“I’m not going to try and prove myself to anyone. I am who I am, and I’m not going to answer for it. I’ve had to answer for it my whole marriage, and I’m not doing it again. You don’t want me to build up the Outer Banks, but I’m a builder, and I can’t be happy unless I’m doing that. I have a totally different vision about what I see for the future. Yes, I want to sit on my porch and read, but only if I know that I’ve just found land to build a golf course. I can’t change who I am or what I do. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” she said, not getting up. Her legs might not have held her if she’d stood up. “I misinterpreted the moment, and I misinterpreted who you are.” Had she ever. Clearly, Jake was not going to be persuaded to change his mind about building.
Even putting the issue of Jake’s profession aside, he had the upper hand in this argument. He’d known, first-hand, what being in a committed relationship was like. Faith hadn’t ever been married. She didn’t have a clue about being with someone that long. Casey’s words were like daggers inside her head. Her sister was right. What did Faith know about relationships? She’d finally put herself out there, taken a chance like Nan had told her to do, and she’d failed. In the world she’d created back home, she was safe from situations like these. She couldn’t get hurt there.
She looked out at the ocean. She didn’t know what to say. He was right. Maybe they were better as friends. She was used to living alone, and she, too, had learned to enjoy it. He was reading her again, she could tell, and she tried to push all the thoughts from her mind unsuccessfully.
“I’m glad I met you,” she said. “Sometimes in life, there are people who, for whatever reason, make us feel great. You’re one of those people for me, but I understand that we are very different. I’d like to stay friends.”
“I feel the same way. Friends,” he smiled. Then, reaching out to help her up, he said, “Shall we go back to the party?”
Faith grabbed his hand and stood up, letting go to brush the sand off her bottom, and trying to get feeling back in her legs. Her anxiety over the moment had made them wobbly. As she walked up the steps, she thought about how much of a scene she’d made. Her sister had said she was dramatic, and she may have been right. She was at a party, yet she was fighting with her sister and trying to kiss the host.
She was tired. She wanted to go home. She wanted to get in her car and leave. It was all too much. Jake didn’t say anything else. He was quiet the whole walk back to the house. As they entered the crowd, the chatter was amplified in Faith’s ears, slamming around in her head, giving her a headache.
She walked beside Jake to the tent where Nan was sitting beside her mom, an iced tea in her hands, the wine long gone. Her mom was smiling, unknowing, but Nan focused on her, an unreadable expression on her face. Concern? Confusion? Had Casey come back up spouting her irritation with Faith to all of them? Clearly, she hadn’t by the look on her mother’s face. Nan was so intuitive, so sharp, that she could always tell. Faith tried to smile, to put on a happy face and play the part.
“I’ll see ya later,” Jake said as he headed toward a group in the other direction, leaving her with her mom and Nan.
Faith caught sight of Chuck in the crowd and he waved. She thought about how Jake’s father felt about his business developments, and she realized that Jake probably didn’t want yet another person in his life shooting down his dreams. Even if they were ridiculous. She understood, but it didn’t make it any easier. The sadness over their unresolvable differences and the eventual loss of her most favorite place were weighing heavily on her. Her head pounded, and the sun and wine were only making it worse.
“Where have you been?” her mom asked with a grin. “We’ve been having a great time up here. Your nan’s been telling me stories about you girls that I’d never heard. Did you know that you two got into her baking flour when you were just a baby and you had it all over her kitchen? She didn’t ever tell me that.” Her mom laughed, looking over at Nan, but Nan was still eyeing Faith, her gaze appraising.
Her mom’s words were barely registering because Faith was still in a fog from what had happened with Jake, and the fact that Nan clearly noticed made her self-conscious. Why had Nan even tried to get them all together? Faith wasn’t anything like her sister, and rather than moving forward, the trip had felt like a backward step for them. Her poor mother had packed half her house in preparation, and Faith was ready to leave having used none of what she’d brought. To make matters worse, Isabella was being dragged to adult parties. Where was she anyway? Faith hoped that Casey had her off somewhere playing.
“I’m going in to get some food,” her mom said. “If not, I may not be able to drive home!” She held up her wine, probably the same one that Faith had brought her, only half of it gone. Her mom was not a drinker. She usually nursed her glasses all day, making Faith wonder how she could muscle them down once they got warm. Her mom excused herself, leaving her alone with Nan. Faith sat down as she watched her mom heading for the house. Instinctively, she found herself scanning the crowd for Jake, but she stopped herself.
“Would you like to talk about it?” Nan said out of nowhere.
“Not really,” she answered, but gave Nan a gentle expression to let her know she wasn’t trying to be rude. What was the point in telling her about it? None of it could be changed.
“Well, then. If you’re not going to talk about it, I will. Casey came marching up from the beach, looking like a firestorm. Then, she collected herself, got Isabella, and said she was taking a walk. You are nowhere to be found for ages, and when you finally emerge, you look as though someone has put you through the ringer. Jake darted off like a flash. From what I’ve seen of you and Casey this week, I’m willing to bet that Jake is in the center of your spat.”
How does she do that?Faith wondered. Nothing could get by Nan.
