"I have to be."
"That's not what I asked."
I looked out the window. A pigeon was sitting on the ledge, pecking at something. "I'm okay with it," I said. "I've had three years to get okay with it. Whatever I felt for her, whatever I thought we had… I destroyed that. I don't get to have feelings about her anymore. That's the cost."
"The cost."
"Of what I did. You don't get to blow up someone's life and then feel sorry for yourself about losing them."
Dr. Schafer was quiet for a moment. "That sounds like a rule you made for yourself."
"It's just reality."
"Mm." She leaned back in her chair. "You know, there's a difference between accepting consequences and punishing yourself. Between moving on and pretending you have."
"I'm not pretending."
"Okay." She didn’t push.
"I'll be fine," I said again. "It's been three years. She's got her life and I've got mine. If we cross paths, we cross paths. I'm not going to spiral over it."
"I believe you believe that."
"But you don't believe it."
"I think you've done a lot of work, Matthew. I think you've changed in real ways. But I also think Elena is the one thingyou haven't let yourself look at directly. And I'm not sure what happens when you do."
I stood up and grabbed my jacket. "Guess we'll find out."
She watched me move toward the door. "Matt."
I turned.
"If it's harder than you expect," she said, "that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you're human."
"I know."
But walking out to my car, I told myself it wouldn't be hard. Three years was a long time, and whatever I'd felt, whatever was left… It was background noise now. I'd see her and feel nothing. Or close to nothing. A dull ache, maybe, something I could ignore.
I was good at ignoring things.
I'd be fine.
CHAPTER 19: ELENA
Ididn't usually bring Daisy to the diner, but it was Sunday and she'd been cooped up in the truck for two hours while Lucy and I dealt with Mrs. Patterson's mare. The foal had come early—two weeks early—and we'd spent the morning making sure both mother and baby were stable.
Now Daisy sat at my feet under the booth, her head resting on my shoe. She'd put on a few pounds since that first night, her gangly frame filling out, though she still had those oversized paws and that same trusting expression that had won me over in the first place.
Temporary, I'd said. Six weeks later, here we were.
Lucy was working her way through a burger, still in the scrubs she hadn't had time to change out of, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.
"That was intense," she said. "I've never seen a foal that small."
"She'll be okay. Mrs. Patterson knows what she's doing." I picked at my fries. "Thanks for coming in on your day off."
"Are you kidding? That was amazing. Way better than meal prepping." She grinned and stole one of my fries. "Plus you're buying me lunch, so I'm not complaining."
