He doesn't push me to elaborate, and I'm grateful for that. I need a second to collect my thoughts.
"When I was little, there were times he was there and everything was fine. But he was gone a lot of the time too."
"It was hard for you."
It wasn't a question, but I still answer. "It was. But it was harder when he was there. Initially, it wasn't like that, but I don't know what changed. He started to hit my mother. Again and again."
There's a pause in our conversation as I remember those times. I hid in the corner and watched helplessly as my father hit my mother. I was just a kid, barely five years old. I couldn't do anything to stop him.
One moment, he was calm. The next, he exploded and took his wrath out on my mom.
There was always something wrong in his eyes. A coldness I could never figure out. How could such coldness exist in a person's eyes? It always frightened me, because even as a child, I knew there was something terribly rotten inside this man.
"I'm so sorry," Sebastian whispers in a soft voice.
"Thank you. I-" I clear my voice when it breaks. "I don't know why he did it."
"Abusers never need a reason."
"He never hit me, but he hit my mother. I couldn't understand why her and not me. I wished it were me."
Sebastian wraps his arms tightly around me, and I let myself just feel his embrace. He's the only thing holding me to the present, keeping me from slipping into the past.
"This continued until I was ten years old. That's when I started to intervene, when I was big enough to try to stop him. It was my eleventh birthday when I saw him for the last time."
It was the best birthday gift he could have ever given me.
I hated this man with everything inside me.
He married my mom, promised he'd always protect her, but instead, he was the reason she was hurt. He was the reason for her tears, for the bruises she went to bed with, for the pain I saw in her eyes even when she smiled.
"You're not him," Sebastian says, like he can read my mind.
I burrow my head in his neck and inhale deeply.
"It's one of my greatest fears… turning out like him. Hurting the person I love. Not being capable of protecting them."
Sebastian forces me to look at him. The look in his eyes is fierce and serious. It's a look I've never seen on his face before.
"You're nothing like that trash. Nothing. And you'll never be."
"I-"
"If you'll only ever trust one thing I say, let it be this. You. Are. Nothing. Like. Him."
My vision blurs, and I kiss his lips. The kiss is gentle. It's a thank you and so much more.
I feel lighter now that I shared this with Sebastian. I'd only ever told Aziel before, but even then, it wasn't the full truth. Back then, I only said my father wasn't a good man and that heleft when I was a kid. I couldn't bring myself to share it all. The words were stuck in my throat.
But now, with Sebastian holding me, I felt safe and strong enough to admit who my father really was.
Usually, I don't think about him. Not anymore, at least. But the fears still roar from time to time.
"You need some sleep. Sleep, I'll keep you safe," Sebastian says and kisses my forehead.
I chuckle.
"Shouldn't I be saying that? You're the one who got hurt."