“Let me offer you a little advice. I don’t care whether you want to hear it or not. I’m telling you anyway. Don’t let whatever it is with Jake cloud your issues with Casey. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the two of you. You’ll never agree—you’re too different. But, one day, you’ll learn to appreciate your differences. In order to do that, you both have to find your own happiness. And I don’t mean a man. You have to be happy in your own skin. You are who you are, Faith. And you are wonderful. I think it every day.”
How could she feel wonderful when she’d just made a fool of herself with Jake? She always got it wrong. She always came in second. She didn’t want to sit and feel sorry for herself, but the facts were glaring.
“I’d like to tell you something else,” Nan said, breaking her free from her thoughts. “John was just a boy when I met him. He’d moved in a few streets over when we were in high school, and the teacher had put him at a desk in front of mine in our English class. I remember the sweater he wore on cold days—it was a blue cardigan. As I looked at the back of him every day, I wondered about him. I wondered what it was like moving to a new place. I wondered what he did after school. I didn’t love him then. I didn’t know him. But I wanted to know him. That’s how it starts, Faith. Nobody knows if they’re meant for one another—I certainly didn’t know back then that this boy sitting in front of me in English class would be the man that I would spend every day wishing to be with again at the age of ninety. I didn’t know that he’d be the one who kissed my forehead every night before we went to sleep or the one who wasted away the weekends staying in bed, pulling me back in every time I tried to get up. You won’t know, Faith. But if you give up, if you don’t try, you might miss it.”
Nan made it sound so easy. Faith wondered if she’d ever had the trouble that Faith had experienced. “I can’t get it right, Nan,” she said, struggling to get the words past the lump in her throat. “I can’t get any of it right.”
“You don’t have to get it right,” Nan said, smiling, her gaze wise and experienced. “What fun would that be? What seem like big, difficult hurdles to you now will be a blip when you’re my age. It will all be part of your journey to where you’re meant to be. At ninety, I finally have it all straight. I know exactly what I want. It’s simple. I want my family to understand each other, and I want to know that when I leave here, I can sit with John and feel like I’ve done something for my family. That’s all that matters.”
Faith sat quietly, thinking about her grandmother’s words. It was difficult to have Nan’s perspective, given her age and experience. Faith watched the people around her now, how they talked to each other, how they laughed together, and she wondered what she was doing here with them at this party. She didn’t have the kind of money that Jake had. She wasn’t used to his lifestyle. She didn’t agree with the whole reason for this party or the plans he’d made. Being here was causing old wounds to be opened and making her fight with Casey. None of it seemed to be helpful in any way, and she thought again that maybe she’d better just leave. But then, her gaze fell on Jake. He was standing with a group, a drink in his hand, listening to whomever was talking, but his eyes were on her, all the way across the lawn. He was looking right at her. She smiled. Given what had happened, it wasn’t the most obvious choice of response, but it was a natural one. Just like Nan had wondered about John, she wondered about Jake. What if he was like that boy in English class? What if, one day, she’d know him better than he knew himself? Maybe it wouldn’t happen, but maybe it would.
Jake looked away, but she kept glancing over at him. But then, Casey emerged with Isabella and stood next to him. She said something into his ear, and he bent down to talk to Isabella. Faith was far away from them, but she felt farther and farther away as she watched them. He’d told her they should be just friends and she’d got carried away, romanticizing again. She had to face facts: All he wanted was to be friends.
FIFTEEN
Faith didn’t get to say goodbye when she left the party. With so many people there, she hadn’t been able to catch Jake, and Nan was getting hot in the car, so they had to go. Nan had mentioned that she’d said goodbye to him anyway, so at least she could represent them all. Casey wasn’t speaking to Faith—she’d given her the silent treatment all the way home, which was fine because Faith wasn’t in the mood for any further discussion. Isabella had filled the silence, chattering about anything and everything. Her mom and Nan both responded as if nothing was wrong, but Faith knew they could both tell. And after Isabella and Casey went to bed that night, they wanted to know.
She didn’t tell them right away. She was still too upset with Casey. She went straight to her room and closed the door. Once she was alone, and the magnitude of what had transpired was able to finally hit her, she let the tears come. The thing about Casey was that it seemed like she didn’t care, when really she did. She cared so much; she just wouldn’t admit it to herself. She was the cool, collected one—she’d always been that. Sometimes, she needed to let her guard down.
Even though she felt awful, and she just wanted to cry, she got herself together. After a few tissues had been used, the redness under her eyes covered with powder, and a roll of her shoulders to relieve the stress, she went out to face the family. She knew Nan would want to know everything, and she really didn’t want to relive the humiliation of the moment with Jake or her insecurities regarding her sister. She really didn’t even want to hear what Nan had to say, because the fact that she had figured it all out only made Faith feel like she hadn’t. She didn’t have years of experiences to fall back on. She barely had any. All she knew was what she felt right now, in the present. She felt like she couldn’t live up to Casey, and she never would, because the moment she tried to show someone what she felt it hadn’t gone the way she’d planned at all. The embarrassment of it lingered under her skin.
Jake was rich in a kind of way that she had never experienced, the excitement of it sweeping her off her feet but slamming her back down to reality at the same time. He had different views about what the future might look like. And they’d argue about it because she felt that his business decisions were wrong in so many ways. The problem was that she would love a chance to find a happy medium. Why did they have to agree on everything? What kind of life was that? She had a connection with him, and she knew he could feel it too.
