“We’re just trying to keep you informed. We’re concerned for her safety.”
“Funny how nobody was concerned about my safety,” he said. Something occurred to him then. “The state is paying for all this?”
There was another long pause, then the man did that annoying throat-clearing thing. “Your mother’s bill is…being covered by an anonymous donor.”
Levi sighed, rolling his eyes. Of course, Nico squealed to Jericho and Atticus. Traitor. “Anonymous donor? Would that anonymous donor happen to have the last name Mulvaney?”
“Uh, I can’t say.”
“You don’t have to,” Levi said. “I already know.”
“Mr—”
“Look, I’m really sorry that my mom bailed on you,” Levi said, cutting him off once more, feeling like he was choking on his words. “And if she was schizophrenic this whole time and nobody noticed, that really fucking sucks, especially for me. But I don’t have to care about her. I don’t have to worry if she’s alright. The truth is, she doesn’twantto get better. If she did, she would have stayed. You wouldn’t have had to hold her captive there via court order.”
“Mr. Akira?—”
“Good luck,” Levi said, then disconnected, tossing his phone over the edge of the bed.
It was only once he ended the call that he realized he was shaking. Shiloh raised his head, then rested it on Levi’s chest, before throwing a leg over both of his. “Did she really do that?” he asked quietly.
Levi threaded fingers into Shiloh’s hair absently, trying to calm the rage and bitterness surging through him. “Which part?”
“Did she sell you to people?” he whispered.
Levi gave a jerky nod, staring up at the ceiling, swallowing hard before he managed a soft, “Yeah.”
Shiloh hugged him tight with his whole body. “I’m really sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” Levi asked, hoping he sounded bored. “I’m fine. It was a long time ago.”
“How can you just be fine?” Shiloh asked.
“Jericho,” Levi answered. “Once I met Felix, Jericho protected me, gave me a place to stay, a place to hide. A place to put all my rage.”
Shiloh threaded their fingers together. “By killing people?”
“Not people.Badpeople. People who deserve it. People like your brother. And my mother.”
They laid there in the darkness for a long while. There was an instability to his emotions that Levi couldn’t seem to tamp down, a violent storm rioting within him. Rage. Anger. Bitterness. Resentment… Guilt. He tried to stuff them back down where they belonged, but the emotions were too strong, threatening to break free at any moment, causing massive devastation.
“Do you really think she has schizophrenia?” Shiloh finally asked.
“No,” he said dully.
Shiloh squeezed his hand. “Do you really not believe it or is it just easier to not believe it so you don’t have to care about her?”
Levi’s gaze jerked to Shiloh, voice shaking. “She’s a monster. Do I owe her my pity? My forgiveness? Most serial killers are sociopaths. Does that make them less culpable for their crimes? Most criminals were abused. Does that mean they shouldn’t be punished?”
Shiloh gave him a soft look that almost broke him, moving to prop himself up enough to press kisses to Levi’s face and hair. “That’s not what I’m saying, baby.” Levi shivered at Shiloh’s term of endearment. “You can be sad and worried even if you hate her.”
“What’s the point of being sad?” Levi muttered. “Sadness doesn’t change reality. It just slows you down.”
“I hate my brother,” Shiloh said suddenly. “I hate him so much. But growing up, I loved him. No matter how much he hurt me and manipulated me, I loved him. I lived for the phase in-between the beatings when he would be so nice to me, when I could trick myself into thinking he didn’t mean to hurt me. Even after I realized the truth, I still felt sad at the loss.”
Levi shook his head, trying to make sense of Shiloh’s logic. “Why would you be sad you lost someone who hurts you?”
“I wasn’t. I was grieving the loss of the person I believed him to be when he wasn’t hurting me. I was sad that the person Ihoped he really was didn’t exist. I was sad for what might have been. For the relationship I could have had, if he’d been born differently under different circumstances. It’s okay to hate your mother and grieve for the mother you should have had. The one who maybe could have existed if not for alcohol or mental illness.”
