She didn’t allow me to drone on but inched even closer and stood up on her tiptoes. “Thank you for giving me a respite. For allowing me to love life. Even if it’s for one sliver of a moment. This right here is spectacular. Being me. I can actually feel myself smiling.”
I gathered her close, hugging her tight. Billy was gorgeous and edgy, as she put it, in her own way. But also kind and endearing in equal measure.
I wanted to keep all of it for myself, but my very own brief stint was up as Billy slid from my arms and said, “Come on, I need a tree. Very soon, my car is going to turn into a pumpkin. And as for me…who knows.”
Sadly, it seemed like her window on enjoying life was closing.
Billy
“Oh Bill, it looks stunning!”
I watched Jamie step into her old row house, eyes wide, with Ford following close behind carrying baby Laurel in her bucket seat. “I’m glad. It’s baby’s first Christmas and all that…and I wanted it to be homey, not a professionally done tree and theme.”
I caught a small tear about to fall under Jamie’s glasses before she whisked around and composed herself, causing her to catch a glimpse of my brother.
“Ford, what are you doing?” Her voice rose slightly above a whisper.
My brother hesitated. “I’m taking Laurel out to see…the tree.”
“What are you, nuts? Put her down right in the seat, over in the corner. She’s sleeping. Never wake a sleeping baby, remember?”
“Just like this?” he asked with his eyebrows raised, setting the car seat down on the floor. My brother, looking more disheveled than I’d ever seen him, turned to look at his wife before facing the tree in the living space.
“Hallelujah” crooned in the corner from the wireless speaker as I watched the brand-new family in front of me share their first Christmas. My mood was as dark and gray as Ford’s charcoal cashmere sweater.
“She’ll see it at two in the morning when she’s screaming her head off,” my sister-in-law assured her husband, walking toward the tree, fingering a string of popcorn, sucking back more emotion.
At least I wasn’t the only one—except hers were tears of joy and I was feeling sorry for myself.
“This is amazing. Reminds me of our tree in your playroom. Remember?”
I nodded as the song switched to “Jingle Bells” performed by an orchestra. I had the same thought as I’d spent the last two days tackling the decorating on my own.
My mom had called with the name of someone who owed her a favor.They can come andtake care of all that for youwere her words. Frank begged me to hire someone, mostly so he didn’t have to sit at Jamie’s house all day, but I’d declined both offers.
I was a cat licking my wounds after we’d left the tree farm two days ago. Despite Frank not being happy about the outing or Cal escorting me around, I’d excitedly asked Cal to come back to my apartment for dinner…
“There’s nothing I’d like more,” he started out saying, and if my heart could soar, it did in that moment.
“But the last time it didn’t go as planned, and I hurt you. I don’t want that to happen again.”
I started to negotiate, which was something I wasn’t used to doing. “It was my fault. I acted like a child.”
“Today has been magical, sharing this time with you. Seeing you living your best life. But your time here has a shelf life and I hated leaving you the way I did last time.”
I nodded like I was mute, unable to find the words. The snow was starting to fall, the ominous black SUV idling and waiting for us to get in—once we did, the spell would be broken. As if it already hadn’t, my heart fissured. I wanted to beg, but I was a Hollywood actress, a two-time Academy Award winner, and a woman sought after by thousands of men.
All, except this one standing before me.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he’d said. “I feel protective of you, of us, whatever this is… Friendship? More? I don’t know, but tonight isn’t the night. Let’s end this outing happy and joyful.”
I’d felt the crack sliding down my heart, and it pained me more than anything had in decades. “Thanks for coming with me,” was what I said, schooling my expression and buttoning up my emotions. I was an actress, for God’s sake.
He motioned to the car, and when I slid in he ran around the other side. I thought it was the end of the conversation and “us” as he called me plus him.
Then he leaned over and placed his lips on my cheek. “It’s not never. Just not now,” he whispered in my ear.
I’d wanted to chuckle when we’d arrived back at the hotel/apartment after dropping off Cal, as Frank and a building guy hoisted the tree over their heads. It was hardly the way I’d seen the evening going. Not to mention this wasn’t my normal scenario. I was usually the avoider, not the avoidee…and Frank liked to hire people to do grunt work.
