I knew why Crew ran. I knew why Crew looked haunted by the ghosts of a million years.
Fire simmered in the pit of my gut, rumbling and searching for something to kindle it. My tears ran down my neck, leaking onto my shirt. I hadn’t stopped crying since the first notebook.
The only thing left was the folded paper.
December 2024
Price,
You have now learned the ugliest parts of me in the only way I can explain it. I never did tell anyone, convincing myself it was for the best. After my final stay at Tiger Claw Camp, I went off the deep end. I was so hurt and twisted by the things Thompson said and did that I began to find comfort in the things he showed me.
It doesn’t make sense in my head even now. I wish I could say teenage me simply had flawed, traumatized thinking, but I still have those thoughts as an adult. I have created my own Hell. For years, I have thought there was no escape.
My mom couldn’t afford to send me to camp anymore, and she thought it was a bad influence since I came home beaten and bloody. She had no idea how true that was.
One day, I broke. That’s the only way I can explain it. I spiraled and I broke, and Thompson’s voice in my head was the only thing keeping me afloat. When I was sixteen, I started selling my body in an attempt to find whatever it was I thought I could find.
The pain was familiar. It absolved me of anything bad in my life. Or in my mind. And trust me, my mind was a fucking mess. I started to cut myself, do stupid shit no teenager should do.
Willow watched me decay over time without understanding why. Getting drunk, having reckless sex with men twice or three times my age. It was the only thing that made me feel calm. It settled something deep inside of me that I can’t understand even to this day.
I’ve been doing sex work ever since in an attempt to calm whatever it is that screams at me constantly. I’m broken, Price. My mind craves violence, and I truly believe that I deserve it.
Thompson broke me, just like I thought I broke Tobi. The thought of giving up and coping in some other way terrifies me. I knew I was heading for a path that only ended in death or destruction. I was at peace with that, because in my fucked-up mind, I was doing the only thing that made sense. The only thing I was good at.
But then you came along and fucked it all up. From the moment I saw the amber flames of your eyes, I knew I was screwed. And when you touched me?
Fuck, Prince Charming. You went and made me start to think I could do something different. That maybe, I deserved some peace for once in my life.
I wasn’t willing to fight Thompson’s voice in my mind or the demons that have followed me for years. All I knew was that I wanted you, no matter how reluctantly. I knew you were going to destroy me in a totally new way I couldn’t understand.
You, Price Iverson, were my catalyst. The ice that has encased me since I was thirteen has shattered, and all I can see is you.
A friend of mine told me once that I needed to stop taking shit for granted. That soon, I would be past the point of no return. All I could think of was you. How much Iwanted you. How much I desperately wanted to face my demons and squash them to pieces because I know you could be the answer to whatever the fuck I’ve been searching for.
Price, I don’t want just a few more months with you. I’m ready to try. I’m ready to heal. I want to face what Thompson did to me and what he turned my mind into, because you are worth it.
You’re worth living for. And I don’t mean just breathing. When I’m with you, I can feel what happiness is like. I want more of it. I want to fall in love without pain.
I want to be with you because when you hold my face with your soft, gentle hands and kiss my lips, I swear I can taste Heaven.
You’re worth drowning for. You’re worth learning how to wade through arctic waters.
I think I’m falling for you and it’s the scariest fucking thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t know how to swim. It’ll be up to you to be my lifeguard, so if you think you can handle this, knowing how broken I truly am, then please.
Will you accept the single icicle that is my heart and hold it tenderly until I can become a beautiful glacier again?
(AKA, will you please fucking date me even though I’m a goddamn mess and will fuck up time and time again?)
Darkness enveloped the room as I turned the lamp off and rose from the couch. My head pounded each time the bottom of my foot hit the hardwood floor beneath me. I followed the hallway to my bedroom, opening the door wide and not bothering to close it behind me.
As I approached my bed, I felt each tear fall from my face onto the raw, scratched parts of my arms. The curtains were parted, and a winter wonderland was showcased through the window.
Moonlight lit up my bed, captivating me. Crew was underneath the blankets with one of my hoodies underneath his head. He looked peaceful.Bruised on his face, but peaceful. Like he was at home, dreaming of secret waterfalls and gorgeous lakes.
I reached the bed, pulling the blankets away to sneak in behind Crew’s sleeping form. His skin was frozen to the touch, always cold enough to soothe the burning fire within me.
As the snow blocked us in, I pulled Crew’s back against my chest and nestled my nose into the top of his hair. I inhaled, basking in the scent of my shampoo on him. It echoed through the room, most of the air getting stuck in my chest as I suppressed a cry.
