July 2016
I’m old enough for harsher lessons. Thompson is rougher with me ’cus I can take it. I need it. He helps me since I can’t help myself. It hurts a bunch, but what am I gonna do? Tell someone?
HAH!
I can’t. But that’s beside the point. There’s a new boy, a couple years younger than me. Super rowdy and disruptive during activities. He’s always laughing, though. I wish I could be like that.
His name is Tobias and he lives in town. This is his first year at camp. Thompson wants me to bring him with me to my lessons. Says his dad walked out on him, too. Says Tobi needs the same guidance and lessons I do.
I believe him ’cus Thompson is always right, even if it don’t feel right. I don’t wanna bring Tobi, but I gotta. Thompson can help him and maybe I can help Tobi get used to the lessons. Show him that it’s for his own good.
We been talking about it for a while. I’m super against it, but Thompson says we just gotta try it and see how Tobi responds. Being good should be easy. If it ain’t, I’m not trying hard enough. So I’m not trying hard enough for Tobi ’cus getting Tobi is good. Right?
God, I hope I’m right.
July 2016
We took two lessons together, side-by-side. Tobi told me it was wrong. That we should tell the other adults. He cried a lot and I told him it wasn’t wrong.
If it was wrong, I had to tell someone, and I’d have to admit it was wrong and that I didn’t want it. If I admitted it was wrong, I don’t know what I’d do. Lose my shit, probably.
The first lesson was way easier since we had Tobi. He didn’t think it was easy. I told him it was okay, ’cus it got easier the more you did it. He looked at me like I was dumb. I wasn’t dumb. He hadn’t dealt with it like I had. Tobi says I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
He said it was something called abuse.
I told him it can’t be. He asked me why and I told him to shut it. He shut up after that.
The second lesson was harder. Thompson was too happy to give the lesson, so he got a little carried away. Tobi and I both took a big beating and we was bleeding a lot.
“Punishment teaches you a lesson. Bruises remind you of the lesson you learnt.”
“Bleeding is good. Makes all the evil spill out and go away.”
Thompson kept saying it, even when Tobi went all silent on us. He wouldn’t move or speak. He barely even blinked. I had to clean him up and put him to bed. I think we broke him. I don’t want Tobi to be broken. I thought we could be friends since we both had to learn lessons. He’d be able to understand more than anyone else.
I don’t think Tobi will wanna be my friend. I hope he gets fixed. I didn’t mean to break him.
July 2016
Tobi didn’t speak no more. His eyes were always super wide and…empty-looking. I tried to make him laugh. I told him we could eat candy in Thompson’s room.
He wrote on a paper for me. Said he was leaving camp early and never coming back. He said he was gonna tell his mom about Thompson.
I told him he can’t tell them about me. Made him promise. Pinky fucking promise ’cus that meant the most.
Tobi left that day. Thompson said we ain’t taking anymore kids into our lessons. He has to focus on me. I failed the one job he had for me. I gotta be punished for it now.
August 2016
Keep my hair blond. Remember my lessons. Bleeding makes the evil go away. Bruises remind me of my lessons.
I said goodbye to Thompson today, and he gave me homework to remember until next summer and a whole tub of Dubble Bubble gum. I’m writing this in Mom’s car, right after I told her a lie about my black eye and bleeding lip.
She says I ain’t going to camp next summer.
I wonder what happened to Tobi.
Notebook number three—the final notebook—ended just like that. It was never written in again and I finally understood. I understood whyTobias was so quiet and shy. I got why he looked petrified the first time he saw Crew.
