I sniff, swipe my hands over my face, then get to my feet. My entire body feels weighed down, making me groan. I use the floor as a support and haul myself up, then stumble my way towards the small window in the living room. I’ve left Dorran to himself for long enough.
The day has set, and the grey evening light is casting dull shadows against the street, making the view before me a bit spectral. It’s still raining pretty heavily, and there he is – amidst the brutal sheets of downpour – standing right in front of his garage, unmoving; staring at nothing.
I swallow and let go of a breath, in turn fogging the window’s glass, then move away from it before making my way out of the loft.
He may not say it, but I know for a fact that Dorran needs me. Whether to simply be by his side and experience the loud silence with him, or to talk to him – heneedsme. And I’m not at all hesitant to admit that I need him. More than I’ve ever needed anything in my life so far. No exaggeration.
70.
The only sense of reality I have right now are the fast-falling drops of rain that are all but pelting onto my skin. They are relentless in their approach – biting into the cut on my face – yet somehow, they make me feel…I don’t know, grounded, I suppose. Because if it wasn’t for the rain, I’d be too far down in my head, and my thoughts would end up pulling me under eventually. But the cold wind is keeping me stable, and the goosebumps it’s igniting are reminding me that I’m still alive.
I don’t know how I’ll move forward without Jayce, and it’s because I haven’t had to do that for more than half my life. He’s just alwaysbeenthere, and even though I can’t sit on his loss for the rest of my days, I can sure as hell let myselffeelit. The hole he’s left in my goddamn chest will never fill up, but I guess that’s how it is when you lose a part of yourself. And that’s exactly what Jayce was: a part of me; the other side of the coin.
A reflection of myself.
I bow my head and close my eyes, and try not to shiver when a gust of chilly air swishes past me. I hear soft splashes of water behind me, seconds before I sense her presence. Her warm, steady breaths cut through the cold when she leans in and presses a kiss on the back of my neck, and my body all but folds in on itself at how good that one small gesture felt.
I turn, and there she is – soaking wet, and still, the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. My twisted fucking addiction; the woman who has all but consumed me inside out.
“Come inside, Dor; it’s fucking freezing out here,” she says, then pushes away the wet strands of her hair that are sticking to her face.
“In a bit,” I tell her, then clear my throat when my voice sounds scratchy to my ears.
Cignette frowns, then steps close to me. “Then I’ll stay here with you.”
I shake my head. “Go back inside, Cigs. You’ll catch a cold.”
“You can catch it to, you know? You’re not invincible.”
I know she said this as a logical response to my comment, but it makes me flinch regardless. It’s because she’s right; I’m not fucking invincible, and it literally took losing someone important in my life for me to realize that.
“I didn’t…” Her brows knit together as she frowns. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I swear.”
“I know.” I swallow and hold her by the waist. “Trust me, I get it.”
“I’m so sorry…” she whispers. Her lips part as she sucks in a breath, and then she starts to cry.
“Cigs.” I pull her to me, and just looking at the pain, and the utter sadness on her face, makes my own tears fall. Because I can echo what she’s going through – the turmoil, the guilt, and the emptiness.
“I’ve caused nothing but chaos,” she says while crying harder. “Loss and sorrow and…chaos.”
“No.” When she looks to the ground and continues to sob, I grab her chin and lift her face. “What happened today was not your fault. Maverick and Jayce’s deaths – they’re a result of Chase’s madness. Me and the crew knew there’d be fatalities the moment we stepped into his estate, and even though I’d hoped nothing would go wrong, it did. But that’s not on you, and I don’t, not for a second, blame you. And I’m sure Alex and Varsha don’t, either. You can’t carry the weight of something that wasn’t even in your hands to begin with. It’s not fair to you.”
She shakes her head as if she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. “You and the crew got involved into all of this because of me. If I hadn’t come to you after killing Riley, you wouldn’t have gone after my mom. She’d still be here, and Dad wouldn’t know about us, and Jayce and Mave would still be alive and–”
“Fucking shut up.”
The rain has slowed down a little, so I can now see her face with a bit more clarity when she blinks up at me in surprise.
“Putting an end to Miranda is something I’ll never regret, and if I could, I’d do it all over again,” I tell her honestly. “And Jayce – he died trying to protectmetoday. He took the blow that was meant forme. And Mave – he did exactly the same for you. You know why that is?” A fresh stream of tears blurs my vision. “It’s because they wanted us tolive. It’s because they knew that it was next toimpossiblefor all of us to make it out of that situation unscathed, so they willingly put themselves forward. It was stupid and reckless of them, but still, they did it for us. The least you and I can do, Cigs, is respect their decision by doing what they wanted us to do.”
“I don’t mean to be a burden to you, not when you’re grieving as well. I just…” She looks to the side. “I wish things had been different. I wish I could do something to fix this; to make it better somehow.”
“You can’t. And I can’t, either. They’re gone, and we’re here, and that’s the fucking truth.”
Her shoulders shake as she cries, and something in my gut twists.
“Baby…” I cup her jaw. “Look at me.”
