I clear my throat of the emotion threatening to choke me and try again, not sure if I want the answer to this question. “Did I give you mixed signals or lead you on? Because if I did, I’m so sorry. I would never hurt you like that.”
Ben’s expression softens as he shakes his head slowly. I almost burst out in tears. Not just because he released me from guilt, but due to the fact that he’s looking at me the way he used to. Before Xavier and the Order came into our lives.
“No, Lilah, you didn’t lead me on. I guess I held onto hope for too long, praying you’d feel the same way one day when you got older.”
He takes a deep breath and averts his gaze. “It’s tough seeing you with X. It guts me to know you’re with him, but…” He pauses, his jaw tightening. “But he’s good for you. He’s a ruthless asshole, but he’s willing to put everything on the line to protect you. I can’t ask for more than that.”
“What about what I want?” I say with a teasing lilt to my voice. “Don’t I get a say?”
Ben’s eyes dart to mine, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth despite the heaviness of our conversation. “Of course you do. Last time I checked, you’re pretty good at making your own decisions even if I don’t approve.” He exhales and rolls his eyes. “If not, you wouldn’t have trespassed onto the fraternity’s property to look for me.”
“I had to find my big brother, and no one was going to stop me. If I want something, I go for it. Like having my best friend and my… whatever Xavier is, in my life.”
My foster brother chuckles, the rich sound genuine, erasing more of the tension between us. “Whateverhe is?”
I shrug. “Xavier is Xavier. It sounds stupid to call him my boyfriend when our relationship was forced, and we’ve been through a lot together. Not to mention the Order and all the complications that brings.”
Ben nods, his expression turning somber. “Very true. Even with his father keeping him in check, X still risks his life for you.”
I purse my lips. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Forget I said anything. I only wanted to tell you that he really cares about you.”
I reach over and grab Ben’s hand. “Don’t hide stuff from me. Please.”
He thinks on it for a moment before nodding. “Fine, but you’d better not say a word.”
Ben withdraws his hand from mine to retrieve his cell phone. After unlocking it, he pulls up a text thread between him and Xavier and hands me the device.
Xavier: Hey, concerning the tech for my summons? Everything is in working order, yeah?
Ben: Yep, all sensors are online and responsive.
Xavier: Thanks.
Xavier: Can you check the lock on my dorm room? I don’t want anyone stealing my shit while I’m gone. It’s valuable.
Ben: The alarm is set, and everything is safe.
Xavier: Thanks.
The exchanges continue back and forth. There’s one conversation for every day that Xavier’s been gone.
I look at Ben with my face scrunched up. “I don’t get it. Xavier is just talking about security.”
“He’s talking about you, Lilah.”
“Me?” When he nods, I ask, “I’m the ‘valuable shit’ he’s referring to?”
Ben’s lips twitch. “Yeah.”
“Oh.” I flop back onto the couch cushions. “That’s kind of sweet.”
“He doesn’t want to risk contacting you while he’s on a summons, but talking to another recruit isn’t overly suspicious. Especially since I provided the tech. X is using it as an excuse to text me every day and check that you’re safe. That’s why I think he’s good for you. Well, that and because he told me he’d ‘kick my motherfucking ass if I let anything happen to you while he’s gone.’”
“Wow. I’m not sure if I should be happy that he cares so much or pissed that he threatened you.”
Ben smiles. “Both.”
