Levi pulled back, adding hastily, "You can say no.”
Shiloh didn’t want to say no. He wanted Levi to erase the memories of the people before him, wanted to feel him working him open on his fingers, wanted to hear the pretty words and praise he knew would fall from Levi’s lips when Shiloh was good for him.
But what if he froze up? What if he was bad at it? He was probably going to be bad at it. How could he not be? Getting good at something involved practice, something Micah had ensured Shiloh would never have. Ugh, he didn’t want to think about him right now. He wanted one thing just for him, but even now, Micah’s handprints were all over the situation. He was only there right now because of Micah’s actions, Micah’s wants.
But why did it matter? It was just sex. He could hear Micah’s voice echoing in his head.Don’t start acting like a baby now.
God, Micah was right. He was an embarrassment. And if he slept with Levi, he’d see it, too. He’d see just how little Shiloh knew…about everything. Would he be disgusted with him, too? Would he make fun of him, ridicule him, laugh at him? His heart said no, but his head was so much louder.
"I…"
Levi braced himself up on his forearms, studying him with kind eyes. “You…” he prompted.
Shiloh swallowed audibly, then his tongue darted out to lick over his lower lip. He dragged his gaze to stare at a water spot on Levi's ceiling. “I haven’t really done this a lot,” he blurted. “So, if I’m bad at it, that’s why.”
Silence stretched like a wire pulled tighter and tighter, panic welling inside him until it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Still, Shiloh couldn’t bring himself to look at Levi’s face.
He had no idea why he’d just done that other than to stave off Levi’s inevitable disappointment at how bad Shiloh was at sex. Better Shiloh say it first than to hear it from Levi himself when it was over. It was always better to beat them to the punchline, that way he could pretend it hurt less.
When Shiloh couldn’t bear the silence one more second, he risked a peek. He found Levi still examining him patiently. Somehow, that was worse. He pushed Shiloh’s stubborn curls off his forehead. “You’re so fucking cute.”
“I’m covered in bruises,” Shiloh muttered.
“You’re still cute. But that’s not what I mean. You’re just so…sweet.” Levi kissed him again, sweeping his tongue into Shiloh’s mouth in a way that made his toes curl. He couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped. “That,” Levi said against his lips. “That sound right there is what I mean. You’re so…eager…ready. It’s hot.You’rehot.”
Shiloh didn’t get why he was being so nice. Didn’t he see he didn’t deserve this? Any of it? At least those other guys had known he was trash from the start and acting accordingly. Shiloh was used to disgust. Disappointment. Hell, even pity. But this—this kindness and understanding—it clawed through him like razor wire. It was too much.
“You don’t have to be nice to me,” Shiloh blurted. “I’m not going to change my mind. I promise.”
Levi froze, his heart doing something complicated in his chest. “What?”
Shiloh squeezed his eyes shut, suddenly looking miserable. “I’m just saying…like, you don’t have to seduce me or whatever. I’m still going to let you fuck me.”
Levi’s stomach churned. He jerked himself away from Shiloh. Had he been forcing himself on him this whole time? Pushing him into something he didn’t want just because he was so used to being abused and pushed around? Levi felt like he was going to throw up.
The only thing keeping him from letting self-hatred drag him into its coils was the absolute look of desolation on Shiloh’s face when Levi moved off him. He looked small and lost and so…sad. Did he think he’d disappointed him? Fuck. Levi refused to be another bad thing that just happened to Shiloh.
He laid down beside him, their bodies still touching from shoulder to calf. He reached for Shiloh’s hand, taking it into his own. “I…don’t think we should do this. Not tonight, anyway.”
Shiloh’s hand stayed limp in his own, his sadness like a black hole, sucking all the warmth from the room. “Oh. Okay, yeah.”
How could Levi fix this? How could he make it better? He wished that, for once, he could read minds. He wished he was smart like Jericho, that he could just know the right thing to say. The right thing to do.
“I should go,” Shiloh choked, wrenching his hand from Levi’s and swinging himself into a sitting position.
Fuck. He couldn’t let him go like this. He needed to explain, needed Shiloh to understand that whatever he was thinking right now wasn’t the truth. He needed to make him understand. Quickly. He couldn’t let Shiloh go back to his brother. He couldn’t.
Levi didn’t think, just reacted, grabbing Shiloh’s arm and pulling him back onto the bed. He kept his voice soft, his tone neutral. He couldn’t have Shiloh thinking he was panicked or angry. “Uh-uh. Let’s talk, huh?”
Shiloh was trembling, pink from his neck to his ears. Levi had found his flushed cheeks adorable when he thought he was making him feel good. But even from this position, Levi could see him fighting back tears.
“There’s nothing to talk about. And I really have to go,” Shiloh choked out, words thick.
He tried to escape once more, sending a blind panic through Levi. Fuck. This was why they said two damaged people shouldn’t be together. Shiloh’s tendency to run and Levi’s fear of abandonment were at direct odds with each other. The more Shiloh fought his hold, the more fear tightened its grip on Levi, reminding him that whenever he truly loved something, it hurt him. It left him.
“Stop,” Levi said, dragging him back down and throwing an arm across him. “Don’t make me sit on you. It will be uncomfortable and embarrassing for both of us.”
Shiloh shook off Levi’s arm, giving him a nasty look as tears rolled down his cheeks. He threw his legs over the edge and sat up. Relief flooded Levi when he realized he wasn’t making a run for it.
