He shied away from me, shifting ever so slightly until he was turned away from me completely. I put my hand on his knee, shuffling closer to him, closing the gap he was creating between us. He still wouldn’t look at me, as if he was trying to hide beneath misplaced shame.
Gently, I placed my fingers along his jaw, turning his head to mine. When I could look into his eyes, I kept us there. “Right?”
“I’ve cleaned the entire house top to bottom with a broken rib and fractured ankle before, Cres.”
The force of his words had my eyes closing, my body and brain needing a moment to process everything thatmeant for him. For us. “It’ll take time, but I promise you—one day, you’ll understand that you don’t need to do that anymore. You don’t have to kill yourself just to prove your worth to me. You’re already invaluable to me.”
Forests of beauty with leaves of devastation fell in the background of his bright, beautiful eyes. “What are we going to do, Cres?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, look at me.” He waved a hand up and down his body. “I’m a fucking mess. I apparently don’t have a home anymore, or the man I thought loved me for the past decade. And don’t even get me started on the fact that I’m wearingyourclothes because I don’t have any, and living inyourhouse onyourcouch eatingyourfood crying onyourfucking floor!” I watched, stunned, as he growled and tugged on his hair. “I’m the one who tore us apart! And now here you are, saving my ass again when I should be the one saving myself.”
Reaching for him slowly, I wrapped my fingers around his wrist. He didn’t fight or pull back when I brought it away from his scalp, resting it between us instead. “We can buy you your own clothes, Sunshine. But the rest of it? Jesus Christ, the rest of it.” I shook my head. “I’ve said it time and time again, and I mean it. I want to help you. It isn’t pity for pity’s sake. It isn’t because of our stupid fucking past. It isn’t because of anything except that I want to. Do you get that? That you mean the entire world to me, and all I ever want is for you to be okay?”
He blinked. And he processed. Or he seemed to, at least. It was a stretch of silence we both needed, but I hated. A man was growling in my ear. I fucking hated it. I wanted him to stop, to shut the fuck up and let me have this goddamn moment, but he was relentless.
Just growling and growling. A rabid dog mixed with ahuman, snarling every few seconds. I shook my head out of reflex, only a little bit. Only enough to feel like I could take control back.
One of Elio’s eyebrows dipped, probably catching my reaction. “What if he finds us?”
“Then I’ll kick his ass.”
“What if you’re not home?”
“Then don’t open the door. Run to the bathroom and lock it. Call the police, then text or call me if you can, but keep your phone on silent. If the police don’t get here in time, I can promise I will.”
“I have a lot of shit at the house still.”
“I can go get it.”
“How?”
“I’m not afraid of him.”
He frowned, looking to the side. “I am.”
I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, pulling him into me. It took a bit of rearranging on both our ends, but I slowly lowered his head onto my shoulder. “I know. I can bring Moon if you’re worried.”
Goosebumps rose along my neck and shoulder as his breath touched my skin. “I just want my painting. That’s it.”
So he still had at least one. “Which one?”
“You haven’t seen it before, but it means a lot to me.”
“You know…” I trailed off, shifting us a bit more so I could lean further back against the couch. “I can get you a canvas and some paints if you’d like. Or have Sarah bring them over.”
He didn’t respond directly. Honestly, I hadn’t really expected him to. “Why do you have earbuds in?” The question surprised me as much as it startled me.
Lying to James earlier was easier, since he only saw me at work. Now, Elio would be seeing me way more often, and I hadn’t been able to go very long without them in so far. Itook far too long to respond, searching around in my brain for something logical. “It’s just something I do. It’s comforting to have music on all the time.”
A stupid lie. A sick one, actually. It teetered on using our distance as an excuse.
“I guess I really have missed a lot, huh?”
It dug a knife into my stomach, twisting and turning until nausea rose, and yet I couldn’t take it back. Elio was already in such a vulnerable state; I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t admit the insanity going on in my mind or what was sure to come next.
He didn’t know, nor did he need to know just how fucked up I’d gotten since he left. How lonely it was to go through life without him by my side. How terrifying it was when I finally told Mom, who immediately made me an appointment with a therapist.
