He didn’t like the ambiguity of Arsen’s silence. If he was mad, he’d rather he yell at Ever or something. Hell, even hitting him would be better than the silence. It was rubbing Ever’s nerves raw.
It didn’t seem like he was mad at him, though. When they’d gotten under the covers, Arsen had pulled him in, arranged the sheets and comforter around them. He wasn’t sleeping anymore than Ever was. He could tell by his breathing and the rapid beat of his heart. But still, he remained silent until Ever couldn’t take it anymore.
“Are you mad at me?” Ever finally asked, hating how small his voice sounded.
Arsen’s arms tightened around him briefly. “What? No. Why would you ever think that?”
Why wouldn’t he think that? He’d done nothing but cause Arsen trouble since the day he’d rescued him. There were people who wanted to kill them, kill Arsen’s friends, kill the only father figure he’d ever known…because of Ever. People had tried to burn them alive, had wanted Ever dead so badly they’d set Jericho’s business on fire, knowing there was a potential for it to spread to the apartments next door.
“You’ve been really quiet.”
“I’m quiet because I’m pissed off. Not at you,” he hurried to add. “At them. At this situation. At the fact that we gave them a chance to walk away and they chose to engage. So, now, we have to retaliate. We have to hit back harder. These games make me feel…”
Ever tilted his head up. He was just barely able to see Arsen’s silhouette in the shadows. “Make you feel…”
Arsen didn’t answer right away. Ever wasn’t sure he’d answer at all. He returned his head to Arsen’s chest, letting the sound of his heart lull him. When Arsen did speak, the words vibrated through his chest beneath Ever’s ear. “It makes me feel like my father.”
Ever sucked in a sharp breath, jerking his head up to look at Arsen again. “You’renothinglike him. Your father was a monster. He killed your mom because he was a bad person.”
“I’ve killed people, too.”
Ever shook his head vehemently. “You killed Jennika becauseshewas a bad person. That’s not the same. You kill to keep people safe.”
Arsen threaded his fingers in Ever’s hair, blunt nails scratching over his scalp in a way that made him feel tingly and sleepy. “Logically, I know that. But sitting there, in a room full of men who kill for fun as much as for necessity— hearing them throw around words likeretaliationandshow of forcemakes me feel like I’m no better than my mob enforcer father.”
Ever’s heart twisted. He didn’t want to be the cause of Arsen’s distress. Maybe it was selfish to want his abusers dead. Maybe things would die down on their own if they just gave it a chance. He’d be okay with that if it made Arsen happy. He only wanted Arsen happy.
“You don’t have to do this,” Ever said, squeezing Arsen in a hug. “We could let the Mulvaneys take care of it. Or we can just…wait and see. Maybe they’ll think the fire was enough to scare me into silence,” he finished quietly.
“‘You’re dead’ is a pretty straightforward threat,besenok. Besides, Idowant them dead. I wantallof them dead for what they did to you. And when they’re dead, I won’t feel an ounce of pity or guilt. My father never felt that way, either. Sometimes, I wonder if my father and I are just two sides of the same coin.”
Arsen was nothing like his father. His father was a monster who tried to make his son do his dirty work for him then somehow turned himself into the victim. Arsen was sweet and kind and gentle and beautiful. He was bright and colorful and…perfect. He was the best thing that ever happened to Ever.
Then he remembered something he’d read in a book once. “Isn’t a coin’s luck good or bad based on whether it lands heads or tails? That is something real, right?” Ever asked, face growing hot.
What other nineteen-year-old didn’t know the difference between what was real and what was fake? His stomach churned, hoping Arsen didn’t think he was stupid for not knowing something so simple.
“It’s a superstition, but many people believe it,” Arsen said. “I believe it.”
Ever felt something unknot within him. “Well, if you’re the same coin, then you’re the good side and he’s the bad. That’s all that matters.”
Arsen squeezed him, then kissed the top of his head. “I suppose you’re right.”
Ever’s hand slid up under Arsen’s t-shirt, tracing the ridges of his muscles. He wasn’t trying to start anything, just suddenly needed to be as close to him as possible and the heat of his skin was hard to resist.
They lay in silence for a long while, still not sleeping. Ever’s mind began to wander, a new different panic starting to seep into his thoughts. Panic about the future. He couldn’t stop himself from asking, “What happens after?”
There was a long pause, then Arsen asked, “After what?”
Ever’s heart tripped. “After they’re all dead. What happens to us? To me?”
Arsen’s answer came much faster this time. “Nothing happens. We go back to living our lives. You’re going to get a new birth certificate and a new social security number, and then you can do or be anything you want.”
That sounded like a fairy tale. A story much too good to be true. “Not everyone gets happily ever after.”
“Maybe so, but I’ll die trying to make sure you get yours,” Arsen said.
“It’s not that simple. A new name isn’t going to teach me math. According to Jeremiah, I have the education of a sixth grader. I definitely can’t do what I want.”
