Finn flinches at the word ex. “I want to make sure you’re safe, Aspen. I fucked up, but I would feel better if you had Jake with you. I understand why you won’t do it for me, but at the very least do it to save all these sexy heels you always have on.”
“You think my heels are sexy?” Damnit, Aspen! Of all the crap to latch onto, I have to ask about the sexy heels.
Finn perks up a small amount with my question. “Everything you do is sexy.” He exhales or sighs I can’t decide. “I’m such a dumbass, Aspen. I don’t know what I was thinking. Please, will you come in and let me try to explain?”
He opens the door wider. I shouldn’t. I don’t want to. But I do. I follow him inside. The door closes behind me, blocking a quick retreat.
Finn’s place, well I guess technically his friend’s place, is larger than my 450-square-foot apartment. It’s massive. My entire place could fit in the kitchen. Whoever designed our layouts did not have fond feelings for their mother-in-law.
He stops in a sparkling and modern kitchen. Stainless steel appliances gleam under the soft lighting. “Do you want a drink?” he asks from the butcher block surfaced island separating the kitchen from the rest of the living area.
“No.” My answer is flat. I need to hurry this along. The longer I’m around Finn the more my fury dwindles, and that’s not good.
His haggard appearance is such a contrast from the fun loving Finn I’m used to. It’s obvious he hasn’t shaved in a few days. The stubble runs along his jaw line and up to his cheeks. His face is blank and lacks his normal carefree-smile. This Finn is expressionless. Is it possible he’s upset over our breakup?
The silence between us becomes awkward. I sweep my eyes across the space and walk to the kitchen island. “I’ve never been in here before. It’s a nice place." I suck at small talk, and this is the best I have in me right now.
Finn doesn’t meet my eyes. “Well, it’s not mine so I’m trying not to get too comfortable here. My place should be done within the month.”
The thought of Finn not being so close tightens my chest. “Oh. I didn’t realize it was so soon. You’ll have to show me once it's done.” As soon as I say the words I realize my mistake.
You don’t take exes to a new place. I’ve known this arraignment wasn’t permanent for him, but I haven’t given much thought to how it will be not having Finn right next door. The move was always so far away, some distant event that would happen in some unknown future. A place and time we didn’t live in and didn’t have to deal with. It's too abhorrent a thought to consider even now. The fact I’ll never see where he lives is harder to swallow than I want it to be.
“I’d love to show you the place sometime. It’s not too far from here, in Cow Hollow,” he mentions a neighborhood close to mine, but one I haven’t had time to explore yet.
“Isn’t your new office building there too? Are they close together?”
“Yeah. They’re close.” Finn looks back to the fridge again as if the solution to our problem is in there. “I won’t need Jake for a ride any longer.”
I sit on a tall black metal stool across the island. “What will poor Jake do when he doesn’t have to drive you around all day?”
A small laugh escapes him at my attempt to joke. “Oh, I plan to make Jake take all of us to random spots around town. We wouldn’t want him to get too bored. Maybe we can teach him to use the copy machine.”
The image of big Jake standing by a copy machine trying to stare it into submission makes me chuckle. Our easy way of conversation is back and it loosens up Finn. He leans his elbows on the island top and rest his head on his hands. The action brings him closer to me and I peer into his dull, but still green eyes. The small lines at the corners are more pronounced than normal. It adds to his tired appearance and ages him. Small fissures to the safeguards I put around my heart start to form and I have to silently remind myself he dumped me.
“Finn.” I sigh at him. “What are we doing here?”
He turns away to stare intently at the sink faucet. “I loved her at one point in time.”
“Huh?” I have no idea what direction this conversation has taken.
His knuckles drum on the sink edge twice. “I can’t figure out a way to tell you my whole story without losing you.” His hands rest on the edge of the sink as he stares into the basin.
“You don’t have me now, Finn.”
He pauses then sighs with resignation. “Right. So nothing to lose then.”
He turns back to face me but rather than move to the island as he was before, he rests his back against the counter edge. His arms are crossed in a defensive measure, but there is pain in his eyes, on his face, and in his posture. Whatever he plans to tell me isn’t pretty.
“Her name was Britney and I loved her.”
I recoil as he starts to profess his love for another woman. “You don’t have to tell me this, Finn.” His defeated and stiff posture signal how hard this will be for him.
“You deserve to know. I want you to know. What happened between us Saturday wasn’t you. It was all me, Aspen. It wasn’t fair to you, but I want you to understand why. If nothing else I want to make sure you know it wasn’t you.”
He uses the cliché “it’s not you, it’s me,” but for some reason it doesn’t sound as if he’s giving me a line. I don’t answer him. There isn’t anything for me to say.
With my silence, Finn starts again. “We met through friends in high school, but didn’t date until college. Life was fine. Britney partied more than I did, but it was college, right?” Finn looks to me for my agreement.
