone from my own company to recognize me as I cry over what this means.
All week long as there were flowers and gifts delivered each day, a small part of me believed Finn still cared. That maybe there was a part of him who still wanted me. Now those thoughts have been crushed. My heart stills and I have to forcibly take in a breath of air.
I’ve refused to go home for fear of having to face Finn and Britney, but now I have exactly what I wanted and I couldn’t be more upset. My last connection to Finn has been severed and with it a piece of my heart.
I should be happy Finn and Britney are back together. A better person would be. Earlier in our relationship, Finn confessed Britney was the only girl he’d ever loved. I should support the fact they were able to work through their differences. I want Finn to be happy. I just wanted him to be happy with me.
I sit and sniffle on the toilet seat behind the closed stall door. I may not have any makeup on today, but I still refuse to cry big tears. My strong-willed determination doesn’t stop them from coming, of course. I allow myself a few minutes of sorrow then work on channeling Marissa and her new anti-man belief system to get me through the rest of the day.
