When he saw something inspiring, they’d twinkle a certain way. Light would shine from behind his pupils, lighting up every part of his iris. Beautiful, yet tragic to see when I thought of just how long it’d been.
I didn’t know what to expect when he opened his mouth, breaking the silence we’d surrounded ourselves with. “I need to paint.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded, his eyes going even wider. “Yeah, I need to go. I’ll show you when I’m done.”
I’d started to nod when he leaned forward, giving me one last peck on the lips before racing off to the bedroom. Had I been expecting more?
After years of nothing but friendship, and seeing as I was one second away from freaking out, I guessed I had been. I’d expected a complete meltdown or some kind of anxiety about the situation.
Elio and I had just kissed. A lot, actually. Was I the only one thinking this hard about it? Fuck, I was tired. I hadn’t been lying when I told him I hadn’t slept, but I’d definitely omitted the reason why. I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Not while he was so fresh out of hell. I didn’t want to bring him from one slice of hell into another one—or my version of it, I guess.
There was only so much I could do about my hallucinations. Being soul-crushingly depressed was hard enough without adding in the unnecessary doubt and questioning of my sanity with shit no one else could see or hear. Some days, I questioned how I survived in the past. Other days, I wondered when it would end. Begged for it to end, actually.
Maybe Lee was right. Maybe I hadn’t been ready when we ended our sessions. That night on the bridge—the same one I’d found Elio on—the only reason I hadn’t gone through with it was because I wanted to learn more about baking.
Baking had become my savior in many different ways. If I had something to do with my hands, I could focus on it rather than the things happening around me. I could buy time between now and my next sudden loss of reality. There was always something to learn, something to do, but it was mindless all the same. I didn’t have to use the brain that was failing me all that much. There was a recipe tofollow: procedures and instructions burned into my mind without much effort.
I think, in the end, my sudden urge to start over had been my downfall. New town, new job, new hobby—all of it was supposed to create a clean slate. But there was nothing clean about where I’d ended up so far.
I refused to let that happen to Elio. I should schedule an intake appointment for him with the therapist Moon mentioned.
Moon.
Groaning, I leaned my head back onto the couch. Like the worst brother and son in the world, I’d been ignoring my family again for the most part. If I didn’t get my shit together soon, they’d all start worrying enough to actually come visit me, and then there’d be a whole new mess to try to clean up.
God, I was so fucking tired. My eyes drooped, heavy with the effort of staying open. I couldn’t hear any noise coming from the bedroom, so I could only assume Elio was deep in concentration. What had gotten him so excited he felt the need to jump up and run to the easel? It both gave me hope and worried me at the same time. From what he’d said, it’d been a very long time since he’d painted anything.
Instead of reaching out to my family or doing anything particularly productive, I turned the music up in my earbuds and let something run on the TV. I wasn’t even paying attention, letting my head droop just as much as my eyes. I gave in to the deep, heavy weight settling on my chest, sinking further into the cushions as time went on.
My face relaxed, my lips parting slightly. At some point, my vision had started to flicker. Or maybe it was my eyelids repeatedly falling shut and reopening. The world started to fade, the sticky tendrils of depression and exhaustioncombining to grab hold of me, pulling me back into a dark void.
Just as I started to fall asleep, a woman screamed in my ear. Her shadow was so close, only inches away from my right ear. I jolted violently, my legs ready to run from something that didn’t exist. I’d seen the shape of her just a second ago, yet when I turned my head, she wasn’t there anymore.
In her place was Elio, standing in the hallway. His eyes were squinted as he looked around me, and then right at me. “Everything okay?”
On instinct, I nodded. He didn’t need to know that an army of people was haunting me. People who’d never lived, yet never died. “Yeah, I’m good. What’s up?”
There was paint splattered on his crop top, some dotted along his exposed stomach. Pink, white, and yellow slashes glowing along his skin, exquisitely captivating in my eyes. I was a moth to a flame, desperate to feel the heat exuding from him.
I hoped he never stopped wearing those.
“Wanna come see?” He inclined his head behind him and down the hallway.
I was already halfway standing, turning my music down to hear him better. “Of course I do, Sunshine.”
When I got close enough, I wrapped my hand around his, taking his palm into mine. We walked down the hallway together, breaching the door to my—I guessour—bedroom.
I’d laid a tarp down beneath the easel for any stray paint, and I was glad I had. An entire rainbow and then some splashed across the tarp, creating a kaleidoscope right before me. How fucking talented could one person be to make a masterpiece with a tarp and accidental paint spills?
“Okay. Come here.” Elio tugged on my hand, pulling me right in front of the canvas.
Though it wasn’t the same blank canvas I’d bought atthe store anymore. Pieces of my heart that’d been rattling nonstop in their cage, never connected to any one part, suddenly stopped. No vibration, no echoes of years lost or passed by. Just… peace within my body and soul.
For the first time since I woke up last night, there was silence beyond the soft music in my ears. I couldn’t see any ghosts of the past, present, or future watching from the sidelines. Elio and I were alone. Finally, truly fucking alone.
A soft, gentle breeze caressed my cheeks, subtly blowing my hair to the side. The sun beat down on my skin, warming each cell that lived there. My lungs expanded with the freedom of breath I hadn’t known I’d been missing. The scent of freshly cut grass tickled my nostrils, inviting me into a life worth living. A life with my best friend by my side.
