My mind was reeling with what these guys had been through, what had made them into the men they are today, and, more importantly, what they had survived. This world was not a nice one. Each of their lives was a prime example of how hard life could really be. How horrible any being could be to another.
One more. I just had one more.
I held my breath and clicked on Gears’ file. His file read, Gears AKA Mayson Smith, twenty-seven years old, Road Captain for the Mood Raiders. I was surprised to see his file consisted of one page. One page was all the team could dig up on him and any pseudo names.
I looked at his write-up, which said that he was an orphan at birth, dropped off at the doorsteps of an orphanage. He had quite a few write-ups and warnings in his orphanage file, but it seemed like he was never the instigator. It had a couple of notes inside that said he was a difficult child, and they tried several medications with no correct one.
He left the orphanage at seventeen and joined up with the Moon Raiders when they found him at a bar fighting robots for money. They took him on as a mechanic at first, and then he worked his way up to being Road Captain because of his smarts and strategic mindset.
With Gears’ file, it was more about what wasn't there than what was. There was no mention of parents, no adoption, no one to even pretend to love him since it seemed like the kids were picking on him all his life, and the adults allowed it to happen. He was alone from the get-go. On top of being a little particular, he had both kids and adults make him feel like he didn't belong, and he knew how they felt.
I put my phone down and sat back, thinking about everything I had just read. I know that I was supposed to look at it objectively, that everyone had a sad story. Though, for some reason, all of them pulled at my heartstrings. Yanking me to see them, really see them, other than the sexy bad boy leaders of the Moon Raiders.
They all had their own hardships and battles that they had to overcome at such young ages, ages where you should only have to worry about silly things like kissing girls and who you were going to take to the dance. If she even liked you or where the next party was going to be. These men didn't get to have that.
They had to grow up far too fast, be in charge of themselves and others’ well beings far too young. It was sad, but it was also a beautiful story of how strong they each were. How they survived together and were now thriving, even with their obstacles in life.
It all made sense now. Why two men with such opposites in personalities would stay together and create a group known for protection. How Duce’s carefree attitude and Rabid’s staunchness would work as the boss and right-hand man. How Brick’s strength and perseverance would make him the Enforcer. How Dino’s mind for money and understanding the criminal world would give them an advantage over others. How Gears was able to use his unique mind would be a benefit to a group like this. How they could all find each other, broken and beaten, and build each other up to be more.
In a weird way, I was a little jealous of that. The closest thing I had was Glenn and Ken, but they both are a part of my job. Rarely do we get to see each other in person. We just hang with each other and enjoy each other’s company. I never had a mother who loved me for just being me. She wanted the princess, her line to continue, her descendant of greatness, and when it was brought to light that this wouldn't be me, she ignored me.
I was a waste. Baggage. Some annoying piece of lint she wanted to flick away but couldn't.
I felt fresh tears run down my face, and my cheeks immediately heated with embarrassment. I didn't do this kind of thing. I didn't cry about things that would never change. I didn't cry about the life of a siren princess that I dreamed of but never got; it was never mine in the first place. I shoved the palms of my hands into my eyes, pressing hard as I willed the water to stop, to just let me be, but it kept coming. It escaped from my palms, running down my arms in tracks.
Stop. I told myself.Stop crying.You're being an idiot and an even worse assassin.Just stop. It's just a job, and your life is fine.I had a fulfilling career that I loved, and that was all I needed. All I should ever have wanted.
No, Celine. You didn't yearn for a family. For someplace to call your own. Didn’t ache for someone, anyone, to just love me for me. Accepting all my flaws and imperfections. To tell me that I was enough just as I was.
I heard a faint rumble in the background and knew my time was up. Assassins didn't get to wallow in self-pity. If they did, it was most definitely not on a job. I swatted the last tears off my face as I took a deep breath and forced a smile instead.
This was who I was and all I’ll ever get. I didn't deserve more than that.
Chapter 16
Ialmostbither.I almost fucking bit her.
The pounding of the steady stream of hot water on my back was the only balm to my circle of thoughts.
How could I have let it get that far? What the fuck was I thinking? I slammed my fist into the tiles, trying to calm myself with the dull ache.
I wasn't thinking. That was the only answer. I was so wrapped up in feelings that I let go of my control and let my wolf take over for a second. That was all it took, one fucking second. If I didn't react as fast as I did, then she would’ve been bit, and then she would have hated me forever.
My wolf kept circling in my head, sending me pictures of how much she would’ve loved the bite. That she was practically begging us to do it, and he couldn’t fathom why I left right when he was about to claim her as his.
And that was the fucking point. She wasn't mine. My heart squeezed at that thought, hating it more than anything, so I amended it to, not yet. She wasn't mineyet.
When Duce and Rabid left this morning, she looked a little lost, and I felt for her. I'm sure she was used to being the one in the middle of everything, the one that would’ve left to get the intel, and I guessed that it would be hard for her to just putz around the house waiting for them to come back. I thought she would appreciate a distraction.
When she caught me working out the other day, she seemed to be impressed with the equipment and layout of the place. Her eyes had looked around in appreciation, which made me think that she would enjoy having a workout buddy. I know I did.
At first, it was easy. We had gotten into a grove so quickly. I had never meshed with someone so well before. It was like we were on the same wavelength. Then I remembered that she kinda was with me. I didn't need to stop and think about hand signals or repeating myself slowly to make sure the person understood. I just had to put those word vibes out there, and she would easily pick them up.
Every once in a while, my gaze would snag on her ass as she bent over, zeroing in on the lucky drop of sweat that got to slide down the valley of her gorgeous breasts and find its home. Everything about this woman and what she did was sexy. She made it difficult not to find something about her that would make me instantly hard.
It was like that the first night, too. She was like this enigma that moved, and I followed. The first night, I was upset that Gears got to sleep with her next to him. I wanted that more than anything, but I guess that's why Rabid didn't want me to. Then, last night, she got to sleep with Duce, and I knew that there was little actual sleeping going on.
Instead of getting jealous of Duce, I wished I was in his shoes. Having her in my arms all night, the scent of her lingering in my bed, having her curl up against me in the morning to chase away the chill. I wanted it so bad that I almost went out of my room and walked over to his.
