“I’m not.”
He brushes his knuckles across my cheek, the heat of my skin transferring to his. “You are, little raptor. Tell me why.”
“You’re looking at me like…”
“Like?”
“I don’t know. Like I’m everything.”
“You are.”
I swallow the nerves gathering in my throat. His gaze flits to the movement, and when it returns to mine, his eyes are liquid silver. “When you say things like that, it makes me realize how much I don’t know you. This feels very one-sided.”
His lazy smile disappears. “That might be true.”
“No, it is. Trust me. I might know how you react in certain situations, and what you project to the world, but that’s not the same. I want to know about your past, your dreams, and your fears. The things that make you… well, you.”
Xavier’s brows snap together. He shifts on the bed to sit beside me, arms folded, his expression guarded. The change in him is significant, and regret fills my body like lead, weighing me down.
“Hey, I’m?—”
He lifts a hand to silence me. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I don’t know how. The things that have happened to me, the things I’ve gone through might change how you look at me. That’s the one thing I can’t handle.”
Chapter 11
DELILAH
My breath lodges in my throat, along with any reassuring words I might offer. I can’t speak them because I don’t know if that’d be lying to Xavier if I learn about the misdeeds in his past. Instead, I lay my head on his shoulder, offering my support. His muscles are stiff and unyielding, but I stay like that, unwilling to leave him.
After a moment, the tension lining his shoulders dissipates, and he wraps an arm around my back, pulling me to him. As I curl my body into his, he releases a breath that’s full of weariness and resignation.
I remain still, one ear pressed to his torso, listening to the steady beat of his heart. The rhythm is soothing, and I lose myself in the cadence, my thoughts drifting. Until the sound of his voice brings my focus back to him.
“You think you don’t know me,” he says slowly, “but the reality is that no one really does. My life has always been full of danger and deceit. The power and the desire for more of it is the pulse of the Order. That’s what gives it sustenance. This type of environment isn’t conducive to vulnerability or tenderness. Those things are foreign to me.”
I reach out and brush his arm, a silent show of support. I’m usually quick to ask questions, but with Xavier being fully transparent, the best thing for me to do is listen. To be his confidant in a world of secrets.
“I’ve done things,” he continues, “horrible things in the name of survival, because of, and for, the Order. Actions that were necessary but dark enough to question my own humanity at times. Until a question no longer remained, and all that was left was my need for power. Not to rule, but to be free. Free from my father and his demands on my life.”
“What about the Order?”
Xavier’s breathing changes, deepens, as if he was reluctant to continue. Or gathering the courage to cross an invisible threshold. “You can’t leave the Obsidian Order and live. I’ll answer their summons, and they’ll leave me to rule my empire. With you by my side.”
The honesty and resolution in his voice fuses together to create an unshakeable commitment. The admission has my skin prickling from fear, but not for myself. For him. I can only imagine the internal struggles he faces, the shadows he battles and will continue to deal with.
He pulls in a deep breath, his arm around me tightening. “I’m not telling you this to scare you. I need you to understand the complexity of who I am and the duality of my existence. While I’ll openly pledge my allegiance to the Order, my loyalty will always be to you.”
I lift my head and find his gaze is already on me. His eyes travel over my face, searching for my reaction to his declaration.
For a long while, he simply looks at me. I can see hope and worry in every crease and line fanning out from the corners of his eyes and around his mouth. His tortured expression softens my heart even more.
“I don’t want to lose you.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Not when I’ve searched for you all my life.”
His gaze grows cloudy, his mind probably full of the commitments he made long before we met. My request for emotional intimacy by way of Xavier sharing his past comes with a price. This is a crossroads. Not just for him, but for us, a decision that could impact our relationship.
For better or for worse.
“Xavier,” I say, pulling him back, anchoring him to me. “I won’t promise something that I can’t control. If your past is as awful as you say, then it’ll definitely affect me. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t give you the benefit of a doubt.”
